Grey Chapter 5: Stalking For Her Safety

Last time in Grey...Christian decides to give Ana Tomas Hardy books in order to send mixed signals.

Friday, May 20, 2011

“I've slept for the first time in five days.”

I doubt that he hasn't slept in five days. Maybe not all the way through the night, but he had to have slept a little. He would literally die otherwise. Although it would explain his erratic behavior.

He yells at himself a bit in the mirror.

“Liar.

Fuck.”

I can't say I disagree.

His brother calls him and he acts like this is the worst thing to happen during his breakfast ever.

“What the hell does my big brother want?”

To say hi, how are you? It's what family does asshole.

“'Dude. I need to get out of Seattle this weekend. This chick is all over my junk and I've got to get away.”

Did James decide to model his brother's dialogue after Baywatch? Cause I've never met someone out of high school who talks like that.

“'Your junk?'”

Every time I walk away from this book I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me. Like I'll tell myself “Nah, this twenty-something does really talk like that” or “Christian doesn't really talk like a vampire” and then I read lines like that and I remember that he totally does. And this isn't the only time. Elliot (the brother) will use super common slang like “chopper” and Christian acts all prim like he has never heard a helicopter be called anything else.

Christian schemes to go hiking with his brother. It's not explicitly stated, but you can kind of tell he wants to stalk Ana personally. His personal chef asks if he wants her to prepare food for him this weekend and he says to make something but he might not be back. I bring this up because the next line is

“She didn't give you a second glance, Grey.”

I assume he is talking about Ana, but she hasn't been mentioned since before Elliot called. The only female in his presence is the cook and originally that is who I thought he was talking about. But that doesn't make sense either because Christian spends half the time bitching that everyone wants his junk. So which “she” is it? When you use pronouns they refer to the most recently named person whose gender the pronoun matches, that's how English works James. So if I were to use the pronoun “she” in this sentence, for instance, “She should know better, English is her primary and possibly only language” everyone knows I am referring to James because she was the last “she” I mentioned.

The chapter cuts to Christian and Elliot driving to Portland.

“Elliot sleeps most of the way to Portland. Poor fucker must be fried. Working and fucking: that's Elliot's raison d'etre.”

1. At least there is the implication that Elliot works. Other than Christian's questionable dealings with Sudan, all he does is obsess over having sex with a woman he hardly knows. Let me remind you that within a minute of meeting Ana he was fantasizing about caning her, but Elliot is problematic?
2. There are 321 occurrences of fuck in this book. This is number 22 in five chapters. Christian is supposed to be this cultured sophisticated guy who doesn't understand slang and uses phrases like “raison d'etre” yet he can't be bothered to curse more creatively than “fuck”

Christian makes a few calls. One is to order up some mountain bikes. Yes, this half a page of dialogue was necessary. How else were we supposed to know that his brother is 6'2? The other call is to his driver Taylor, but what confuses me is that Christian is already driving to Portland, so why is he calling his driver? He has a car, he's in it, so why is he making his driver go from Seattle to Portland with a new car? It can't be the car that he gives Ana, that doesn't happen until after their second non-date. So is he just wildly inconveniencing an employee so he'll have car options? And let me remind you that this is set in 2011 where gas prices were between $3.50 and $4.00, we were still solidly in the recession after the housing market crash of 2008, and Christian is supposed to be all noble at heart. So instead of just telling me, James, that Christian is rich but trying to feed the world so no kid ever has to go hungry like he did, you could show me that by having him live relatively frugally, and spending that “bringing a second car to Portland for no reason money” on a food bank or soup kitchen. But wait I forgot.

“I end the call and turn up the music. Let's see if Elliot can sleep through The Verve.”

Because no one can sleep through the jamming tunes of mid-90's alt rock?

Christian considers following up with secretary #1 about the books he had delivered to Ana but decides not to because

“...I know I've left her with a ton of work. Besides, I don't want to give my staff an excuse to gossip.”

I don't doubt that gossiping happens in his building, and I also don't doubt that they are talking about him, but I do doubt that they care about someone he sent books too. My guess is that they sit around the water cooler wondering how many bodies he hides in his closet.

He talks to himself and eventually Elliot wakes up.

Christian: We're going mountain biking.

Elliot: We are?

He didn't ask his brother if this is something he wanted to do? Don't get me wrong, this is completely in line with his character, he does whatever the hell he wants first and asks questions never, but what happens when people say no? If I recall this becomes a thing because Ana is the only one to ever tell him no and he gets off on her telling him no (red flag!) but I can't believe that no one has ever turned him down for something before.

He has inner monologue about his father

“My father is a polymath...”

Again, you use words like polymath and yet fuck is the most commonly used word in this book.

“...a real renaissance man: academic, sporting, at ease in the city, more at ease in the great outdoors. He's embraced three adopted kids...and I'm the one who didn't live up to his expectations.”

This is really odd because if you go by the logic of the book Christian is the shit. He is a billionaire playboy philanthropist trying to save the starving children of the world while having the most enviable face and figure. Yet, I am to believe that he is a disappointment? If the book would admit that Christian is a terrible human being then I would get it, but that's not the case. It's not because he is an asshole that he is a disappointment, it's because

“Puberty ruined all that for me.”

The worst part is that, if you squint and look sideways you can almost see a valid argument here. He was raped as a teen and if he associated his traumatic encounter with the onset of sexual desire I could buy it. However, he doesn't see it as rape. In short, I have no idea what is meant by that line and where this is going.

The pair talk about all the sex Elliot is having, and wouldn't you know it? I don't care. After an attempt at character development for Elliot, we get a pagebreak.

