Wallbanger Chapter 4: The Meet Not So Cute

Last time in Wallbanger...Caroline tells her boss and two best friends about Simon's wallbanging. Nothing else happened.

Chapter 4

“The next few nights were blissfully quiet.”

Sweet, cause I was getting tired of every chapter just being about our MC's neighbor having sex.

“I met some of my neighbors, including Euan and Antonio who lived downstairs.”

$5 says they are the token gay best friends.

“'Darling, wait until you see our dear Simon. What a specimen that boy is!' Euan exclaimed.”

Called it! And since this is pretty much Sex and the City, I will fan cast them as Stanford and Anthony.

We get some unrealistic dialogue from Euan and Antonio until Caroline decides to tell them about Simon's revolving door of women.

“...unless I dished the dirt, they would not reciprocate.”

Man, Caroline is a gossip. Yeah, she “has an excuse” but really she just wants tell anyone who will listen about Simon's sex life.

“They clung to every word like fat kids at buffet.”

Except that childhood obesity is a serious a problem and trivializing it undermines the physical and mental problems that may be effecting such a person.

“Simon was a freelance photographer who traveled all over the world. […] Simon worked on projects for The Discovery Channel, The Cousteau Society, National Geographic – all the bigwigs.”

So is he a photojournalist or just a photographer? There is a slight difference. And as a side note, I have a feeling he is a “tortured artist” programmed with the most tragic back story.

“He'd won awards for his work and even spent some time covering the war in Iraq a few years ago.”

So he's probably a photojournalist, which means that he also writes the articles that goes with his photos.

Caroline describes the car he drives, a black Range Rover Discovery

“The kind people drove before the yuppies got a hold of them.”

Are you lightly mocking yuppies? Caroline, you are the definition of a yuppie.

Caroline becomes “more intrigued” about Simon because we all know they will end up together. A few days later, she noticed his car has moved.

Page break – Okay I need a picture for page breaks, if any of y'all have a suggestion I'm willing to take it.

“Each year, I took a week and vacationed somewhere totally alone.”

“Somewhere exciting, and I never went to the same place twice.”

“Going to Europe was becoming prohibitively expensive in this economy...”

Please, tell me more.

Again, I know this is a “me problem” but it seriously feels like bragging. You know what my vacation is? My two days off, and even then I call into work to see if I can pick up more hours. But you know what they say

Anyway...

Caroline catches glimpses of Simon, the usual dark hair/dark clothes stuff, but does not see or hear him.

“But no harem, and therefore no wallbanging.”

I know I keep nitpicking, but “harem”? I know people use this to mean “a collection of women that one guy sleeps with” but that's not accurate. It is the place in a household reserved for the women where men can't go. This includes daughters and servants. And if she meant harem like harem animes, the main characters aren't sleeping with all people interested in them. Haruhi only likes Tamaki. Keitaro only likes Haru (although I still don't know why). But really, what I think bothers me about the way she uses it, is that it is intended to be mean. It's framed like she is just being funny, but she's being very judgmental.

“However, we did sleep together most night. He played Duke Ellington and Glenn Miller on his side of the wall, and I lay in bed on my side, listening shamelessly.”

Given how clearly you can hear him through the wall, I'm not sure if the listening could be deemed either shameful or shameless. It's kinda inevitable.

But it is not long before she hears more than piano and trumpets. It's LF1 (Spanx) and the next morning Caroline watches through her peephole again.

“I marveled at his taste in women. She was the total opposite of what I'd seen of Purina, who looked like a model.”

This is supposed to make me swoon but instead it irritates me. This will be a long rant so if you want to skip to the gif of Hades from Hercules that's cool

1. The author has just robbed the Lady Friends of their agency. They went from being consenting adults with their own lives, dreams, and desires acting on personal motivations in order to partake in this relationship with Simon, to being a narrative prop designed to show how Simon isn't a judgmental asshat. It is meant to show the audience that Simon doesn't care about looks, he will have sex with average looking women too. How does this rob them of their agency? Because their diverse body types are only there to make Simon look good. “Spanx” could be any average woman, just like “Purina” could be any model. I was more comfortable with their characters until this one line.
2. I would not go so far as to say she is the “total opposite” of a woman with a supermodel figure. She is described as short, pleasantly plump with a sizable butt. So she is pretty much Meghan Trainor.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   And that's awesome. I love me some Meghan Trainor, but there is a vast chasm between Meghan Trainor and Tess Holliday

And she is a model. What I'm trying to say is that his tastes don't seem to be as varied as Clayton is trying to make it sound. The two we have seen are pretty white women. One happens to be tall and willowy, and the other short and slightly round.
2. I hate that this woman is obviously coded fat when she isn't fat. It sends the message that women with curves are fat. This happens a lot in romance novels. Leading romantic female characters are never actually fat or ugly, just think they are. They may not be the height of what is attractive, but they are always a little conventionally pretty.

