Last time in Wallbanger...in chapter 20
Caroline was over dramatic and came home to San Francisco to angrily
bake, in chapter 21 Simon comes home early, they say the “I love
you's” and go at it like it's Witchcraft VIII.
Chapter 22
It's the last chapter gentle
reader! I may need a hankie.
“4:37 p.m., that same
day”
I'm not sure why we need a
time stamp but at least it makes more sense than when Frank Miller
does it.
Simon and Caroline are in
the shower, and now they are having getting clean sex since all of
last chapter was getting dirty sex. It's not bad, but I'm wondering
why it's here. This is the last chapter, is it just going to be 20
pages of porn?
“6:41 p.m.”
...Okay, getting a little
more “Miller” Clayton.
Caroline continues to use
“hoohah” and “Hi-There” instead of actual words and I am
reminded of a joke that Patton Oswalt made in one of his specials.
The gist is that “clean” filth is way more creepy and gross than
just being vulgar. After so many Caroline euphemisms I got to agree.
Simon and Caroline talk
about his penis as if it were it's own person. They have more sex and
the phrase “sexual Lego” is used, and no I think it reads
better without context.
“8:17 p.m.”
How has this only been 4
pages? This is the longest 4 pages of the book.
They have more sex, but this
time try to have a full conversation while going at it just to see if
they can. They talk about baking because that seems the best way to
get Simon off, and interior design for Caroline. Are they going to
bone over taxes next?
“9:32 p.m.”
Now every time I see the
time stamp I think of the Law & Order *dun dun* sound and read
the passage with a crime drama-esque voice. It's the little things
that keep this interesting.
They are bathing again and
Caroline is trying to get a rise out of Simon.
Simon: I'm not seventeen,
you know.
Caroline: Thank goodness,
or I would have to answer for my actions – corrupting a minor and
all that.
If by “corruption” you
mean statutory rape, then yes. You would indeed have to answer for
that.
They have more sex. Are you
surprised?
“11:09 p.m.”
I'm going to guess more sex
happens, but don't quote me on that.
“'I'm just going to get
the food. I need sustenance, woman.'”
No shit, you guys have been
going at it all day. I'm surprised that Simon isn't shooting blood at
this point. And what about Caroline? She hasn't slept since Spain for
all we know? How is she not delirious at this point?
Simon tries to crawl to the
door (because he can't walk for all the sex) to get the Thai food
they ordered and Caroline tries to distract him by masturbating. It
works and the Thai delivery boy gets a $30 tip for not opening the
door and walking away. Delivery boy gets the better deal.
“1:14 a.m.”
Time is meaningless now. I
can see the end, but it never comes. First, I must slog through pages
and pages of orgasms and innuendos. But, wait! Is that non-sexual
dialogue I spy? It is! And it's about how their relationship will
work around their jobs. I want to savor this but it's really short
and all they say is that they are comfortable with Simon traveling
all the time.
All dialogue about how happy
they are that Simon came home early.
“Text between Simon and
Caroline the following Tuesday”
I was a fool for thinking I
was through with this stuff.
Plans for a group dinner are
discussed and sex jokes are a plenty.
“Text between Mimi and
Caroline on Thursday”
They talk about Caroline's
hesitation to have sex in the bed that Simon banged so many others
in.
Then we get some regular
narration, wherein Simon is becoming a crazy cat lady.
“I would never need the
Honey and the Baby.”
Does she mean she will never
need him to call her by pet names or nicknames? Or is she saying that
she will never need him to pick up honey and they will never need to
make a baby? Cause on the one hand, I'm not sure what Clayton has
against nicknames and on the other hand I understand if she never
needs honey or babies.
We then find out that the
entire plot and premise was orchestrated by Caroline's boss and
Simon's friend. They are like the gods of old, playing with the lives
of mere mortals out of boredom and self-importance.
The pair are doing dishes
but are interrupted by lust. Simon picks Caroline up and carries her
to her bed where they find no sheets. It's laundry day and Caroline
forgot to put the sheets in the dryer.
“'Problem solved.
Slumber party at Simon's.'”
That's why we needed that
text between Caroline and Mimi, to establish a conflict.
“He ruffled through
piles of lace and peekaboo.”
Should I just accept that
Caroline will always talk like a kindergartner about sexy things?
Also, why is it in fiction that women only own cute and sexy under
garments? Does no one own an 8 pack of cotton underroos from Walmart?
Caroline is fixing herself
up in Simon's bathroom and wondering how many other women have done
this very thing. But then he plays Glenn Miller at her and she
swoons, she sighs, and she bangs. Wallbangs in fact.
Post-coitus Simon goes over
to Caroline's apartment to retrieve Clive (his new best friend) then
we get what sounds like the ending but there is 2 more pages left so
I don't know.
“And then, as the
laughter faded and sleep took hold, I pondered what the future might
hold for me and my Wallbanger.
I knew it wouldn't always
be this easy. But it sure as hell would be a good time.”
Then we get a pagebreak but
this one is shaped like a cat stretching. I'm a little scared you
guys.
“All was quiet as I
set out on patrol, making sure the perimeter was secure.”
This is all in italics for
some reason. The next page and a half are all in italics for some
reason.
“I padded through my
new territory, taking notice of any loose Q-Tips.”
What did I do to deserve
this? Why do we have an impromptu POV shift in the last moments of a
romance novel to the cat? I can't explain with words why this is so
insane. The cat lays down to dream about Nadia. The cat is having an
inter-species erotic dream, after we spent the last 20 pages reading
about non-stop sex. How can I top that nonsense?
Overall, I have to say that
that because of all the really good character moments in the later
half of the book, especially in chapters 20 and 21, that my opinion
has greatly improved. At first, I thought the book was trying too hard
to be Sex and the City. Then in the middle, I was bored and annoyed.
But once the main characters started acting like real people, the
story became fun. This didn't have as much wasted potential as Boy
Window, but the overall quality was much higher to begin with. I'm
going to give it a 3 out of 6, since I didn't start actually liking
it until about half-way through and because I still can't bring
myself to forgive it for an unlikable main character and bad jokes.
Next time, I will be time
traveling back to when men wore waistcoats and cravats and women wore
stays. It's Amanda Quick's Crystal Gardens.
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