When we return, the boys are riding bikes. Elliot makes a comment about a girl sounding desperate and I wonder if it's possible for James to write a likable character. Another pagebreak and the boys are watching baseball

“Go Mariners! Elliot and I clink beer bottles.”

Not sure which is weirder: Christian showing any enthusiasm/emotion or James getting information on the game right.

Ana drunk dials him, I would nitpick word choices, why he is angry, why he assumes that she can't take care of herself, but in all this commentary thus far I've only covered 3 pages of the chapter so just know that Christian's first worry upon hearing drunk Ana is if she is with another man. Priorities!

Ana hangs up on Christian which lights a fire under his butt enough to call his private stalker and use illegal software to hunt her down. Again, he doesn't know that she is in any danger. All he knows is that a college student he only met recently is drunk, the fact that he saves her from her friend trying to force himself on her does not excuse the fact that he made a metric ton of assumptions.

The guys show up at the bar, Christian is annoyed with Kate because she is not a paranoid dick like he is. Christian find Ana outside, saves her from Jose because if anyone is going to abuse, disrespect, and disregard her feelings for his own needs – it's going to be Christian.

Ana vomits on the sidewalk, Christian holds her hair. When she is done she says she is sorry and his first thought is

“Okay, let's have some fun.”

Yeah, I mean, she was only sexually assaulted by a close friend who she thinks of as family and then vomited all over the sidewalk. What harm would there be in you fucking with her emotions while you are at it?

“Why is it such fun to tease this young woman?”

Because you have no soul?

Christian thinks Kate is a shit friend for trusting Ana and Jose to be together and assuming that Jose wouldn't attack her, and I think he's a shit person for existing.

Christian starts to have a panic attack out of nowhere. The only thing preceding it is Ana unexpectedly clutching his arm then

“I freeze.

Shit.

My heart rate catapults into overdrive as the darkness surfaces, stretching and tightening its claws around my throat.”

She touches him and he has a panic attack. That is not an “I'm in love” reaction, that is a PTSD reaction. James does say he has PTSD and he doesn't like being touched but it is related to his mother, who use to put out her cigarettes on him. Which means that for Ana's touch to trigger his panic attack, either A) he associates Ana with his mother in some weird Oedipus complex, or B) all people who touch him at all times gives him panic attacks. I'm leaning toward A because he specifically chooses submissives who look like/remind him of his mother.

Even he doesn't understand why he reacts the way he does.

“She's oil on my troubled, deep, dark waters.”

Calm down, Batman. If she soothes your savage soul then why did you have a panic attack?

“Hmm...flowery, Grey.”

If by flowery you mean trite, then yes I agree.

He decides the only way to get her to Kate on the dance floor is by dancing their way there. Yeah, when I read this scene in Fifty Shades, the dancing felt out of nowhere and I feel like this was added to sort of retroactively justify it, but it doesn't work. Sorry, James.

We get his rundown of taking her to his hotel room, getting her half naked but not wanting to step

“beyond the bounds of propriety.”

Because having her SSN, banking information, malware on her phone*, and eventually stealing and selling her car is well within the social confines.

He gets her puke covered clothes off while she is passed out and of course his first thought is of having sex with her. Not creepy at all. He then has his private stalker look into Jose, his driver to buy Ana clothes, and laments how he needs to get laid.

*I have consulted some tech peeps and the consensus is that in order to track Ana the way he did he would have had to hack her cell phone and put spyware on it.

Grey Chapter 4: Immortan Christian

Last time in Grey...Christian and Ana had their first non-date in which he was a douche bag customer who thought everything was about his dick.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

“No!”

So you do know the word, you just choose to ignore it.

“My scream bounces off the bedroom walls and wakes me from my nightmare.”

Was it the one where your steak is under seasoned and the waiter is taking to long to replace it? Cause that seems like something you would bitch about.

Nah, he had a PTSD nightmare about his mother. In an attempt to calm himself he thinks about what he needs to get done and he is pissed because he has to play golf.

“I should cancel the golf; the thought of playing and losing darkens my already bleak mood.”

That's right, because he is exactly the kind of person who would throw a bitch fit and not play when he thinks he is going to lose. Nothing petulant about that at all.

He hates on himself for not kissing Ana when she obviously wanted to be.

“If my shrink was back from his vacation in England I could call him. His psychobabble shit would stop me feeling this lousy.”

1. James, that's not how that works. Therapy isn't just a psychologist talking at you and making you feel better.
2. Again, if Christian thinks so lowly of the mental health field then why the hell is he seeing a therapist?

There is a pagebreak and then the chapter resumes with Christian listening to a radio program about the auction of Jane Austen's unfinished manuscript for The Watsons, which is an actual thing that happened by the way. This reminds Christian that Ana likes books and he decided to give her his first edition of Tess of the d'Urbervilles.

“Hardy had a dark, twisted soul.

Like me.”

Thomas Hardy's books were not bleak because he had a dark twisted soul, they were bleak because he was trying to prove a fucking point. Hardy hated the social restrictions that Victorian society placed on people and showcased how those restrictions ruined people's lives. And the fact that he even points out that Tess is not the most romantic of novels fucking blows my mind. Just chapters ago, he was talking about how Angel was an impossible romantic standard, but now he admits that it's BS. Make up your mind.

Anyway... Christian remembers Ana's comment about him being the

“ultimate consumer”

and he thinks

“Yes. I like to posses things...”

Who does this remind me of?

Wait, it will come to me

It's on the tip of my tongue

Nope, can't remember. Oh well.

There is a page break and when the chapter resumes and we find out that Christian is a big fan of reading.

