Monday, June 6, 2016

Crystal Gardens Cover and Chapter 1: The Dark Wizard Lucas

Welcome back gentle reader! Every time I do a different book I want to try to read a different sub-genre of romance. Since I have now covered YA, contemporary, and am currently (albeit sporadically ) covering erotica, I thought I would do a historical romance. Which is why I went with Amanda Quick's Crystal Gardens (it was requested of me). Without further ado, let's begin.

Cover
 

Starting from left to right, we have a giant rose fading into a lake side gazebo. The strong colors are good, but the imagery is a little obvious and vague at the same time. We get it. This is a book that takes place in or at a garden. The picture does add some interest with the drop of blood coming off the rose like dew, but what is that supposed to symbolically mean? Lost innocence? A murder most foul? Is the building in the background not a gazebo but a mausoleum? The more I look at it the more interesting it gets, but if I saw this in a store, I probably would have just walked by without picking it up.

Chapter 1

The muffled thud of the shattered lock echoed like a thunderclap in the deep silence that drenched the cottage.”

Oooo, nice imagery and it sets a nice over the top tone for the book. Please, Ms Quick, do go on.

Evangeline Ames recognized the sound at once. She was no longer alone in the house.”
  1. What is with that name? All I'm thinking of is Princess and the Frog and a singing Cajun firefly.
  2. How did she instantly recognize the muffled thud of someone breaking into her house. Does this happen often? Why hasn't she moved if this is the case?
  3. Why is she alone? If this is the 1800's, she should be living with family, an employer, or servants. Very few women were doing it for themselves.
Evangeline goes still and considers the possibility that it's all in her head, but decides that it is unlikely because the place looks like it has nothing to offer in the way of cash or pawnable items.

Her nerves had been on edge all afternoon, her intuition flickering and flaring for no obvious reason.”

Does her intuition always flicker and flare? That seems like it would be uncomfortable.

The narrator continues to describe Evangeline's feeling of being watched

She had reminded herself that she was still recovering from the terrifying attack two weeks ago.”

I really hope she wasn't raped. For the obvious reasons of course, but also because that seems to be one of the only ways writers know how to hurt a woman or build sympathy for a character.

She had very nearly been murdered.”

Well. Um...at least she wasn't murdered?

We find out that besides the almost murdered bit, she is a writer under a deadline and the scene she is trying to work out is not happening. I feel you, sister girl. I feel you.

Her psychical intuition had been trying to send her a warning for hours.”

Her psychical intuition...So this is a history fantasy romance? Want to add a little science fiction in there for shits and giggles?

The intruder approaches her bedroom and the attempt on her life made her, reasonably, paranoid about needing a sudden exit. Evangeline climbs through the window and makes a break for the titular Crystal Gardens, an old country house next to her little rented cottage.

'Where do you think you're going, you bloody stupid woman?' the harsh male voice roared from the doorway. It was freighted with the accents of London's tough streets.”

So we know we are not in London. Okay, she could be literally anywhere else, but my gut says somewhere in England. I've read some Amanda Quick before and I don't think she ever has the main setting not in the UK.

'No one slips away from Sharpy Hobson's blade.'”


Are you for real? Sharpy Hobson? Was Pointy McStab-Stab taken?

There was no time to wonder how a London street criminal had found his way to Little Dixby or why he was after her.”
  1. I'm pretty sure that he took a train or something. I guess he could have walked, but the way the narrator is talking makes me think there is enough distance between London and Little Dixby to have an accent difference.
  2. Little Dixby? That sounds like Made-Ups-Ville to me.
Evangeline makes a break for it through her own garden to get to Crystal Gardens.

Many of the fronds were taller than she was.”

Then either she is of a height with Frodo or this is Rappaccini's garden.

We find out that she came to this middle of nowhere country side town to get a little R&R after the attempt on her life. Pointy McStab-Stab yells curses and threats for making him put effort into this murder. She runs, he chases.

'Ye'll soon get a taste of Sharpy's blade.'”


More running. More chasing. Very exciting business.

Her sense of curiosity was linked in some ways to her psychical talent and the mystery of Crystal Gardens had fascinated her from the start.”

So she is only ever interested in things that her psychic intuition says is important? That feels like an excuse to not like something. Could you imagine a kid trying to pull that? No, mom, I can't eat broccoli. I'm not interested in it therefore my psychic intuition says that it is not good for me.

She had seen enough of the strange gardens by day to know that there was something bizarre about the energy inside the walls and that the vegetation was not normal.”

Well, duh, it's all poisonous. Haven't you read Nathaniel Hawthorne?

In the very center of the gardens, where the ruins of an ancient Roman bath were said to be located...”

Oh, so the gazebo was actually ancient Roman ruins. Considering that the Roman Empire fell around 476 C.E. And that this is probably taking place in or around the 1800's, those Roman ruins look like they are in amazing condition. If this were real, there would be a bevy of important historical stuffs in there.