END OF RANT

Naturally, next is Purina. Caroline tries to get Clive drunk on tuna and catnip but it only winds him up. When he hears her meowing, he starts attacking the wall and yowling back.

“...I was amazed they could maintain their control and focus with the racket going on.”

She decides it is Simon's “Wondercock”. The next morning is the same as the first but she glimpses his jawline

“He gave great jaw.”

Her day gets shitty from there on. It turns out the contractor for her client was getting high on the job.

“The whole third floor smelled like a Dead concert.”

The Grateful Dead? Or the band that some of the members formed after The Grateful Dead that was just called “The Dead” either way you are missing some words there.

Her special ordered Italian tiles came chipped and cracked, but it would take 2 weeks for the manufacture to reship them.

“Any time major construction takes place, the project end date is an estimated time of completion. However, I had never missed a deadline...”

This is the first truly relatable thing she has said. It sucks when a project is stalled and there is nothing you can do about it except pray the client isn't pissed. But any and all good will is lost a few sentences later when a random person whispers “hey” in her ear.

“...I froze in terror. Flashbacks poured over me, and I saw spots. I felt cold and hot at the same time, and the single most horrifying experience of my life passed through my mind.”

No, she wasn't raped and this isn't the guy who killed her parents (We haven't heard or seen them yet so I assume they are dead). This is the last guy she had sex with, the one that took her orgasm away.

I know this is supposed to be funny, but I won't even dignify it with the cue laugh track picture. PTSD is nothing to joke about. Sure, Moseley mocked anyone with mental health problems by making her characters unrealistic, but this is down right offensive. I will give Clayton credit, that was more well written than anything Moseley did in Boy Window, but the fact that it was used for humor will forever piss me off.

They talk. He is all

and rightfully, she is all

She goes home and is grouchy. She goes to put pjs on but realizes she hasn't done laundry in a while. She, of course, has no choice but to wear lingerie.

“I grumbled and fumed and finally pulled out a pink baby doll nightie.”

Which, of course, means she will be meeting Simon tonight. Well, I guess that's something to look forward to.

She puts on some INXS (because I guess she likes Australian rock as much as American big band) and proceeds to masturbate. It isn't graphic and I won't describe it, but, again, her tastes seem a bit too old for her to be just out of college. She fantasizes about Jordan Catalano from My So-Called Life, Jason Bourne, and George Clooney, all of which would have been popular when she was between the ages of 4 and 12. I'm not saying that she can't like these things. I totally had a crush on Trent from Daria, and that show ended when I was about 12, but I got over that and moved on to other fandoms. Am I to believe that she only masturbates to prominent actors from the 90s? What's next Scott Bakula?

Simon and “The Giggler” interrupt her fantasy beyond repair and she finally decides to say something to him.

“I stomped my front door, my heels pounding into the hardwood floor.”

Why is she wearing heels? She didn't mention putting them on for fetish purposes, was she always wearing them? Did she change into the nightie with her shoes on? Did she never take them off when she came home? Is this a thing?

She is so livid that she beats the door until Simon opens up. And we get a description of him.

“I gazed down his long, lean body. He was tan, but not a premeditated tan...”

I'm glad you pointed that out, it would have been tragic to think that this artsy sex god is not white.

In short, he is your standard tall, dark, handsome adventurer type. The chapter ends but not before we get this little bit of info

“He

Was

Still

Hard.”

I can only say this so many times but, of course he was. And really, why was this structured that way? Just for emphasis? Because Clayton thought that “He was still hard” would be too casual and it needed to be more lyrical, like a poem? Idk, but I'm annoyed with this chapter so I'm going to walk away before I get mean.

Wallbanger Chapter 3: The Third Night

 Last time in Wallbanger...we got a name for our MC (Caroline), we got her tragic pre-orgasmic backstory, and Simon did some more wallbanging but this time with a new lady friend.

Chapter 3

The chapter picks up right where the last left off. Caroline can't fall back asleep and decides to just get ready for work early. She talks to Clive a little and gives Lady Friend #2 a nickname, Purina (cause the cat noises), but as this is happening I got to thinking. Caroline can hear their night time antics pretty clearly and Clive was meowing so much that Caroline couldn't sleep, so wouldn't they have heard Clive?

Anyway...

Caroline hears LF2 leave so she goes to her peep hole again.

“He stood just inside his doorway – far enough inside that I couldn't see his face.”

