Last time in Wallbanger...Simon has
more sex (at this point, that's a given) Caroline has a shitty day,
Simon's bedroom acrobatics interrupt Caroline's “personal” time
and so she returns the favor by banging on his door.
Chapter 5
This chapter begins with a
dream sequence (trust me, my instincts say dream sequence) where
Caroline is getting wallbanged by Simon.
“I closed my eyes,
letting myself feel how deeply I was being affected. And by deep, I
mean deep...”
“His eyes, those
damnable blue eyes...”
I didn't mention in the last
entry that his eyes were blue because I didn't want to type “of
course” 3 times. But yes, he has blue eyes because all leading
characters in books have recessive genes. That's how those work
right?
“And promptly woke
up...”
“Ever since the night
Simon and I 'met' in the hallway, I couldn't stop dreaming about
him.”
Ah, so some indeterminate
amount of time has passed. Gotcha.
Caroline talks about how she
dreams about him a bunch even though she knows he is bad for her, but
she can't hold back her lusty feelings! So much so that she requires
self control when handling a banana. And then the next three
paragraphs are all sitcom style innuendo. It's all terrible but to
show you how terrible here is one of the more subtle ones
“This was headed south
fast. And by south I mean...”
She replays the night they
met in her head. She yells at him. He doesn't realize there is a
problem and tells her to calm down. Which was a mistake if you know
what I mean
She details his exploits to
let him know she can indeed hear him, but because a wild crazy lady
has appeared to challenge his lifestyle (Caroline), he gets mad himself. He
rightfully tells her that it's his life and that this is not the time
or place to be having this discussion. She yells some more and he
makes the very distasteful comment
“'Well, how come you
can hear me and I can't hear you? Wait, wait, there's no one banging
on your walls, is there?'”
This is a dick move and I
can't emphasize enough how much I hate slut-shaming/prude-shaming.
That being said I cannot resist using this gif
She suddenly realizes she is
wearing lingerie
“Pink baby doll
nightie. What a way to establish credibility.”
Now, I agree that Simon has
a right to be pissed. Some random woman interrupts his orgasm to yell
at him for a problem he didn't know existed. I also agree that
Caroline has the right to be pissed. Some random dude is relentlessly
disrupting her sleep and she has had a bad day. But I can't imagine
why her clothes would factor in her credibility. Does owning lingerie
mean your complaints about noise levels are invalid? Is that on the
back of the receipts to Frederick's of Hollywood or Victoria's
Secret? Warning! Sexy clothes may invalidate you're problems?
He gives her the old
elevator stare and winks at her sending her stomping off fuming.
Personally, I would have hit him too, but hey that is me. She goes to
work and
My new page break picture
At work Caroline talks to
Jillian (her boss) about Jillian's house. The renovations are done
and a housewarming party will happen the following weekend. It's about
a page and a half of mostly realistic dialogue with one exception
Caroline: Can we bring
anything, and can we stare at your fiance?
Jillian: Don't you dare,
and I would except nothing less.
I like that Jillian is
secure in her relationship and I know that Caroline does not actually
have a crush on her bosses future husband, but that just sounds
weird. Can't place why, it just weirds me out.
Caroline is having lunch
with the BFF's. That goes thusly
Friends
Caroline
and then the narrative is
side tracked by talking about how pretty the girls are and what type
of girlfriend they make. Sofia is self assured with a type-A
personality. Mimi is an adult lolita. And then there is Caroline
“I'd been told I was
pretty, and on some days I believed it.”
Mmmhmmm, I'm sure you have
self-esteem issues.
She then talks about their
types. Sofia likes cowboys. Mimi likes big men. Caroline likes men
with money (but not because she is materialistic but because a guy
stole her credit card once) and he has to like the outdoors. So, basically
Indiana Jones. One thing before I move on though, Caroline talks
about a time when Sofia was wasted and Caroline used her “best
Oklahoma accent” and Sofia wanted to pounce her. If Sofia is bi or
lesbian that's fine, and I am even willing to accept the tired “it
was college” excuse, but what bugs me is this: Caroline did it to
mess with her. Her exact words are
“I'd messed with her
one night when she was wasted using my best Oklahoma accent.”
That is fucked up. She
baited and seduced one of her best friends because she thought it
would be funny. And what if Sofia is not straight? No doubt Caroline
teased her relentlessly for this incident thereby ensuring that Sofia
would never come out to her. It is mean to jokingly play with
someones feelings because you never know when they are being serious.
Anyway...
They talk about the incident
with Simon. She says he is hot but she that doesn't care but then says
“'And then that
morning, he's in the hallway with Purina, kissing on her!'”
A few things
- If this was the night of the shouting match, his bedfellow was The Giggler, not Purina. Continuity, please.