“Fiction was my sanctuary when I was a teenager.”

I'm sure it was, and I'm sure all you read was Nietzsche and Dostoevsky you pretentious prick.

“I nod and head into Grey House, the books tucked under my arm. The young receptionist greets me with a flirtatious wave.

Every day...Like a cheesy tune on repeat.”

Story time! I am female and I work with a lot of guys, like you do, and this has happened more than once. A girl will ask a question or ask for help and is nice and polite and all that good stuff. Then she leaves and the male coworker will inevitably turn to me and say something to the effect of “she was totally into me.” Now, I don't doubt that flirtation is a thing that has happened, but as someone who has seen the situation from all sides and been in the shoes of every person involved, I can pretty safely say “no, she is not into you. She was probably just being nice or friendly.” But, alas, no coworker ever believes me. Just like how I'm sure that Christian wouldn't believe me because everyone wants his dick all the time. There is no such thing as nice, polite, non-heterosexual women when his penis is near. Nope. None at all.

Anyway...

Christian exchanges pleasantries with a security guard which I guess is meant to humanize him, but I have a hard time believing that Christian would even notice someone like a security guard. He tells one secretary that he wants espresso and is glad that another is absent because, you guessed it, she wants him.

Secretary: Would you like milk, sir?

Christian (in his mind): Good girl.

You condescending ponce. Oh, but Hex he meant that in a Domly sort of way. Fuck that noise. This is not play time. This is not sexy times. This is him patronizing a female underling because she said something that pleased him. I don't care that he didn't say it out loud. He wouldn't have thought it about a male employee. It wouldn't have even occurred to him, and the fact that he thinks she should be so proud that she can please him makes me want to choke him.

Anyway...

He asks the guy who did the background check to see when Ana's finals are while he looks for a suitable quote to send with the book. After another pagebreak (she is getting as bad as Alice Clayton at this point) we resume with him talking about his smuggling business. He is pissed because the State Department might prevent him from working with Sudan. Go figure.

“I roll my eyes. Fucking red tape.”

It's not just red tape when there is an embargo in place. Red tape is more like the shit you have to go through to get women's health care in America.

“'If we have to grease some palms – or get Senator Blandino to intervene – let me know.”

Is this some alternate universe were Dean Blandino, the vice president of officiating for the NFL, is a senator for some random state? And if that is the case, is James suggesting that NFL refs can be bought? I don't know if you want to open that can of worms James.

Christian gets pissed because his secretary interrupts his meeting to say that his personal stalker has the info. He finds out that Ana's exams end the next day. We get another pagebreak and Christian gets his lunch.

“Tuna salad. Okay. She hasn't fucked this up for once.”

Just shut up Christian. He is referring the secretary that is always staring at him longingly and I hate to be mean, but if she is constantly fucking up his order than he should just fire her. He doesn't like the way she preforms her job and he doesn't like that she is apparently in love with him. There is no reason for him to keep her employed. Let the woman go.

“I've chosen a quote. A warning.”

The quote he has chosen is one that follows Tess being raped. If this is to be a warning, am I to understand that Christian is saying that he will rape her? Spoiler! He does. No one treats it like it's rape, but that's what it is. Furthermore, if he is so sure that

“I made the correct choice, walking away from her.”

Then why the bloody hell is he sending her a present? You know what would keep the woman away and at a safe distance like you supposedly want? Leaving her alone. Otherwise, all you are saying is "Here, allow me to show you a mixed signal."

Instead, he has secretary number 1 (the one that doesn't love him) mail the books to Ana and asks her to find a replacement set for himself. First editions of course. And that's it for chapter four. Not going to lie, this book gets harder and harder to read. I don't know if I'll ever be able to finish it, but for you gentle reader, I shall try.

Grey Chapter 3: Lots of Questions

Last time in Grey...Christian gets a background check on Ana that includes her banking info and social. He also goes to her work where he was trying to be awkward but it came off as super creepy.

Chapter 3: Sunday, May 15, 2011

The chapter opens with Christian running and listening to Moby. Does he work out every chapter? Is the reason he can't commit in a relationship because he is already married to the gym? Either way, he is running and thinking about Ana because his life is consumed by the woman he has known for a week, and Moby's music will not sway his thoughts.

“As my feet pound the walkway, sunshine breaks through the clouds and it gives me hope.”

We get a pagebreak, it is two hours later and we get more of what I think is meant to be “charming” and “awkward” but is really confusing and inconsistent.

“Maybe I should take her for coffee.

Like a date?

Well. No. Not a date. I laugh at the ridiculous thought. Just a chat – an interview of sorts.”

In the last chapter, he was thinking about asking her to dinner, he even used the word “date”, and now it is laughable? Is calling it an interview a means to ret-con why their coffee date from the first book was so sterile? And who is he talking to? Does he have an inner god/dess and subconscious too? He has these conversations with himself sometimes but there is never “the thought came to me” or “I thought to myself.” It always just happens. It's all so strange.

After a pagebreak, it's time for the photo shoot and Christian is about to head to the location.

“My hair is wet from my shower, but I don't give a shit. One glance at the louche fucker in the mirror and I exit to follow Taylor to the elevator.”

For those who don't know, “louche” refers to that charmingly disheveled disreputable look. Think Robert Downey Jr. And while I have no problem with anyone owning their hotness, is it just me or does this sound angry/aggressive? Like “I'm an asshole, but a sexy asshole.”

“Are jeans and chucks her signature look?”

Who thinks like this who does not work in fashion media? In the other books, he was always well turned out and he bought her clothes, but he is down right obsessed with fashion so far. Does he go to NYC fashion week every year?