When you look out a peephole you really can't see to the left or the right. You can a little, but you really only get the space right in front of your door. So, the only way Caroline could be seeing anything useful is if Simon was in the apartment across from her. But if that is the case then how do their bedrooms share a wall? I hope confusing architecture does not become a trend on this blog.

Anyway...

LF2 says 'Do svidaniya' and Caroline almost, but doesn't, see Simon. One thing that is curious though, if he is across the hall, how does she not see him when LF2 leaves? She narrates that he is too far in his apartment, but if that is the case why would she “strain” to see him through her peephole? It's confusing is all.

“...I pondered what in the world might be required to make a woman meow.”

Cat videos? But that sounds way less “exciting” than what probably went on.

Caroline talks about her boss, a woman named Jillian that she interned for in her last year at Berkley. Their firms design aesthetic is “modern”.

“She hired me after my internship was over, and she'd provided the best experience a young designer could ask for.”

When you say “young” how young do you mean? Cause, as I have said, I feel like her character is in her thirties. She talks like a woman in her thirties and she has the lifestyle of a woman in her thirties. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with women over 29, and I'm not saying that it is impossible for a woman in her mid-twenties to live on her own and have a career but in this day and age it's unlikely. As a person in their mid-twenties, I can attest to the difficulties in finding gainful employment. I work at a bookstore and I have coworkers with BA's, MA's, someone even interviewed who had a PhD. It takes a lot to live on your own and not drown in debt, unless Caroline is from a wealthy family, which given her condescension toward the movers and dislike of shabby chic is very possible. Either way it makes me think of this

She gets to work and it is in the Russian Hill area of San Fran. This is an actual place, and given how she only needed to take one short cable car ride to get there, it makes me rethink her whole rent situation. Originally, I guessed it would be somewhere in the 2,500 range, but if she lives that close to work, it is more like 3,000. I know I keep bringing up money, but this bugs me. In a historical fiction, I can suspend my disbelief about wealth because it's already pretty fantastical, but this is supposed to be realistic and I don't know that it is. This is someone's reality, I suppose, and I do like that she will not be financially indebted to her OLI (Obvious Love Interest), but everything feels like bragging. I can't relate to her as a character or emotively. I know this is a “me problem” but this is supposed to be my initial feels as I read a book, so

It says "Honesty"

Caroline gets to her office which she describes in loving detail. The short of it is, it's modern furniture with pop art accents and fresh flowers. Her boss comes in and we find out that Jillian is subletting the apartment to Caroline.

“The rent control made the price obscenely low.”

Okay, that explains part of her finances to me, but “obscenely low” for that area would still put it in the 2k range.

Caroline yawns and Jillian asks whats up. Caroline counters by asking when was the last time that she had slept there. It was over a year ago when Jillian's fiancee was out of town.

“Self-made millionaire, venture capitalist, and knockout gorgeous. My friends and I had a killer crush.”

She has a crush on her boss/friend's fiancee, anyone else think that is weird?

Jillian explains that someone new moved into the apartment within the last year or so, and that she does not know the person. They talk about Caroline hearing “sexy times”

“'Straight up sex is coming through those walls. And not sweet, boring sex either. We're talking...interesting.'”

If you think spanking requires a “...interesting” your sex life must not be very varied.

“I don't care how old you are, or what background you come from, there are two universal truths. We will always laugh at...gas if it happens at the wrong time, and we are always curious about what goes on in other people's bedrooms.”

Unless your asexual, or me. I generally don't care about what is or isn't going on in other people's bedrooms unless it directly effects me or my circle. As long as everyone is a consenting adult, I am disinterested. This is partly why most celebrity drama does nothing for me.

Their conversation pretty much goes like this

Jillian calls Simon impressive but Caroline says this

“'Come on, impressive? No. Manwhore? Yes.'”

And just like with Boy Window, I'm left wondering why my main characters insist on slut-shaming. How dare these people have and enjoy sex. Sex is supposed to be like dealing with internet trolls – pointless and frustrating.

Then we get a title drop before Jillian leaves to do actual work.

A page break happens and we are at the end of Caroline's big important meeting with her potential clients. They are blow away by her presentation. Jillian congratulates her.

“'Proud of you, kid.'”

Geb's laughing belly, she really is my age isn't she?

We get another page break and Caroline went out drinking with Sophia and Mimi. Drunk Caroline talks about how pretty they are and tries to smooch Sophia on the cheek.

“'You smell like tequila and sexual repression'”

A line that I will admit is kinda funny, although I'm not sure how “repressed” Caroline is.

Caroline flops on her bed and starts to undress.

“...my pants going the way of my blouse. Ask me why I kept my heels on, and I will never be able to tell you.”

I am curious though, considering you would have to take them off to get your pants off. Which means you took them off, took your pants off, then put them back on.