- How does one kiss "on" someone? Was he kissing all of her? Just her hand? Was he kissing someone else but using Purina as a mattress?
We get the reminder that
Jillian does not know this neighbor because he is new and therefore
cannot be held socially responsible for Caroline's problems. They leave
lunch. Sofia takes Caroline home and repeats what she said at the
restaurant.
It's a week later and they
are getting ready for the party that will no doubt change everything.
They are pre-gaming but here are my pre-party pre-dictions
- Simon will be there, either knowing Jillian, her fiance, or both.
- They will clash and probably kiss in that angry making out way that always seems less rapey in books and movies than it does in real life.
- I will not be amused or impressed but I will try to enjoy myself none the less (kinda like in real life when I am at a party).
Caroline hears Simon and
“two other distinctly male voices” next door I will add a 4th
prediction: Simon's two friends and Caroline's BFF's will get
together.
Suddenly, Simon starts
blasting “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns and Roses and Caroline
approves. I guess they are the type of people who like all kinds of
music (except country probably).
“I put a headband low
on my forehead and did Axl's crab dance back and forth...”
I'm not a huge GnR fan, they
were a talented group that some of my favorite non-fic writers like
to talk about, but I just missed the train when it came to the
fandom. That being said, even I know it's a snake dance, not a crab
dance.
Then this sitcom becomes a romcom with the young women jumping on the bed shriek singing lyrics.
“I started to feel the
bed moving underneath us, and I realized it was banging merrily
against the wall – Simon's wall.”
She then gets a vaguely
perverse pleasure from Simon angrily shutting off the music and
banging on her wall. Then, I promise I am giving as much context as
is available, this dialogue happens.
Caroline: Give it up,
mister! No sex for you!
Simon: Tons of sex for
me, sister. None for you!
Here is the sequence of
events.
- Simon plays music
- Caroline et al get noisy
- Simon stops music and bangs on wall
- Bwahahaha you can't have sex
- Lies! All the sex for me! No, sex for you
Did I miss something? What
does her making noise have to do with him having sex? As far as we
can tell he wasn't having sex right now. Is she saying that she will
be loud and noisy and interrupt him having sex every time she hears
him? What does this have to do with anything? Is it just for a
plant/pay off for when they get to the party and see each other and
awkwardness ensues? If so, this is some contrived wacky shinnanigans.
“'The nerve, I mean,
the mother-loving nerve of that guy! He has the balls to actually
bang on my wall, on my wall?'”
I hate saying this because
it sounds childish, but you started it. Really, this all Caroline's
fault. If she talked to Simon during the day when she heard him next
door instead of gossiping about him and fuming, she might have gotten
off that night and not gotten into a shouting match with him. But no,
she needed to be as passive-aggressive as possible when she seems
fine with facing any other problem head on.
Caroline is determined to
not let Simon ruin her night, but just you wait and see.
“And if we were lucky,
[Jillian's] fiance would let us see the pictures of him when he was a
swimmer in college, back when swimmers still just wore tiny Speedos.”
According to my cousin who
is a swimmer and teaches swim, they still do wear Speedos.
Apparently, at bigger events people tend to wear long pants, but at
smaller events they tend to wear Speedos. I wonder why...If any of
you readers are scientists/researchers in need of an idea, you should
research Speedo frequency in relation to crowd sizes at swim meets.
It's a hard job, but
somebody should do it for science!
In the car ride, there is a
joke about Sophia and Caroline being “pseudo-lesbians” which rubs
me the wrong way but it is mostly used as a segue for them to talk
about their soulmates.
“Eh...I'd just settle
for my Soul-O.”
And yet you begrudge Simon
getting laid at his current rate.
They arrive that the most
ridiculous and ostentatious house this side of “Cribs”. I will
skip the details, because there are a lot of them and there is still
5 pages left to this chapter, but suffice it to say it is a small
mansion on a hill with it's own personal “hillevator”
(hill-elevator) to get from the parking to the house.
At the party, Mimi and
Sophia see the guys of their respective dreams, Neil and Ryan. And,
because I am really related to Professor Trelawney, 2 of my
predictions came true. Simon is at the party and is friends with Neil
and Ryan.
Caroline: Fucking
Wallbanger
Simon: Fucking Pink
Nightie Girl
Really, Simon? Pink Nightie
Girl? Lame. Caroline doesn't think it is lame however, she thinks it
is infuriating. She tries to kill him with a look, but
“He
Was
Still
Smirking.”
I
Really
Hope
All
The
Chapters
Don't
End
Like
This.
And that is that. Tune in
next time to see if my other 2 predictions come true. Also, I looked
at your coffee grounds from this morning and you will most certainly
die eventually.
No comments:
Post a Comment