He says hello to Ana who introduces him to Kate. He thinks about how he has Kate to thank for his meeting Ana.

“That thought makes me feel a little more benevolent toward her.”

They talk and Christian talks like an out of touch vampire. It would be one thing if used the same refined language all the time, but he doesn't. He either talks like an asshole or he talks like an Edwardian ponce.

Jose is introduced and, again, Christian's first thought is

“Shit. Is this the boyfriend?”

Your extensive research that was able to turn up her SSN, did not turn up a boyfriend, so why do you think that every male in her proximity is her partner? I know he was this crazy and possessive in the other books, so I should be happy that this is consistent, but we don't get why he is. We get that he is and that he is damaged, but so far this has done nothing to add to the story that we didn't already know. Isn't that the whole point of this book? To develop Christian's character?

Jose tries to stake a claim because Ana's opinion doesn't matter to either of them.

“Well, game on, kid.”

I jokingly call people of all ages kids, but that is just a joke. This is not a joke and Christian is only like 5 years older than Jose, so what the hell?

“Another young man who appears to be working with Rodriguez switches on the lights, and momentarily I'm blinded.

Hell!”

Seriously, that “Hell!” has no more context. I really think that either EL James forgot that Christian isn't a vampire, or that Christian thinks he is. It would explain a lot.

He notices Ana shrinking away from the action and all he can think about is how this means she

“...a natural submissive.”

While that may be, she still may not (is not) into a D/s relationship. Doesn't mean he will respect her disinterest, but I'm just saying that people can have a type A personality and not want to cane someone. And switches (people comfortable in either dom or sub roles) are a thing too you know.

Christian has a creepy moment when he thinks she is too innocent and pure for him. It is supposed to make him seem like he cares, and make the audience swoon because of it but if he did care and actually thought he was bad for her, he would leave her alone. Just saying.

Instead, he asks her to coffee and she says she has to take everyone home but he gets his driver to take them. Christian, if she wanted to have coffee with you, she would have rescheduled. This is how this works in reality. If I didn't know that she wanted to go with him, I would have thought that she was trying to politely brush him off.

The driver (Taylor) doesn't take them, Ana switches cars with Kate and Christian is happy cause he has a date and it is not as cute as it sounds.

Ana is gone for more than a minute so naturally Christian thinks she is making out with Jose. He also irrationally thinks she is doing this to

“...keep me sweet for the article.”

You mean that article that is already written? That article that you really can't stop from being published at this point? When I'm having panic attacks I'm not very logical, that whole panic business will do that to you, but even I would realize that.

They get in the elevator

“As we travel to the first floor the atmosphere is thick with unfulfilled desire.”

Because Ana is really bland and non-responsive, the “unfulfilled desire” feels very one sided. Even knowing that she is totally jonesing for him, I still can't tell that they have any sexual tension or chemistry.

SIDE NOTE: It's about here that I got tired of Christian's general douchie nature, and took a Tom Hiddleston reading sonnets break. I highly recommend it.

And back to the nonsense...  He is all surprised at how innocent everyone is, and apparently he doesn't hang out with a lot of tea drinkers because he mentions that Ana is the first.

“I have to wait in line while the two matronly women behind the counter exchange inane pleasantries with all their customers.”

Definitely one of those customers. In a weird way, this book has shown me a new side to Christian. The “I would hate it if he were ever in my line” side. And just so you know, being this person, the asshole who doesn't realize that your cashier is only doing what is required of them and is not paid enough to care that you are in a hurry, will get you shit service fast. Why? Because we all know that dicks like this won't tip but will make your day hell for smiling at them.

The older woman behind the counter does in fact smile at him and he thinks.

“It's just a pretty face, sweetheart.”

He sounds like the type of dude/bro who thinks that everyone wants his dick when they are just trying to provide good customer service. Remember a few sentences ago when you said that these ladies smiled at everyone? Now that it is directed at you it's because you're hot? I'm using my question mark key way too much in this let's read already.

He is an even more hurried asshat while the cashier is just doing her job, he then gets the items and leaves. He gets back to Ana's side. They make small talk about then this happens.

“As she tells me she likes her tea weak and black, for a moment I think she's describing what she likes in a man.”

1. What the fuck? Where did that come from? You are talking about her tea, but naturally you assume she segues to men for no reason?
2. Who likes weak anything? Especially, when it comes to partners.
3. And what if she likes her men like she likes her tea, black and hot. What of it? Hairspray taught me well

In-apropos of nothing they are discussing, Christian asks if Jose is Ana's boyfriend.

“She laughs. At me.

At me!”

Dear Duri below, why does he think that everything is personal? This woman is nice to me, she must want my junk. This woman laughed because I unknowingly said something funny, I'm going to be a condescending dick and think she is naive. Cause he does do exactly that. This happens a lot in media where a character is unaware of a third parties interest and is thought to be naive, and that makes me sad. This person is being somewhat insulted because they believe that the third party values them as a friend and is not simply trying to get in their pants.

There is erotic muffin daydreams and erotic muffin eating. None of it is actually erotic. She says she finds him intimidating which should be a big red flag for her yet isn't, at least not in the way that will help. He agrees. They chat and he is all “she is so self contained” but neither of them have enough personality or depth to pull off being mysterious. On a scale from James Bond to Garnet, they are Scoorge McDuck

He purposefully manipulates the conversation by saying shit

“That will goad her into a response.”