We get a description of the two sections of Crystal Gardens There is an inner garden called the Night Garden surrounded by an outer garden called the Day Garden. My assumption is that the day = good and night = evil. Naturally, she goes towards the Night Garden.

She hurried but she did not run. She wanted Hobson to see her.”

She's going to let the garden murder Pointy McStab-Stab, isn't she?

Her senses told her that if he tumbled into the gleaming black pool he would quickly lose interest in her. There was something nightmarish about those waters.”
  1. The cover art did not make it look nightmarish at all.
  2. She is so going to use the garden to murder this guy. I would feel bad about her feeding him to Audrey 2 if he wasn't trying to kill her.
She was so focused on her plan to lure Hobson to the pond that she was unaware of the presence of the man in the long black coat until he walked out of the shadows and into the moonlight.”

Two bits says that he's the Obvious Love Interest.

She recognized him immediately. Indeed, she thought, she would know him anywhere. Lucas Sebastian, the mysterious new owner of Crystal Gardens.”

Yep, totally the OLI. I win!

They have met once before. She quickly and very politely understates that she has a problem. And Lucas calmly says

'I can see that'”

and he, a paragraph later, is

regard[ing] him (Pointy McStab-Stab) with what could only be described as detached curiosity.”

Because “real men” never get flustered even when a crazy hobo is brandishing a knife.

Lucas says that Crystal Gardens is haunted. Pointy says he doesn't care. He just wants to shank and run. Lucas asks why.

Evangeline was floored by Lucas's matter-of-fact tone. I was as if he was only casually interested in Hobson's reasoning.”

Be still my heart. A man who coming to the rescue of a lady out of mild curiosity. Someone catch me while I swoon!

Actually, it isn't out of mild curiosity. He is saving her because she rents from him and is therefore under his protection. I don't quite follow the logic. I have rented many an apartment and none of my landlords would stand in the way if Pointy McStab-Stab came a-knocking. But maybe this is an olde timey thing.

We find out that Pointy was hired but he won't say by who. Pointy tries to stick Lucas with the pointy end but alas, Lucas is a dark mage and repels him with an evil aura. I know it's hard to tell because I've been very sarcastic (well, all my life) but I'm not making this shit up.

Energy, dark and terrifying, flashed in the atmosphere. Evangeline had just time(sic) enough time to realize that Lucas was somehow generating it and then Hobson was shrieking with raw, mindless panic.”

So, yeah. This is a solid fantasy story. Who would have thunk it.

Hobson runs into the garden. Lucas sends a minion after him. A human one, not a demon but I'm not ruling that out as a possibility yet. And the human minion (Stone) is given an ominous warning to not follow Pointy if he gets into the maze.

A high-pitched, keening scream echoed from somewhere deep in the gardens. The unearthly cry iced Evangeline's nerves.”

Okay, maybe this Stone fellow is a demon.

'Evidently Stone did not get to him in time to prevent him from entering the maze'”

Or rather, the demons are kept in the maze.

Evangeline is broke up over hearing a man's death cry but Lucas is nonchalant calling it unfortunate because he would have liked to question the man. I know it will be hard with Mr. Charming, but try to keep your pants on peeps.

Lucas orders Evangeline into his house where he will get her a glass of brandy and they can figure out what is going on. Instead of being annoyed at his presumption, she gets all tingly when he gives her his jacket and

...his fingers brushed the nape of her neck...”

I guess nothing gets this gal off like watching a dude magically attack another dude who then runs into the night screaming to his death. Romantic.

He touches her and she sees his aura.

The fierce bands of ice-and-fire energy took her breath.”

Is he the avatar?


Lucas assures Evangeline that he means her no harm and Evangeline believes him because his aura says so.

So, that was chapter 1. Not bad, very dramatic, and a little silly, but I must admit that I forgive the silly a bit more with historical dramas because it feels a little more removed from reality than contemporary books. This is not to say I will be using kid gloves. Not at all. Just embracing the dark mage for the avatar that he is.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Wallbanger Chapter 22: The Much Too Long Kiss Goodbye

Last time in Wallbanger...in chapter 20 Caroline was over dramatic and came home to San Francisco to angrily bake, in chapter 21 Simon comes home early, they say the “I love you's” and go at it like it's Witchcraft VIII.

Chapter 22

It's the last chapter gentle reader! I may need a hankie.

4:37 p.m., that same day”

I'm not sure why we need a time stamp but at least it makes more sense than when Frank Miller does it.

Simon and Caroline are in the shower, and now they are having getting clean sex since all of last chapter was getting dirty sex. It's not bad, but I'm wondering why it's here. This is the last chapter, is it just going to be 20 pages of porn?



6:41 p.m.”

...Okay, getting a little more “Miller” Clayton.

Caroline continues to use “hoohah” and “Hi-There” instead of actual words and I am reminded of a joke that Patton Oswalt made in one of his specials. The gist is that “clean” filth is way more creepy and gross than just being vulgar. After so many Caroline euphemisms I got to agree.

