Last time in Wallbanger...A lot of
crazy random happenstances culminating with Simon and Caroline
kissing, their best friends hooking up, and Simon driving Caroline
home. Oh, Simon also eluded to knowing about Caroline's dreams about
him.
Chapter 7
Clive wakes Caroline up
because he is a kitty and he does what he wants.
Caroline talks about being
“mortifi[ed]” and how those embarrassed feelings made her sleep
with the TV on to cover up any screams of passion. After searching
for the least sexy TV channel
“I ended up on the
all-infomercial channel...”
because it was the least
likely to be mistaken for sex noises. But I don't know if it really
is the least sexy channel. Have you seen the way they try to tell
some of those products?
look at how sexy
that is
“All this was in addition
to listening to the sounds of Tommy Dorsey coming through the wall.”
Swing music? That's just
rude. I love me some swing, but at 1am when you are trying to sleep?
Heck no, if it involves trumpets, sleep will not happen. This is a
proven fact.
“They made me smile. I
can't lie.”
I guess everyone has that
one thing that melts their panties and Caroline's is jazz clarinet.
“Sure, my O was gone,
maybe for forever. Sure, I'd been having sex dreams about my overly
attractive and overly confident neighbor. And sure, said neighbor had
heard these dreams and commented on them, getting the last word in an
already extremely bizarre evening.”
Marvin the Paranoid Android
could give a better pep talk. Reread that last paragraph in Alan
Rickman's voice and you'll see.
“I'd just acknowledge it
before he could – take the wind out of his sails, as it were […]
I'm totally screwed.”
Caroline's thoughts are
interrupted by Simon's alarm going off.
“...I froze. Then I
recovered and slipped back under the covers...”
Why are you hiding? He can't
see you.
“Wait, why was I hiding?
He couldn't see me.”
Caroline gets up, gets ready
and goes to meet the BFF's for brunch. Brunch always makes me think
of Joe Manganiello thanks to How I Met Your Mother so both Caroline
and I are too distracted to notice the meat wall that is Simon until
it is too late.
“'Whoa,' I cried as I
teetered backward. His arm shot out and caught me just before I went
from flustered to flat-out wrong and on my bottom.”
I don't know why she would
be “flat-out wrong” when she was just walking besides the need
for alteration, but I guess that is neither here nor there. They talk
and their conversation involves some word vomit about sweatiness, her
internal wishing he was fat and/or ugly and the vocalized assertion
that they will never bone.
What I do like about this
exchange is that Simon is not taking her shit but still being civil
and even a little flirtatious. I'm not sure why he is flirtatious,
but he is. Caroline says
“'Too bad I don't work
well with others! I ain't no harem girl!'”
And instead of shutting her
judgment down like he had all chapter 6, he just lets it go and they
agree that the truce is stands. That pisses me off. Not the truce,
but that Simon is slowly becoming less offended and defensive by
Caroline's bitchiness. Instead of her doing what she said in chapter
6 and letting Simon do what he wants, she is doing the same thing as
before but without reprimand. I feel like Simon is going to be come
more closed minded instead of Caroline becoming more open. And I hate
that superiority in Caroline's tone when she says “I ain't no harem
girl!' as if those women are somehow less because they are having sex
with Simon.
People are ordering food. I
wish I could tell you who or why or even for what reason but all I
know is that they are and I can't for the life of me think why this
is here. I'm okay with the dialogue paragraphs lacking attribution
(ie when you have quotes but no 'he said' 'she said' 'Hex cried'
attached to it) but you usually get that when you are in the flow of
conversation so you have a sense of who is talking. This just starts
off with no attribution and it is only about food so I feel like she
is trying to get me to guess who has what order. If this is a game, I
disapprove.
Caroline asks why they had
to joke about Simon's erection, they say they had no choice. I still
don't get it. They exchange info about their night, none of it
interesting other than to reinforce the stereotypes we have set in
place. Neil is a jock, Ryan is a nerd, and Simon is feminist. Just
think
and you won't even have to
read their dialogue. Although I was personally offended by
“'...he was about fifteen
years too late for flannel, but he got an A for angst.'”
