Because some people asked for it, and others thought it would be interesting, I am going to do a Let's Read for Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey as told by Christian. Naturally, it is by E. L. James and is listed as the fourth installment in the series. I will release one chapter a week (on Saturday) in addition to my regular Mon/Thurs Let's Read.
Before I begin, I want to say that I hold no ill will toward James and while I don't think she is a good writer, nothing I say is against her personally. I am only criticizing her work, not her. Now, with the type of hesitation you feel before free-falling from a plane, let's begin.
The Cover
It's just his eye. Seriously? Is that all? I've seen better pictures of the same thing at the county fair. People tend to use black and white photos because the perception is that black and white is more artistic, but the thing with black and white photos is that you need a higher contrast to make it interesting. Your blacks need to be blacker and your whites need to be whiter. If you do it for the sake of simplicity then what are you trying to emphasize?
The first time I saw this cover I actually thought they made his iris a bright pale blue but that was the result of the device I was using. In reality, the whole image is just gray, and that's boring. When I thought it was blue, the color broke up the image. As it is, the sameness of the coloring makes the picture seem creepy. Now I notice that only the area around his eye is lit, which happens when someone is peeking through a hole in the wall while watching you undress. I also notice the flaws. Like the imperfection that crosses into his pupil. Is it a reflection? Is it just how the model's eye looks? Is it bad Photoshop? Why didn't they Photoshop it out? (EDIT: I checked it out in the bookstore and apparently it is blue but now I can't unsee how creepy it is)
Anyway...I should probably get to the actual story sometime.
Chapter 1: Monday, May 9, 2011
“I have three cars. They go fast across the floor. So fast. One is red. One is green. One is yellow. I like the green one. It's the best. Mommy likes them, too.”
Either Christian was born in the mid-2000's or this is a flashback. If this really does happen in 2011, that means that the events of Fifty Shades of Grey take place in the 2030's. And if that is the case, then not only was it trashy erotica, it was futuristic trashy erotica. But my money is on a flashback.
Young Christian narrates that his mom is too coked out to pay attention to him or help him get his car out from under the couch.
“Mommy. My car. She doesn't hear me. Mommy. I pull her hand and she lies back and closes her eyes. Not now, Maggot. Not now, she says.”
Sif's golden hair, please tell me we are not going to spend this entire book with dialogue in italics.
And with a clumsy metaphor about not being able to reach his favorite car, he wakes up.
“What the hell was that about? I grasp at the fragments as they recede, but fail to catch any of them.
Dismissing it, like I do most mornings...”
So it is a recurring nightmare but you still don't know “what the hell” it was about, that's confusing.
Christian gets dressed and goes to work out in his personal gym.
“My thoughts stray to the day.”
Does anyone else feel like a word is missing there? Stray to the events of the day? Stray to the agenda of the day? Stray to the day when I finally end it all?
“I've nothing but meetings, though I'm seeing my personal trainer later for a workout at my office – Bastille is always a welcome challenge.”
Bastille? I don't remember if this character was a thing the first 3 books, I progressively paid less and less attention as time went on, but really? If you get into a fight with them is it considered storming the Bastille? Is their theme song Pompeii?
“Maybe I should call Elena?”
For those of you who have never read the other books, Elena is Christian's rapist. I thought about being funny or clever there, but really that is what she is. She is a friend of his adoptive mother who had sex with Christian when he was fifteen. This is handled terribly and the word “seduced” is used more often than not. Oh, and she is the one responsible for introducing him to the "BDSM" lifestyle. She is a terrible character (in both senses of the phrase) but one that stays in Christian's life because she is his “friend” and not his rapist.
Anyway...
A pagebreak happens and the story continues with Claude Bastille (because of course the Frenchman is named Claude) at Christian's office door. Now that I think about it, why would he be there? He worked out earlier, does he work out twice a day? That seems excessive.
Bastille leaves after beating Christian in some way. We don't get told what he is a personal trainer for so I'm going to assume it's Magic The Gathering, because Christian seems like the asshole who would Rule-Bully someone at a tournament.
He was probably the one that got this guy thrown out
Christian laments how much business is done on the golf course because he “detest[s]” golf. Detest is a strong word, so I imagine he has some sort of golf trauma we don't know about.
“...and though I hate to admit it, playing against Bastille does improve my game.”
Bro, that is what you pay him for. I would be more surprised if it didn't improve your game.
“My mood is as flat and gray as the weather.”
As gray as my name. As gray as the title of this book. I'm gray daboo-di-daboo-die...
“The sobering truth is that the only thing to capture my interest recently has been my decision to send two freighters of cargo to Sudan.”
Christian is an American businessman and this is May of 2011, the US had and still has a trade embargo with Sudan. However, in 2011, Southern Sudan gained independence and the US department of Treasury lift the sanctions on Southern Sudan...on July 9, literally 2 months after this chapter. So, either the person hired to fact check the American-isms for this book missed this (the intro stated this person exists) or Christian's is a smuggler. Who knows maybe he is...
Christian bitches about having to do the interview with Kate, but I'm distracted by a thought. His personal trainer just left 5 minutes ago. Yeah, I joked about him teaching him MTG but he was probably doing something physical which means that Christian is going to be sweaty and gross in the interview. And why would they meet at his office anyway? Does he like to Jazzersize between meetings?
Anyway...
“Why the hell did I agree to this?”
That same question plagued me too when I first read the books. But I figured you had a bad case of plot convenience.
Apparently, the real reason is that he knows Kate's dad through business dealings. My question now changes from “why are you doing this” to “why are you wondering why you are doing this when you know exactly why?”
“A commotion at the door brings me to my feet as a whirl of long chestnut hair, pale limbs, and brown boots falls headfirst into my office.”