The BFF's tuck Caroline in but not before the tell-tale thump starts up and this time with another new lady.

“She was giggling. She was a dirty, dirty giggler.”

Apparently, Lady Friend #3 laughs during sex which must not be very encouraging for Simon. I just imagine he is all into it and thinking he is awesome then she starts to laugh while trying to talk dirty. Not only would it kill the mood but I can only imagine it coming off sounding sarcastic. Like

Anyway...

Same song different chorus, and the chapter ends with

“While the three of us recovered from the Giggler, Clive returned to play in the corner with a cotton ball.

Giggler, I think I hate you most of all...”

And that's chapter 3. 27 pages in and no real complaints, but no real praise either. This is actually my finish it or quit point when reading a novel. If it doesn't get me hooked by chapter 3 (out of either interest or hate) I will usually give up. And to be honest, I would put this book down, but since this is not just for my pleasure, but for yours as well gentle reader, I will bravely move forward.

Wallbanger Chapter 2: MissingNo

Last time in Wallbanger...Our nameless main character (who is possibly female) moved into a new apartment. They share a wall with a neighbor (Simon) who has loud sex. They also have a cat named Clive.

Chapter 2

Our NMC (nameless main character) “silently curse[s] last night's antic next door” while eating their breakfast. They mourn the lack of sexual activity on their end before preceding to converse with their “Missing O” which I still read as "MissingNo".

“'Still nothing, huh, O?'”

People mock cat ladies for treating their pets like people, and here we have a cat lady treating chemical ecstasy like a person.

“She felt real enough when she was rocking my world back in the day, but sadly, now that O had abandoned me, I wasn't sure I'd recognize her if she saw her.”

1. “...if she saw her.” Did Clayton spontaneously switch to third person and not notice?
2. Are we really having a deep spiritual conversation about NMC being pre-orgasmic? I know they have fond memories of orgasms, so using a word that refers to never having an orgasm is a bit of a misnomer, but close enough.
3. Is this supposed to be charming and/or funny? Almost all the positive reviews for this book talk about how hilarious it is, so I am kinda expecting a chuckle fest. Although, the last time someone said that they were talking about the movie Bridesmaids, which I did not care for.

She (she referred to herself as a girl off-handedly) stops her conversation with herself and we get some direct and indirect description.

“...I pushed my light blond hair back into a sloppy ponytail and surveyed the chaos that surrounded me. No matter how well I labeled those boxes, no matter how often I told that idiot moving guy that if it said KITCHEN it did not belong in the BATHROOM, it still was a mess.”

The direct description is obvious so I will skip that. Our NMC is meticulous because she labeled her boxes. She is wealthy or at least well off enough to not have a roommate in one of the most expensive cities in the US and is able to afford to pay people to move her stuff. In chapter 1, we found out she is an interior designer, the Occupation Outlook Handbook says that the average interior designer in 2012 earned $47,900. Good money until you think about her rent. After a quick search a 1 bedroom/1 bath that allows cats costs between 1,500 – 3,500 per month. If we take the median from that (2,500) and assume she has 18% taken out for taxes, she would make about 3,273 a month. Which leaves about 773 for utilities, gas, food, pet stuff and her luxurious thread count, not to mention her probable student debt. I know what you are thinking,

Hex, why does this matter? Because now we know what social circles our NMC walks in and how old she is. She is probably making more than the average designer or else she would not be able to afford her lifestyle and that means she has to be well established in the firm she works for, and her clientele must be people of means. Depending on how old she is or if she comes from money herself, she may not have student debt. In short, she is probably in her mid-thirties from a middle class upbringing.

Anyway...

“...I'd only spoken three times since waking up this morning, and every word uttered had been directed at a pussy. Ahem...”

I feel like I'm going to be using this a lot so, any time I know there is a joke but I did not laugh I will put up that picture. And, by the way, the last ellipse was not added.

NMC hears a conversation in the hall. Naturally, she only shares this floor with one other person because it is Simon. NMC goes to her door to look out the peephole. The woman (who NMC names “Spanx”) is too short for her to see and Simon is conveniently out of view.

“I hadn't heard any 'I love yous' when she left, but they did seem very comfortable. I chewed absently on my ponytail. They'd have to be, what with the spanking and all.”

I would hope that any persons having any sexual relations are comfortable with each other, but I guess that's just me. But this does give us a clue about Simon. He and the lady seem to have a casual relationship which is good if he is our OLI (obvious love interest). I hate when author's have our MC break-up a relationship.

