Crystal Gardens Cover and Chapter 1: The Dark Wizard Lucas

Welcome back gentle reader! Every time I do a different book I want to try to read a different sub-genre of romance. Since I have now covered YA, contemporary, and am currently (albeit sporadically ) covering erotica, I thought I would do a historical romance. Which is why I went with Amanda Quick's Crystal Gardens (it was requested of me). Without further ado, let's begin.

Cover

 

Starting from left to right, we have a giant rose fading into a lake side gazebo. The strong colors are good, but the imagery is a little obvious and vague at the same time. We get it. This is a book that takes place in or at a garden. The picture does add some interest with the drop of blood coming off the rose like dew, but what is that supposed to symbolically mean? Lost innocence? A murder most foul? Is the building in the background not a gazebo but a mausoleum? The more I look at it the more interesting it gets, but if I saw this in a store, I probably would have just walked by without picking it up.

Chapter 1

“The muffled thud of the shattered lock echoed like a thunderclap in the deep silence that drenched the cottage.”

Oooo, nice imagery and it sets a nice over the top tone for the book. Please, Ms Quick, do go on.

“Evangeline Ames recognized the sound at once. She was no longer alone in the house.”

1. What is with that name? All I'm thinking of is Princess and the Frog and a singing Cajun firefly.
2. How did she instantly recognize the muffled thud of someone breaking into her house. Does this happen often? Why hasn't she moved if this is the case?
3. Why is she alone? If this is the 1800's, she should be living with family, an employer, or servants. Very few women were doing it for themselves.

Evangeline goes still and considers the possibility that it's all in her head, but decides that it is unlikely because the place looks like it has nothing to offer in the way of cash or pawnable items.

“Her nerves had been on edge all afternoon, her intuition flickering and flaring for no obvious reason.”

Does her intuition always flicker and flare? That seems like it would be uncomfortable.

The narrator continues to describe Evangeline's feeling of being watched

“She had reminded herself that she was still recovering from the terrifying attack two weeks ago.”

I really hope she wasn't raped. For the obvious reasons of course, but also because that seems to be one of the only ways writers know how to hurt a woman or build sympathy for a character.

“She had very nearly been murdered.”

Well. Um...at least she wasn't murdered?

We find out that besides the almost murdered bit, she is a writer under a deadline and the scene she is trying to work out is not happening. I feel you, sister girl. I feel you.

“Her psychical intuition had been trying to send her a warning for hours.”

Her psychical intuition...So this is a history fantasy romance? Want to add a little science fiction in there for shits and giggles?

The intruder approaches her bedroom and the attempt on her life made her, reasonably, paranoid about needing a sudden exit. Evangeline climbs through the window and makes a break for the titular Crystal Gardens, an old country house next to her little rented cottage.

“'Where do you think you're going, you bloody stupid woman?' the harsh male voice roared from the doorway. It was freighted with the accents of London's tough streets.”

So we know we are not in London. Okay, she could be literally anywhere else, but my gut says somewhere in England. I've read some Amanda Quick before and I don't think she ever has the main setting not in the UK.

“'No one slips away from Sharpy Hobson's blade.'”

Are you for real? Sharpy Hobson? Was Pointy McStab-Stab taken?

“There was no time to wonder how a London street criminal had found his way to Little Dixby or why he was after her.”

1. I'm pretty sure that he took a train or something. I guess he could have walked, but the way the narrator is talking makes me think there is enough distance between London and Little Dixby to have an accent difference.
2. Little Dixby? That sounds like Made-Ups-Ville to me.

Evangeline makes a break for it through her own garden to get to Crystal Gardens.

“Many of the fronds were taller than she was.”

Then either she is of a height with Frodo or this is Rappaccini's garden.

We find out that she came to this middle of nowhere country side town to get a little R&R after the attempt on her life. Pointy McStab-Stab yells curses and threats for making him put effort into this murder. She runs, he chases.

“'Ye'll soon get a taste of Sharpy's blade.'”

More running. More chasing. Very exciting business.

“Her sense of curiosity was linked in some ways to her psychical talent and the mystery of Crystal Gardens had fascinated her from the start.”

So she is only ever interested in things that her psychic intuition says is important? That feels like an excuse to not like something. Could you imagine a kid trying to pull that? No, mom, I can't eat broccoli. I'm not interested in it therefore my psychic intuition says that it is not good for me.

“She had seen enough of the strange gardens by day to know that there was something bizarre about the energy inside the walls and that the vegetation was not normal.”