Like you do when you are on a date. There is more chatting and then some self-pity because he doesn't even know if Christian is his real name. Correct me if I am wrong gentle reader, but if I recall correctly, he was 3 when his mom died and I think 5 when he was adopted by the Grey's. He would know his name. There is possibly a whole explanation in book two or three about how this would make sense that I possible skipped or fall asleep during. If not, then this makes no sense. I exist near small children and they know their names by 3.

Christian takes her evasive answers as a power play instead of “I don't want to talk to you, so I will give stilted responses.” Again, we know she is into him, but if I only had his POV to go by, then I would think that she is bored and disinterested.

“'I can recollect some quite probing questions.'

Yes. You asked me if I was gay.”

1. I would like to point out that both of these are coming from Christian.
2. I guess asking if someone is gay is a probing question. It was an interview, and had nothing to do with anything else, and went no further, but okay. It was almost as if that one question was designed to cause awkward tension and to ensure no slash fic ever be written about Christian. Honestly, I personally don't think it is that big a deal. Would I ever ask someone if they were gay? No, because it is none of my business and it's not like I ask people if they are bi or pan or demi or ace or straight. If someone wants to tell me that, wonderful, I'm glad that they feel comfortable sharing that with me, but I wouldn't consider that probing because sexual appetite doesn't actually say very much about a person.
3. What would be probing would be asking Christian about his illicit dealings with Sudan and how it feels to be the world's douchiest smuggler.

Christian whines in his head about Ana possibly being a hopeless romantic because her mother is a serial bride. Which he, of course, being an Alpha male has no interest in, yet he wistfully thinks about taking her to Paris and Cabo. It's not inconsistent, it's “character development” because she is “changing him”

She talks about liking Brit lit. He thinks

“That means I'm competing with Darcy, Rochester, and Angel Clare: impossible romantic heroes.”

Darcy? Sure. Rochester? Maybe. Angel Clare? Did he read Tess of the d'Urbervilles? Was Angel an “impossible romantic hero” when he cast Tess aside when she confessed she was raped? Was it when he tried to take on her former friend/coworker as a mistress but decided against it only because Tess loved him more? What about when he abandoned her for Brazil, an absence that Tess felt so deeply that she became the mistress of her rapist to support her family and eventually murdered said rapist? It's like when people try to tell me that Wuthering Heights was a romance story. All I see is bitterness and resentment corrupting affection.

Christian thinks about how he hates women in pants because they are not as easily accessible. Because all women are there for him to potentially fuck? All I can think is she is not wearing them for him so he can fuck off. Her third strike is asking if he has a girlfriend. You see, Christian can ask if every Tom, Dick, and Harry are her boyfriends, but she can't ask if he is seeing anyone. Nope, too probing. Not quite background check probing, but that is only a problem when someone besides Christian does it.

There is the non car crash scene from Twilight. You know, the one where Bella almost gets hit by a van in her school's parking lot. Only in this version, it is a bicyclist. Don't worry, the tension is real. Those guys are crazy.

He talks about her beautiful eyes for the hundredth time as they are pulled close together by her near death experience. It's supposed to be the sexy powerful moment but I'm still thinking about yowamushi pedal so I'm in my happy place.

He tells her he is not the man for her. She thanks him for “saving her” from the cyclist. They part with Ana mad because Christian is being high-handed, and Christian is a sad panda because she is pissed. Oh well, if only it lasted, then maybe people would learn.

Grey Chapter 2: Possible Plagiarism and General Creepiness

Last time in Grey...Christian worked out and fantasized about a women he met minutes before. Oh and he ordered a background check on her. Nothing weird here.

Chapter 2: Saturday, May 14, 2011

The chapter opens with Christian reading Ana's background check. It includes her cell number, which is a real number not a “555” dealio, complete with a Washington area code. I almost want to call it, but then I would feel weird.

“Social Security No:

987-65-4320”

I want to joke, but I can't. This is terrifying. How does he have her social? He also has her banking info but I can't get over that he has her social. Google tells me it is a number reserved for advertising but I find it strange that this is where James invested her verisimilitude. Who does this? Why would he feel the need to if his interest is purely romantic? It's the middle of the day and I am so unsettled by this I want to lock my doors and close my windows.

SIDE NOTE: I googled the phone number and it brought me to a Fifty Shades fanfic...with the exact same information. No Joke, here are the side-by-side screen caps

Guys I think E L James ripped someone off. Okay, someone besides Stephanie Meyer. And Tara Sue Me. EDIT: Apparently, this was in some bonus material at the end of the third book. After a scolding for not properly researching this (the copy I had didn't have this bonus material, I guess this is what I get for not paying for the book), I have come to the conclusion that it is likely the fanfic author took it from there. Or, at least I hope so.

“I pore over the executive summary for the hundredth time since I received it two days ago...”

What the hell is an executive summary? Is there a legislative summary? What about a judicial summary?

“This past week, during particularly dull meetings, I've found myself replaying the interview in my head. Her fumbling fingers on the recorder, the way she tucked her hair behind her ear, the lip biting.”

This would be cute if I wasn't scared shitless right now. Way to set the tone by starting with the stalking.

“And now here I am, parked outside Clayton's, a mom-and-pop hardware store on the outskirts of Portland where she works.

You're a fool, Grey.”

That is not the f-word I would use.

“Why are you here?”

That is a very valid question.

“I knew it would lead to this. All week...I knew I'd have to see her again.”

“And I don't do waiting. I hate waiting...for anything.”

You're one of those customers, aren't you?

“I've never pursued a woman before.”

“My fear now is that Miss Steele is just too young and that she won't be interested in what I have to offer.”

Well, she isn't. Does that mean the book is over now? No? Ah, hell.