An hour later (in-universe) and NMC's two besties come over. They are Sophia and Mimi. They are introduced by arguing in the hall. One of them almost dropped something, the other scolded them and NMC quelled the argument by calling them pretty. This may be my feminist sensibilities, but I disapprove of this method. It's intended as a joke, but I never cared for the “pat the silly female on the head and tell her she's pretty” as a way of shutting a woman up. It always feels condescending and usually has nothing to do with the argument at hand.

The thing one of them almost dropped was a big box which they carried up the stairs to the surprise of our NMC

“My girls did not do manual labor when they could get someone else to do it.”

Yep, solidly middle class or higher.

What's in the box you ask?

“...a shiny, new, stainless steel KitchenAid stand mixer...”

So this is what she got

And this is me

That is a $400 piece of baking equipment. I am hardcore wearing my jealous pants.

Anyway...

They make a vibrator joke and NMC is no longer nameless. Her name is Caroline, and her friend Mimi really wants to organize Caroline's new apartment.

“Mimi was a professional organizer.”

I did not know that was a job, and after looking through the Occupation Outlook Handbook, I'm not sure it is. But Mimi is so good at her fake job that she has even been on HGTV for it a few times. They do move in things before a page break.

After the page break, Caroline is watching The Barefoot Contessa

This version

not this one

when she hears people in the hall again. She thinks that Simon and “Spanx” are back but it is a new woman.

“Two different women in as many days. Manwhore.”

Slut-shaming, regardless of gender, is not cool. As long as he is not raping, lying, or misleading these women, he is free to schtupp whoever he wants with any frequency.

Fast-forward a little, we get some insight into Caroline's life as she looks at photos in her room. We find out her friend Sophia likes anything phallic and plays the cello in the San Francisco Orchestra.

“...even though she'd been around musical instruments all her life, she could never pass up a joke when she saw a flute.”

As a former flutist

We find out that all three of them are unattached. I have a feeling this is going to be like Sex and the City (which I actually like) where they all find love in a surprisingly un-diverse metropolitan city.

“I thought back with a shudder to the night when O and I had parted ways. I'd had a series of bad first dates and was so sexually frustrated that I allowed myself to go back to the apartment of a guy I had no intention of ever seeing again.”

This makes her manwhore comment more confusing. So she has no problem with one night stands unless some random dude is having them? Neither is bad, or wrong, or problematic, but I don't get why she thinks Simon is a whore.

She details how bad the sex was. I will spare you the details but it ends with

“My poor hoohah felt like it had been sandblasted.”

Yeah... this was an episode of Sex and the City.

Anyway...

She talks about how she tried to get herself off and all I can think about is how she was fantasizing about George Clooney's ER character. This supports my idea that she is around 35. I mean she could theoretically be as young as 23, but if this takes place the year it was released (2013) then she would have been in her first year of college when the show ended. I guess that wouldn't be impossible, but I don't know many people my age into ER. House or Grey's Anatomy, sure, but not ER.

Caroline goes to bed but another page break later, she wakes up to wallbanging. But this time she doesn't hear spanking, she hears cat noises. Naturally, she looks to Clive for answers but, alas, it is her neighbor's night time visitor. Apparently, this woman is so good at making cat noises that it convinces Clive that there is a female cat in heat next door. So, Caroline's neutered tomcat starts to claw the wall to try and get to get to the other cat.

It goes on for a few paragraphs until the woman starts yelling

“'Da!'”

Because of course she is Russian. How much do you want to bet her name is either Natasha or Nadia? It's always one of those two.

“Then all was blessedly silent. Except for Clive. He continued to pine for his lost love until four mother-loving a.m.

The cold war was back on...”

And that's chapter 2. For all my rambling, it was serviceable. I can see why this would appeal to someone, it just doesn't have my full attention yet.

Wallbanger Cover/Chapter 1: Thump Thump Thump

Welcome back to Story Time with Hex! For our next Let's Read, I'm going to go chapter by chapter with Alice Clayton's Wallbanger. Without further ado, let's begin.

The Cover

This cover opts for simplicity over subtlety. We have a woman with her arms and legs around a man in a suggestive pose. The color palette is muted in black and white with pink accents. It's effective, has no pretense, and over all not bad. When you look at this book, you know what you are getting yourself into.

Chapter 1

“'Oh, God.'

Thump.

'Oh, God.'

Thump thump.”

“I scrambled up out of sleep, confused as I looked around the strange room. Boxes on the floor. Pictures propped against the wall.”

Not bad exposition. We know that it's not our main character who is getting some and we know he/she/they are just moving into their home.

“My new bedroom, in my new apartment, I reminded myself...”

I'm not sure why you felt the need to remind yourself other than to make sure the audience knows that you are not moving out. Seriously, who wakes up from sound sleep to sex noises and thinks “this is my new apartment” and not “what the fuck-ity fuck fuck? Who the hell is fucking while I'm trying to sleep?”