Simon and Caroline talk about his penis as if it were it's own person. They have more sex and the phrase “sexual Lego” is used, and no I think it reads better without context.


8:17 p.m.”

How has this only been 4 pages? This is the longest 4 pages of the book.

They have more sex, but this time try to have a full conversation while going at it just to see if they can. They talk about baking because that seems the best way to get Simon off, and interior design for Caroline. Are they going to bone over taxes next?

9:32 p.m.”

Now every time I see the time stamp I think of the Law & Order *dun dun* sound and read the passage with a crime drama-esque voice. It's the little things that keep this interesting.

They are bathing again and Caroline is trying to get a rise out of Simon.

Simon: I'm not seventeen, you know.

Caroline: Thank goodness, or I would have to answer for my actions – corrupting a minor and all that.

If by “corruption” you mean statutory rape, then yes. You would indeed have to answer for that.

They have more sex. Are you surprised?


11:09 p.m.”

I'm going to guess more sex happens, but don't quote me on that.

'I'm just going to get the food. I need sustenance, woman.'”

No shit, you guys have been going at it all day. I'm surprised that Simon isn't shooting blood at this point. And what about Caroline? She hasn't slept since Spain for all we know? How is she not delirious at this point?

Simon tries to crawl to the door (because he can't walk for all the sex) to get the Thai food they ordered and Caroline tries to distract him by masturbating. It works and the Thai delivery boy gets a $30 tip for not opening the door and walking away. Delivery boy gets the better deal.


1:14 a.m.”

Time is meaningless now. I can see the end, but it never comes. First, I must slog through pages and pages of orgasms and innuendos. But, wait! Is that non-sexual dialogue I spy? It is! And it's about how their relationship will work around their jobs. I want to savor this but it's really short and all they say is that they are comfortable with Simon traveling all the time.


All dialogue about how happy they are that Simon came home early.


Text between Simon and Caroline the following Tuesday”

I was a fool for thinking I was through with this stuff.

Plans for a group dinner are discussed and sex jokes are a plenty.

Text between Mimi and Caroline on Thursday”

They talk about Caroline's hesitation to have sex in the bed that Simon banged so many others in.

Then we get some regular narration, wherein Simon is becoming a crazy cat lady.


I would never need the Honey and the Baby.”

Does she mean she will never need him to call her by pet names or nicknames? Or is she saying that she will never need him to pick up honey and they will never need to make a baby? Cause on the one hand, I'm not sure what Clayton has against nicknames and on the other hand I understand if she never needs honey or babies.

We then find out that the entire plot and premise was orchestrated by Caroline's boss and Simon's friend. They are like the gods of old, playing with the lives of mere mortals out of boredom and self-importance.


The pair are doing dishes but are interrupted by lust. Simon picks Caroline up and carries her to her bed where they find no sheets. It's laundry day and Caroline forgot to put the sheets in the dryer.

'Problem solved. Slumber party at Simon's.'”

That's why we needed that text between Caroline and Mimi, to establish a conflict.

He ruffled through piles of lace and peekaboo.”

Should I just accept that Caroline will always talk like a kindergartner about sexy things? Also, why is it in fiction that women only own cute and sexy under garments? Does no one own an 8 pack of cotton underroos from Walmart?


Caroline is fixing herself up in Simon's bathroom and wondering how many other women have done this very thing. But then he plays Glenn Miller at her and she swoons, she sighs, and she bangs. Wallbangs in fact.

Post-coitus Simon goes over to Caroline's apartment to retrieve Clive (his new best friend) then we get what sounds like the ending but there is 2 more pages left so I don't know.

And then, as the laughter faded and sleep took hold, I pondered what the future might hold for me and my Wallbanger.

I knew it wouldn't always be this easy. But it sure as hell would be a good time.”

Then we get a pagebreak but this one is shaped like a cat stretching. I'm a little scared you guys.

All was quiet as I set out on patrol, making sure the perimeter was secure.

This is all in italics for some reason. The next page and a half are all in italics for some reason.

I padded through my new territory, taking notice of any loose Q-Tips.”

What did I do to deserve this? Why do we have an impromptu POV shift in the last moments of a romance novel to the cat? I can't explain with words why this is so insane. The cat lays down to dream about Nadia. The cat is having an inter-species erotic dream, after we spent the last 20 pages reading about non-stop sex. How can I top that nonsense?


Overall, I have to say that that because of all the really good character moments in the later half of the book, especially in chapters 20 and 21, that my opinion has greatly improved. At first, I thought the book was trying too hard to be Sex and the City. Then in the middle, I was bored and annoyed. But once the main characters started acting like real people, the story became fun. This didn't have as much wasted potential as Boy Window, but the overall quality was much higher to begin with. I'm going to give it a 3 out of 6, since I didn't start actually liking it until about half-way through and because I still can't bring myself to forgive it for an unlikable main character and bad jokes.

Next time, I will be time traveling back to when men wore waistcoats and cravats and women wore stays. It's Amanda Quick's Crystal Gardens.