“Why no boyfriend, Miss Steele? Sexual orientation unknown – perhaps she's gay. I snort, thinking that unlikely.”

Why so homophobic James?

“I haven't mentioned her to Flynn, and I'm glad because I'm now behaving like a stalker.”

Being aware it's wrong doesn't make it any less wrong. And for those who don't know, Flynn is Christian therapist. Yeah, it surprised me that he sees one.

“No. I don't want him hounding me about his latest solution-based-therapy shit.”

1. If you think therapy is shit why are you going to it?
2. Solution-based-therapy is about making milestone goals and usually used for addiction. (Thanks Dr. Friend for that info!) Considering Christian's primary problem is PTSD, his doctor or therapist would probably not be using it.
3. Fuck you, Christian. No real reason, just felt like saying it.

“I'd forgotten the possibilities that a hardware store could possibly present to someone like me.”

“I mainly shop online for my needs, but while I'm here, maybe I'll stock up on a few items: Velcro...”

What could you possibly do with Velcro. I may not have a PhD in BDSM but I guess the better question is: why would you use Velcro?

He finds Ana.

“Absentmindedly, she wipes a crumb from the corner of her lips and into her mouth and sucks on her finger. My cock twitches in response.”

I would see a doctor about that.

“My body's reaction is irritating.”

Glad to know it's not just me.

“Maybe this will stop if I fetter, fuck, and flog her...and not necessarily in that order.”

He thinks about how attractive she is because we didn't get enough of that in the first chapter. He greets her and she says

“'Mr. Grey,' she says, breathy and flustered. Ah, a good response.”

I can only imagine that a “bad response” in his opinion would be to call the cops.

“She's dressed in a tight T-shirt and jeans, not the shapeless shit she was wearing earlier this week. She's all long legs, narrow waist, and perfect tits.”

Everything he says makes me squirm and not the good kind, more like the mouth-breathery kind.

“You'd be amazed what I can do with a few cable ties, baby.”

Cut off circulation? Break skin? Kill someone?

“She's wearing chucks. Idly I wonder what she'd look like in skyscraper heels. Louboutins...nothing but Louboutins.”

She would probably fall over if she isn't use to wearing them. Why is he so obsessed with footwear?

“She really is the whole package: sweet, polite, and beautiful, with all the physical attributes I value in a submissive.”

Another note for people unfamiliar with the series, those “physical attributes [he] value[s] in a submissive” are the same ones his dead mother has. Just keep adding layers onto this shit pile.

He thinks about how she couldn't possibly know anything about the BDSM lifestyle because...reasons. I don't know, maybe it's because she doesn't speak in shitty bondage innuendo.

“Is she laughing at me? Oh, I'd love to put a stop to that if she is.”

...permanently?

Christian frets about asking her on a date which in any other book would be awkward and cute but this is Christian Grey so it comes off as creepy. Especially when this is just a few sentences away from

“I select the longer ties. They are more flexible, after all, as they can accommodate two ankles and two wrists at once.”

He wants to hog tie her with cable ties. Ow. Just terror and ow.

He asks how long she has worked there but he already knows the answer.

“Unlike some people, I do my research.”

Do not make this sound like a work ethic thing. You should not be proud that you are a better stalker than most.

“...the tips of our fingers touch, briefly. It resonates in my groin. Damn!”

“resonates in my groin” I can't even...that's just so stupid. Words fail me.

“I groan inwardly, trying to chase away the image of her suspended from the ceiling in my playroom.”

Considering the last playmate he had (as we found out in the first book) was seriously injured when he suspended them, I would probably not go there. But he is an unrepentant asshole with no regard for other people's wants and safety. Want proof? He choose a natural filament rope because

“It's coarser and chafes more if you struggle against it...my rope of choice.”

You're subs safety is in your hands and you purposefully choice a rope that will hurt them when they move.

They chat. She says more than two words to him about Kate and he thinks

“It's the longest sentence she's uttered since we first met, and she's talking about someone else, not herself.”

And instead of taking this to mean that she doesn't want to talk to him about herself he thinks she is not as self-centered as some other characters. Christian.

He agrees to do a photo shoot for her and gives her his number. A random guy approaches Ana and Christian is immediately territorial. A lot of the series is Christian doing this

any time someone looks at Ana. In book two, he buys the publishing house she works at after she breaks up with him, and purchases portraits of her that her friend made so no one else would have it. But it's romantic because love said so.

“Maybe Welch's facts were wrong. Maybe this guy is her boyfriend. He looks the right age...”

You are only a few years older than her. I have had friends date people 15 years their senior. Stop talking like you are a gods damn vampire who only looks young.

“His handshake is limp, like his hair. Asshole.”

I have been taught that a strong handshake is a sign of a strong personality, but why does his limp hair make him an asshole. Are you just a huge Flock of Seagulls fan?

Head canon: Christen is a Flock of Seagulls fan and he listens to "I Ran" when stalking women.

They finish up their transaction and the phrase

“She's going to need substantial training.”

is used and does not refer to her golf game. He leaves but not before telling her that he is glad Kate was sick. He then goes to his car and is disappointed when she is not staring out the window longingly.

There is a pagebreak where all he does is bitch that she hasn't called since he left her side 5 hours ago (not exaggerating). And then after another pagebreak she does call and he is excited. The end. I am really glad I am only doing these once a week. I don't think my anxiety could handle this crazy anymore frequently.

Grey Cover/Chapter 1: Ego-bation

Because some people asked for it, and others thought it would be interesting, I am going to do a Let's Read for Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey as told by Christian. Naturally, it is by E. L. James and is listed as the fourth installment in the series. I will release one chapter a week (on Saturday) in addition to my regular Mon/Thurs Let's Read.