“...placing both hands on the duvet, grounding myself with the luxurious thread count. Even half asleep, I was aware of my thread count.”

Which tells us a lot about our protagonist. They are a person of means who likes materialistic things. This does not mean they are materialist necessarily. They could simply be Elle Woods.

Don't we all wish we were this fabulous

There are more sexy time noises and our main character realizes they came from their next door neighbor. Our main character (I keep saying that because we have yet to get a name or gender) thinks about how much they want to decorate their new apartment because they are an interior designer. We get some more details about how their life is wonderful and worry free because they have a huge apartment that they can afford alone and that apartment has a giant claw-foot tub. Again, I'm having a hard time believing that they can focus on their luxurious life style when you can hear orgasms through the wall at (as we find out) 2:37am.

“'Oh, Simon, that's so good! Mmm...'”

I guess we get a name for our love interest. Okay, I'm assuming that he is the love interest because the title of the book is “Wallbanger” and he is banging the wall. Honestly though, I thought his name would be Harvey because this series is called “The Cocktail Series” (each book has a suggestive name derived from a cocktail) and this cocktail is called a Harvey Wallbanger. I guess the author didn't care for the name or she didn't want people thinking of Harvey from Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Anyway...

“Blinking, I felt more awake now and a little fascinated by what was clearly going on next door.”

Our main character is way more forgiving than I would be if I was woken up this way after a long day of moving.

“I looked at Clive, he looked at me...”

Clive is our main character's cat

“...and if I wasn't so tired I'd have been pretty sure he winked. I guess someone should be getting some.”

Man our main character has nerves of steel. I would have thought that our MC would wake up like this

not like this

especially at 2:37 am after a long and tiring day. Although, I suspect that this benevolence is just to lead into exposition.

“I'd been in a bit of a dry spell for a while. A very long while. Bad, rapid-fire sex and a ill-timed one-night stand had robbed me of my orgasm. She'd been on vacation for six months now. Six long months.”

So either our MC is female or they have personified their orgasm as such. I know it seems silly to assume gender neutrality in a romance novel, but when I read I like to make as few assumptions as possible. I will try to guess where things are going, or character motivations, but that's about it.

“The beginnings of carpal tunnel were threatening to set in as I tried desperately to get myself off.”

But I do like that she is a sexually liberated female. It's strange to say considering the audience that most romance novels are marketed to, but female masturbation is not often shown. This is actually only the second author I have seen this from, but I can count about six off the top of my head that had male masturbation.

“I pushed the thoughts of my missing O away...”

I know this is a “me problem” but when I first read that line all I could think about was this

10 points to whoever gets it

Anyway...

The noises next door calm down enough for our nameless MC to start to drift back to sleep but

“Then all hell broke loose.”

A painting she had on a shelf above her bed falls and hits her

“That'll teach me to live in San Francisco and not make sure everything is securely mounted. Speaking of mounted...”

of course I mean this sarcastically

But I will Clayton credit. This is only chapter one and I already know more about our nameless MC than I ever did about Amber and Liam from Boy Window.

MC speculates about a cats ability to blush, when loud chanting rhythmically concludes

“Then I heard, for the love of all that's holy, spanking.”

I don't know why this is italicized. Is it because the poor woman on the other side sounds spent and spanking (giving or receiving) will take up energy that she does not have? Is it because our MC is sexually liberated enough to narrate her masturbation woes but not open-minded enough for slightly varied sex?

Simon seems to be done with his nighttime exercise and our nameless MC moves her bed away from the wall before going back to sleep.

“I fell asleep that night after swearing I would bang back if I heard one more peep. Or groan. Or spank.”

I find this strange because she seemed fine with the loud obnoxious sex until she heard spanking and now she is scandalized and annoyed. She went from weirdly fascinated to old man yelling at clouds over spanking. Odd.

Well that is it for the cover and chapter one. We got a lot out of it even though it didn't last very long. (Insert obvious sex joke here)

Boy Window Chapter 24/Epilogue: After 10,000 Years I'm Free

Last time in Boy Window...Amber decided that there is no way that anyone would believe that Liam beat up DBD because he hit his underage daughter so hard she miscarried, so she decided to take matters into her own hands and went to DBD's house.

Chapter 24

It's here! It's finally here. The last chapter. All I have to do is survive ten pages and an epilogue. How hard can that be?

She knocks on the door. DBD answers. His face is a Backstreet Boys album, which is to say Black and Blue. DBD makes polite conversation, but Amber is having none of it. Their conversation goes like this

Amber: Admit it, you are evil.