Shut up flannel is comfy.
The BFF's ask when her
dating hiatus will be over and Caroline says maybe never.
“They had their Os, and
now they had new boys.”
Why is she acting like she
just came back from the war? I get that she was particularly attached
to her orgasm, but Jesus Christ can she go one bloody chapter without
mentioning that she can't cum. The movie Short Bus talked about
orgasms less. The movie Shame had fewer orgasms in it. Hell, Fifty
Shades of fuck-all talked about orgasms less. That has to be some
kind of achievement.
“I needed to turn this
back to them.”
What? Caroline wants to
change the subject from her all important orgasm to other people? Is
she feeling alright?
Caroline asks about their
goodnight kisses. Both girls seem overly concerned with the others
experience cementing my bait-and-switch theory. The BFF's ask about
the truce and a bet that it won't last a week leads into another
Jillian walks into
Caroline's office and after a lot of work talk where Jillian just
smiled at her
I know this is "you don't say meme" but work with me here.
and Caroline finally says
what I've been thinking since the party incident.
“'First of all, you can't
tell me you didn't know he lived next door.'”
If Benjamin is as involved
in Simon's life how do they not know that he lived next door to
Jillian' apartment? Jillian says it's because she had never been to
his place and blah blah blah plot convenience.
Through Jillian we learn
more about Simon. He was Philadelphia raised before going to Stanford. Oooo
they have a large Amish community, maybe he left the community and
that's why is so sexually liberated (spoilers: He is not). Benjamin
is his favorite non-uncle and, of course, Simon's parents died his
senior year of high school in a car accident. Because if Disney has
taught us anything, it's that your backstory is only as tragic if
someone you love is dead.
Side note: He went to
Stanford and is a photojournalist? Was his back up going to Harvard
for cosmetology?
We find out that Simon also
likes to travel and he speaks at least one other language (Spanish).
Simon flirted a little with Jillian when they first met and
Caroline's all
“...rolled my eyes. This
matched what I knew of him already. Although, as brash as my girls
and I were when flirting with Benjamin, it was the pot calling the
kettle forward.”
I'm glad you said it and not
me because I had a whole hypocrisy rant ready in my head with
Jillian says Simon is really
sweet, and so far I believe it. The only time he was a dick was when
they first met and I can hardly blame him for that. Since then, he
has been charming and nice and Caroline has been shrill and
aggressive. Anywho...
The next scene I can only
describe as strange. Clive gets out and chases Purina around Simon's
apartment, not because he heard her meow but because he sensed her on
the other side of the door. I am not shitting you.
“...I saw a look of panic
cross Purina's face and a look of pure lust cross Clive's as he
prepared to woo.”
How does this even work?
Does Clive think she is a giant russian lady cat?
“Of course the girl who
meows when she has an orgasm is afraid of cats.”
An animal is charging her
with unknown intent, I think common sense comes before irony.
Caroline enters Simon's
apartment and has time to take a paragraph to talk about his
decoration when a woman is shrieking in the next room. She goes into
his bedroom and, again, she distracted from the task at hand.
Honestly, the whole thing comes off as Three Stooges but with 3 women
and a cat. Oh and Simon who yells at Caroline, while Mimi is yelling
at him, and while Purina is yelling at everyone in Russian.
Eventually, it's just Simon
and Caroline talking and Caroline explains the situation. Simon is
vaguely clueless until Caroline tells him that it is because she
meows. He does a very masculine giggle that annoys me because it is
one more step toward Simon changing how he sees these women and
Caroline not changing at all.
The chapter ends with Simon
playing Pussy Control (I'm assuming the Prince song) because Caroline
requested he not play big band music (they had a “moment” when
they talked about big band but I just want this to be over). Oh, and
we found out Purina's real name is Nadia because
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