Before I begin, I want to say that I hold no ill will toward James and while I don't think she is a good writer, nothing I say is against her personally. I am only criticizing her work, not her. Now, with the type of hesitation you feel before free-falling from a plane, let's begin.

The Cover

It's just his eye. Seriously? Is that all? I've seen better pictures of the same thing at the county fair. People tend to use black and white photos because the perception is that black and white is more artistic, but the thing with black and white photos is that you need a higher contrast to make it interesting. Your blacks need to be blacker and your whites need to be whiter. If you do it for the sake of simplicity then what are you trying to emphasize?

The first time I saw this cover I actually thought they made his iris a bright pale blue but that was the result of the device I was using. In reality, the whole image is just gray, and that's boring. When I thought it was blue, the color broke up the image. As it is, the sameness of the coloring makes the picture seem creepy. Now I notice that only the area around his eye is lit, which happens when someone is peeking through a hole in the wall while watching you undress. I also notice the flaws. Like the imperfection that crosses into his pupil. Is it a reflection? Is it just how the model's eye looks? Is it bad Photoshop? Why didn't they Photoshop it out? (EDIT: I checked it out in the bookstore and apparently it is blue but now I can't unsee how creepy it is)

Anyway...I should probably get to the actual story sometime.

Chapter 1: Monday, May 9, 2011

“I have three cars. They go fast across the floor. So fast. One is red. One is green. One is yellow. I like the green one. It's the best. Mommy likes them, too.”

Either Christian was born in the mid-2000's or this is a flashback. If this really does happen in 2011, that means that the events of Fifty Shades of Grey take place in the 2030's. And if that is the case, then not only was it trashy erotica, it was futuristic trashy erotica. But my money is on a flashback.

Young Christian narrates that his mom is too coked out to pay attention to him or help him get his car out from under the couch.

“Mommy. My car. She doesn't hear me. Mommy. I pull her hand and she lies back and closes her eyes. Not now, Maggot. Not now, she says.”

Sif's golden hair, please tell me we are not going to spend this entire book with dialogue in italics.

And with a clumsy metaphor about not being able to reach his favorite car, he wakes up.

“What the hell was that about? I grasp at the fragments as they recede, but fail to catch any of them.

Dismissing it, like I do most mornings...”

So it is a recurring nightmare but you still don't know “what the hell” it was about, that's confusing.

Christian gets dressed and goes to work out in his personal gym.

“My thoughts stray to the day.”

Does anyone else feel like a word is missing there? Stray to the events of the day? Stray to the agenda of the day? Stray to the day when I finally end it all?

“I've nothing but meetings, though I'm seeing my personal trainer later for a workout at my office – Bastille is always a welcome challenge.”

Bastille? I don't remember if this character was a thing the first 3 books, I progressively paid less and less attention as time went on, but really? If you get into a fight with them is it considered storming the Bastille? Is their theme song Pompeii?

“Maybe I should call Elena?”

For those of you who have never read the other books, Elena is Christian's rapist. I thought about being funny or clever there, but really that is what she is. She is a friend of his adoptive mother who had sex with Christian when he was fifteen. This is handled terribly and the word “seduced” is used more often than not. Oh, and she is the one responsible for introducing him to the "BDSM" lifestyle. She is a terrible character (in both senses of the phrase) but one that stays in Christian's life because she is his “friend” and not his rapist.

Anyway...

A pagebreak happens and the story continues with Claude Bastille (because of course the Frenchman is named Claude) at Christian's office door. Now that I think about it, why would he be there? He worked out earlier, does he work out twice a day? That seems excessive.

Bastille leaves after beating Christian in some way. We don't get told what he is a personal trainer for so I'm going to assume it's Magic The Gathering, because Christian seems like the asshole who would Rule-Bully someone at a tournament.

 He was probably the one that got this guy thrown out

Christian laments how much business is done on the golf course because he “detest[s]” golf. Detest is a strong word, so I imagine he has some sort of golf trauma we don't know about.

“...and though I hate to admit it, playing against Bastille does improve my game.”

Bro, that is what you pay him for. I would be more surprised if it didn't improve your game.

“My mood is as flat and gray as the weather.”

As gray as my name. As gray as the title of this book. I'm gray daboo-di-daboo-die...

“The sobering truth is that the only thing to capture my interest recently has been my decision to send two freighters of cargo to Sudan.”

Christian is an American businessman and this is May of 2011, the US had and still has a trade embargo with Sudan. However, in 2011, Southern Sudan gained independence and the US department of Treasury lift the sanctions on Southern Sudan...on July 9, literally 2 months after this chapter. So, either the person hired to fact check the American-isms for this book missed this (the intro stated this person exists) or Christian's is a smuggler. Who knows maybe he is...

Christian bitches about having to do the interview with Kate, but I'm distracted by a thought. His personal trainer just left 5 minutes ago. Yeah, I joked about him teaching him MTG but he was probably doing something physical which means that Christian is going to be sweaty and gross in the interview. And why would they meet at his office anyway? Does he like to Jazzersize between meetings?

Anyway...

“Why the hell did I agree to this?”

That same question plagued me too when I first read the books. But I figured you had a bad case of plot convenience.

Apparently, the real reason is that he knows Kate's dad through business dealings. My question now changes from “why are you doing this” to “why are you wondering why you are doing this when you know exactly why?”

“A commotion at the door brings me to my feet as a whirl of long chestnut hair, pale limbs, and brown boots falls headfirst into my office.”

The fact that he notices what color shoes she is wearing that bugs me. I don't know why.