DBD: I proudly admit I am evil because of course there is no way that you are recording this or presently in communication with the police! BWAHAHAHAHA *twirls mustache*

Before we move on, I will highlight this one sentence because it is just too much

“'Discipline? One time you punched Jake so hard in the stomach that he couldn't eat for two days. You broke his arm, and ribs.'”

This proves that there is no way no one didn't notice the abuse. If he is beating them so severely that Jake couldn't eat for two days, someone has to notice. They are middle class white folk, someone has to notice.

Amber is all

And tells him that she'll go to the police if he doesn't

DBD is all

because Amber got preggers at 16 and he is “a respected professional”. DBD doesn't seem to realize that Amber is 1 of 6 people he has abused and no matter how well respected he is, there will also be a mountain of medical records from all those times he beat Jake so hard he couldn't eat. Or hell, remember yesterday when an ambulance came to the house and how Amber probably has bruises? She is a minor and they would have to report something like that. Actually, what are the laws about guardianship and medical procedures in the UK cause she is 16 and had major surgery the day before without a parent or guardian present.

“'...besides, you have no proof. This happened so long ago that it's just your word against mine.'”

Yeah, Amber, it's his words against yours, Jake's, Liam's, your mom's, Ruby, and Johnny's. It's not like you have medical records and physical evidence to prove you were hit. I mean, what case do you have when you have both direct and circumstantial evidence?

For real though, DBD says he can hire a lawyer to tear their case to shreds but with the amount of direct evidence they have, the lawyer's only option would be to prove that all of the people involved are not credible witnesses. However, it would be hard to prove that 6 separate individuals with consistent testimony are all not credible or lying for some reason.

But this is Boy Window so, naturally, what gets the job done is both contrived and clichéd.

“'Clever things phones nowadays, they have all sort of gadgets in them – cameras, music players, calculators... voice recorders'”

Yep, she did record the whole conversation and DBD breaks it but that's okay because she already sent it to five people. She then blackmails him. Either he drops the charges against Liam or she takes his confession to the police.

This bothers me for a couple of reasons.

1. Our villain does not actually get what is coming to him.
2. He gets away and is given the opportunity to abuse and rape again.
3. This is an unsatisfying ending to an unsatisfying story.
4. There are still 7 pages left to this chapter.

Jake shows up. DBD calls the cops and drops the charges. Jake and Amber leave. Jake yells at Amber.

“'I am proud of your idea, Ambs, but that was freaking idiotic.'”

There is nothing to be proud of. She made a stupid choice that happened to pan out.

They get home and everyone is confused by the message and asking if she went to see DBD. How else would she get the confession otherwise? Amber naps and wakes up to Liam scolding her for her reckless behavior. They have a conversation where they decide that Amber will go with Liam to Boston so they don't have to be separated. A few things about this

1. They will have to live off-campus because Amber is not a student, meaning both of them will have to get jobs and pay for rent.
2. Amber is still a minor, and if the labor laws in the UK are anything like the US, she will not be able to work enough to make any real money
3. Liam will be there under a scholarship meaning that he will have to get passing grades and go to practice and play in games all while working a job to pay for their rent, food, and utilities.

Luckily for them, this is fiction so naturally they don't have to worry about those pesky real life issues that make this a terrible idea. No, all Amber can think about it

“I needed a fresh start. So much had happened here that I just needed to go and start over. I needed to forget everything and look to the future – my future with Liam.”

Well, that is the end of Chapter 24, but worry not gentle reader! For I will also cover the epilogue now too.

Epilogue

“~5 Years Later~

~Liam~”

Liam is in a rush to get somewhere. He runs into fans because I guess the tried and true “I'm gunna make it big” life plan worked out for him because of course it did.

“Sure I play for one of the best ice hockey teams in America...”

I was going to make a comment about Americans not caring about hockey, but I know some ladies who would probably stab me if I said any such thing in earnest.

“A lot had happened in the last five years.”

Yes but it's still a great show

“Stephen Walker, Jake and Amber's father...”

If you think that we don't know who the antagonist was at this point, something is wrong.

“...got arrested about a year after we left...”

“...he'd apparently been scamming money from his clients...”

“...he was currently serving six years for fraud and embezzlement.”

There isn't a gif to explain how pissed I am. He got 6 years in a minimum security prison for a white collar crime. That's it. I'm done. The rest of the epilogue is Amber graduating college and Liam buying her a dance studio and proposing. It switches to Amber's POV for a while but I'm really done. I don't care anymore. It's over. It ended with the prescribed “happily ever after” and all I can think about is how little any of this made any sense.

Even after reading this, I can't tell you what this book is about. Shit happens but the characters never grow and even the villain doesn't learn a lesson. This isn't even a slice-of-life because it was so unrealistic. It's not even unrealistic in a believable way. I will buy that in Skip Beat, that the “fairy” Kuon that Kyoko met as a child is actually her coworker Ren even though they don't see each other for ten years and when they do meet again it's in another city, but I will not buy that ANY of Boy Window's bs would happen in real life.