The fact that he notices what color shoes she is wearing that bugs me. I don't know why.
He helps Ana up and looks into her eyes.
“Clear, embarrassed eyes meet mine and halt me in my tracks. They are the most extraordinary color, powder blue, and guileless, and for one awful moment, I think she can see right through me and I'm left...exposed.”
I know this is supposed to be all sweet and powerful but I can't help but think of the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland.
“She has a small, sweet face that is blushing now, an innocent pale rose. I wonder briefly if all her skin is like that – flawless – and what it would look like pink and warmed from the bite of a cane.”
I didn't leave anything out. Okay, I left one sentence out between this quote and the last, but this is the first thought he has after seeing her for the first time and that is terrifying.
“What the hell are you thinking, Grey?”
Seriously, bro, what are you thinking?
“This girl is much too young.”
Okay...that is not the reason why you were in the wrong, but let's run with that.
“She gapes at me, and I resist rolling my eyes. Yeah, yeah, baby, it's just a face, and it's only skin deep. I need to dispel that admiring look from those eyes but let's have some fun in the process!”
How dare she think you are hot! I mean, your face is only skin deep and you want so much more than that. Like floggings. And is that second sentence why he is such an asshat the rest of the series? Are all three books him trying to “dispel that admiring look” from her eyes?
“She's quite attractive...”
So, she can't ogle you but you can ogle her? Yay, double standards! By the way, future sight tells me that he will be thinking about how sexy she is for the rest of the chapter.
Ana introduces herself.
“A bashful, bookish type, eh? She looks it: poorly dressed, her slight frame hidden beneath a shapeless sweater, an A-line brown skirt, and utilitarian boots. Does she have any sense of style at all?”
- Fuck you. I'm totally bookish but gods below I've got style. It's not exactly Taylor Swift "Style" but it's style none-the-less.
- I'm sure Christian knows what a A-line skirt looks like. I'm sure he cares about women's fashion so very much.
- Does anyone else think that this sounds like the Cerulean outfit from The Devil Wears Prada?
They chat. Ana makes some inane comments that Christian mistakes for cleverness and he finds her clumsiness charming instead of annoying.
“As she fumbles and grows more and more flustered, it occurs to me that I could refine her motor skills with the aid of a riding crop. Adeptly used, it can bring the most skittish to heel.”
Everyone knows that this is not how BDSM works but I feel the need to say that, no, it doesn't work like that. That is abuse. That is conditioning. You are a creepy ass mo'fo'.
Ana apologizes for not being well practiced.
“I can tell, baby, but right now I don't give a damn because I can't take my eyes off your mouth.”
Porn has better dialogue than this. I assume...okay, so I've never watch porn. Sue me.
He makes a snarky comment and feels guilty
“Stop being such a shit, Grey.”
Why bother saying it if you never do.
He wonders why he agreed to do the commencement speech, and I have to wonder if he knows why he does anything any of the time. He is displeased that Ana is ill-prepared. I have a feeling his displeasure will be consistent throughout the book. He internal monologs about how awesome he is at the job we never see him do. It is one big ego stroke that comes crashing down when she dares to suggest that he is lucky.
“Lucky? How dare she? […] No one has ever suggested that I was lucky.”
Why is he treating this like she cut off his dick? I'm 5 pages in and I already find him insufferable.
She calls him a control freak, a comment that made no sense in the first book other than to elude to his sexual preferences and it does about as well here. There is some more ego masturbation and he gets off on her gaped response. The interview continues with him imagining her in different positions and I have to pause a moment. He just met her. They have known each other for ten minutes at most and he is already picturing her “spread-eagled” on his bed. I have worked with, and met, some pretty foxy people in my life, but I have never, ever, jumped to the “shackle them to the cross” fantasy upon introduction. I asked the resident male and he said, he also has not jumped to that conclusion.
Anyway...
Ana asks what he does to chill and relax.
“'Chill out?' Those words out of her smart mouth sound odd but amusing.”
- When people say the phrase “smart mouth” it is not meant as a compliment.
- Some of the smartest people I know still use contemporary slang. This is a thing you classist asshole.
“She has no idea what I do.”
And neither do we for that matter. So far, you have felt the need to tell us you've worked out twice and possibly smuggled goods to another country.
Christian considers his hobby of abusing and conditioning women but tells her about the legal stuff he does. They continue to chat and I have a feeling this is supposed to be revealing, but it is the same conversation from the first book and does nothing to add to our knowledge of Christian, just a lot of internal dialogue about how he is jonesing for her.
But then we get to the dreaded “are you gay” question
“What the hell!
I cannot believe she's said that out loud! […] How dare she! I have the sudden urge to drag her out of her seat, bend her over my knee, spank her, and then fuck her over my desk with her hands tied behind her back. That would answer her ridiculous question.”
Yes, because no gay guy has ever had sex with a woman ever, and there is no way he could be bi. And the only way to prove that he is the straightest manliest man who ever man'd is to rape her, because if you think a little thing like consent will get between him and his fantasy, you've got another thing coming. In short, I hated Christian before, but now that he is this homophobic, I hate him even more.
The interview continues and ends with some dialogue written around him wanting to “flog and fuck this girl in my playroom” it is all very tired and boring, but Christian is fascinated by the special snowflake that is Ana. So much so that the chapter ends with him ordering a background check on her. You know, nothing stalkery just the usual personal history, medical records, dental records, credit history. I'm kidding, I have no idea how intense of a background check he is asking for but knowing him, I wouldn't be surprised if he gets the results from her last pap smear.
And with that lovely thought, we are done with this Let's Read! Yay! I survived chapter 1. It can only go up from here right?
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