He helps Ana up and looks into her eyes.

“Clear, embarrassed eyes meet mine and halt me in my tracks. They are the most extraordinary color, powder blue, and guileless, and for one awful moment, I think she can see right through me and I'm left...exposed.”

I know this is supposed to be all sweet and powerful but I can't help but think of the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland.

“She has a small, sweet face that is blushing now, an innocent pale rose. I wonder briefly if all her skin is like that – flawless – and what it would look like pink and warmed from the bite of a cane.”

I didn't leave anything out. Okay, I left one sentence out between this quote and the last, but this is the first thought he has after seeing her for the first time and that is terrifying.

“What the hell are you thinking, Grey?”

Seriously, bro, what are you thinking?

“This girl is much too young.”

Okay...that is not the reason why you were in the wrong, but let's run with that.

“She gapes at me, and I resist rolling my eyes. Yeah, yeah, baby, it's just a face, and it's only skin deep. I need to dispel that admiring look from those eyes but let's have some fun in the process!”

How dare she think you are hot! I mean, your face is only skin deep and you want so much more than that. Like floggings. And is that second sentence why he is such an asshat the rest of the series? Are all three books him trying to “dispel that admiring look” from her eyes?

“She's quite attractive...”

So, she can't ogle you but you can ogle her? Yay, double standards! By the way, future sight tells me that he will be thinking about how sexy she is for the rest of the chapter.

Ana introduces herself.

“A bashful, bookish type, eh? She looks it: poorly dressed, her slight frame hidden beneath a shapeless sweater, an A-line brown skirt, and utilitarian boots. Does she have any sense of style at all?”

1. Fuck you. I'm totally bookish but gods below I've got style. It's not exactly Taylor Swift "Style" but it's style none-the-less.
2. I'm sure Christian knows what a A-line skirt looks like. I'm sure he cares about women's fashion so very much.
3. Does anyone else think that this sounds like the Cerulean outfit from The Devil Wears Prada?

They chat. Ana makes some inane comments that Christian mistakes for cleverness and he finds her clumsiness charming instead of annoying.

“As she fumbles and grows more and more flustered, it occurs to me that I could refine her motor skills with the aid of a riding crop. Adeptly used, it can bring the most skittish to heel.”

Everyone knows that this is not how BDSM works but I feel the need to say that, no, it doesn't work like that. That is abuse. That is conditioning. You are a creepy ass mo'fo'.

Ana apologizes for not being well practiced.

“I can tell, baby, but right now I don't give a damn because I can't take my eyes off your mouth.”

Porn has better dialogue than this. I assume...okay, so I've never watch porn. Sue me.

He makes a snarky comment and feels guilty

“Stop being such a shit, Grey.”

Why bother saying it if you never do.

He wonders why he agreed to do the commencement speech, and I have to wonder if he knows why he does anything any of the time. He is displeased that Ana is ill-prepared. I have a feeling his displeasure will be consistent throughout the book. He internal monologs about how awesome he is at the job we never see him do. It is one big ego stroke that comes crashing down when she dares to suggest that he is lucky.

“Lucky? How dare she? […] No one has ever suggested that I was lucky.”

Why is he treating this like she cut off his dick? I'm 5 pages in and I already find him insufferable.

She calls him a control freak, a comment that made no sense in the first book other than to elude to his sexual preferences and it does about as well here. There is some more ego masturbation and he gets off on her gaped response. The interview continues with him imagining her in different positions and I have to pause a moment. He just met her. They have known each other for ten minutes at most and he is already picturing her “spread-eagled” on his bed. I have worked with, and met, some pretty foxy people in my life, but I have never, ever, jumped to the “shackle them to the cross” fantasy upon introduction. I asked the resident male and he said, he also has not jumped to that conclusion.

Anyway...

Ana asks what he does to chill and relax.

“'Chill out?' Those words out of her smart mouth sound odd but amusing.”

1. When people say the phrase “smart mouth” it is not meant as a compliment.
2. Some of the smartest people I know still use contemporary slang. This is a thing you classist asshole.

“She has no idea what I do.”

And neither do we for that matter. So far, you have felt the need to tell us you've worked out twice and possibly smuggled goods to another country.

Christian considers his hobby of abusing and conditioning women but tells her about the legal stuff he does. They continue to chat and I have a feeling this is supposed to be revealing, but it is the same conversation from the first book and does nothing to add to our knowledge of Christian, just a lot of internal dialogue about how he is jonesing for her.

But then we get to the dreaded “are you gay” question

“What the hell!

I cannot believe she's said that out loud! […] How dare she! I have the sudden urge to drag her out of her seat, bend her over my knee, spank her, and then fuck her over my desk with her hands tied behind her back. That would answer her ridiculous question.”

Yes, because no gay guy has ever had sex with a woman ever, and there is no way he could be bi. And the only way to prove that he is the straightest manliest man who ever man'd is to rape her, because if you think a little thing like consent will get between him and his fantasy, you've got another thing coming. In short, I hated Christian before, but now that he is this homophobic, I hate him even more.

The interview continues and ends with some dialogue written around him wanting to “flog and fuck this girl in my playroom” it is all very tired and boring, but Christian is fascinated by the special snowflake that is Ana. So much so that the chapter ends with him ordering a background check on her. You know, nothing stalkery just the usual personal history, medical records, dental records, credit history. I'm kidding, I have no idea how intense of a background check he is asking for but knowing him, I wouldn't be surprised if he gets the results from her last pap smear.

And with that lovely thought, we are done with this Let's Read! Yay! I survived chapter 1. It can only go up from here right?