Overall score: I'm giving it a generous 1 out of 6, but on the bright side its over.

 

Now to conquer Alice Clayton's Wallbanger!

Boy Window Chapter 23: I'm Almost There

Last time in Boy Window...DBD showed up. He hit Amber so hard she miscarried. Liam beat him like an egg and got arrested for it, even though it was the only action thus far that has made any sense.

Chapter 23

“~Amber~”

Can we be done with the alternating POV's now? Its not annoying anymore, it's just tiring.

Amber is wigging out because Liam is getting arrested. She gets up to protest but Liam tells her not to.

“Jeez, the silly boy is being arrested, yet he's still worried about me?”

Is it just me or is the phrase “Jeez, the silly boy” a bit too casual for what is going on. I would get it if she was feel addled by pain meds, but she hasn't mentioned feeling foggy and her narration is fairly clear-minded.

Amber says it wasn't his fault.

“'There's been a serious complaint, Ma'am. We need to investigate'”

And when they ask Liam why he was pummeling DBD he will say “he hit his daughter, my girlfriend and a minor, she started to bleed and I wanted to defend her.” Hell, wanna add a cherry on top of that “DBD is fucked sunday”? Tell them why he was there and what he has done to both families.

“'Can I kiss my girlfriend goodbye? She's just had a miscarriage'”

And instead of the cop going “Wait. You're girlfriend, Amber Walker, miscarried yesterday and the guy who is accusing you of GBH is named Stephen Walker and was assaulted yesterday?” he just lets Liam smooch Amber. And you can't say the cop doesn't know Amber's name because they are in her hospital room and the incident that they are investigating took place at Amber's house were an ambulance was sent.

Instead, Amber cries and clings to Liam saying that it's all her fault but does not say anything that would actually help like “my dad beat me and Liam was protecting me”. Hell, if they “investigate” like they say they have to, they will need witness testimony and three of the four people present will attest that DBD hit Amber first. Hell, it is the only sequence of events that make any sense because Amber probably has a bruise proving that someone hit her, and if Liam was wailing on DBD, then her injury had to be either done by Jake or by the dad before Liam started his attack.

“My mind was whirling, trying to come up with a solution or plan.”

Besides hiring a lawyer/solicitor, gathering the testimony of half a dozen people to do what I have been saying this whole goddamn time?

“I could press charges as well, then they would see that my father hit me first, and then Liam would get let off because he was defending me. But they wouldn't let him off for that, would they? Defending me was one thing, but he went crazy, they'd never believe that what he did was self-defence.”

Temporary insanity plea? Extreme emotional distress? You are telling me that the only logical answer is the wrong one because there is a chance they wont believe him. What would the alternative be? DBD's new family came over for a slumber party, DBD got wasted and Liam started punching him for no reason?

“Even if I pressed charges against my father, Liam's charges would still stand. Self-defense or not, he was still going to be charged with GBH because he did do it, even though it was provoked.”

…is self-defense not a viable defense in the UK? Or does this not take place in the UK does this take place in some alternate dimension where the legal system runs on a infinite improbability drive?

“What if he got sent to jail for this, and I lost him?”

This is a reasonable concern, my understanding is that the maximum sentence for grievous bodily harm is 25 years, but if self-defense is not a legal defense in this world, then what can you do? Now that I think about it, why isn't it a defense? If someone commits justifiable homicide then do they still go to jail? This is confusing. More confusing is that I'm only 1 page into this chapter.

Amber decides the only way to free Liam is to get DBD to drop the charges. She calls Jake, explains the situation, and he heads over to the hospital. She then calls DBD. Their conversation can be summed up like this

Amber: Drop the charges

DBD: Come to my house, alone, and we can talk about it *twirls mustache*

Repeat a few times

Amber: Okay.

Jake comes over. Amber tells him to go to the police station to see what can be done, then becomes that asshole customer that makes your day shit by discharging herself early and giving attitude to the nurse. Moseley then takes the time to have a semi real conversation were Amber signs a waiver saying she is leaving against the advice of her doctor. Considering how much sense isn't made throughout this novel, I can't imagine why this attempt at reason is here, other than to confuse and confound me.

The chapter ends with Amber going to DBD and sending a text to Jake saying

“'I'm at Dad's. Please come and get me, right now. DON'T CALL ME BACK. Amber x'”

And when Jake walks in on DBD attacking you he will kill him and go to jail for life because, as we have established this chapter, if someone commits a crime it doesn't matter why they did it, only that they did.