Well, duh, it's all poisonous. Haven't you read Nathaniel Hawthorne?

“In the very center of the gardens, where the ruins of an ancient Roman bath were said to be located...”

Oh, so the gazebo was actually ancient Roman ruins. Considering that the Roman Empire fell around 476 C.E. And that this is probably taking place in or around the 1800's, those Roman ruins look like they are in amazing condition. If this were real, there would be a bevy of important historical stuffs in there.

We get a description of the two sections of Crystal Gardens There is an inner garden called the Night Garden surrounded by an outer garden called the Day Garden. My assumption is that the day = good and night = evil. Naturally, she goes towards the Night Garden.

“She hurried but she did not run. She wanted Hobson to see her.”

She's going to let the garden murder Pointy McStab-Stab, isn't she?

“Her senses told her that if he tumbled into the gleaming black pool he would quickly lose interest in her. There was something nightmarish about those waters.”

1. The cover art did not make it look nightmarish at all.
2. She is so going to use the garden to murder this guy. I would feel bad about her feeding him to Audrey 2 if he wasn't trying to kill her.

“She was so focused on her plan to lure Hobson to the pond that she was unaware of the presence of the man in the long black coat until he walked out of the shadows and into the moonlight.”

Two bits says that he's the Obvious Love Interest.

“She recognized him immediately. Indeed, she thought, she would know him anywhere. Lucas Sebastian, the mysterious new owner of Crystal Gardens.”

Yep, totally the OLI. I win!

They have met once before. She quickly and very politely understates that she has a problem. And Lucas calmly says

“'I can see that'”

and he, a paragraph later, is

“regard[ing] him (Pointy McStab-Stab) with what could only be described as detached curiosity.”

Because “real men” never get flustered even when a crazy hobo is brandishing a knife.

Lucas says that Crystal Gardens is haunted. Pointy says he doesn't care. He just wants to shank and run. Lucas asks why.

“Evangeline was floored by Lucas's matter-of-fact tone. I was as if he was only casually interested in Hobson's reasoning.”

Be still my heart. A man who coming to the rescue of a lady out of mild curiosity. Someone catch me while I swoon!

Actually, it isn't out of mild curiosity. He is saving her because she rents from him and is therefore under his protection. I don't quite follow the logic. I have rented many an apartment and none of my landlords would stand in the way if Pointy McStab-Stab came a-knocking. But maybe this is an olde timey thing.

We find out that Pointy was hired but he won't say by who. Pointy tries to stick Lucas with the pointy end but alas, Lucas is a dark mage and repels him with an evil aura. I know it's hard to tell because I've been very sarcastic (well, all my life) but I'm not making this shit up.

“Energy, dark and terrifying, flashed in the atmosphere. Evangeline had just time(sic) enough time to realize that Lucas was somehow generating it and then Hobson was shrieking with raw, mindless panic.”

So, yeah. This is a solid fantasy story. Who would have thunk it.

Hobson runs into the garden. Lucas sends a minion after him. A human one, not a demon but I'm not ruling that out as a possibility yet. And the human minion (Stone) is given an ominous warning to not follow Pointy if he gets into the maze.

“A high-pitched, keening scream echoed from somewhere deep in the gardens. The unearthly cry iced Evangeline's nerves.”

Okay, maybe this Stone fellow is a demon.

“'Evidently Stone did not get to him in time to prevent him from entering the maze'”

Or rather, the demons are kept in the maze.

Evangeline is broke up over hearing a man's death cry but Lucas is nonchalant calling it unfortunate because he would have liked to question the man. I know it will be hard with Mr. Charming, but try to keep your pants on peeps.

Lucas orders Evangeline into his house where he will get her a glass of brandy and they can figure out what is going on. Instead of being annoyed at his presumption, she gets all tingly when he gives her his jacket and

“...his fingers brushed the nape of her neck...”

I guess nothing gets this gal off like watching a dude magically attack another dude who then runs into the night screaming to his death. Romantic.

He touches her and she sees his aura.

“The fierce bands of ice-and-fire energy took her breath.”

Is he the avatar?

Lucas assures Evangeline that he means her no harm and Evangeline believes him because his aura says so.

So, that was chapter 1. Not bad, very dramatic, and a little silly, but I must admit that I forgive the silly a bit more with historical dramas because it feels a little more removed from reality than contemporary books. This is not to say I will be using kid gloves. Not at all. Just embracing the dark mage for the avatar that he is.

Wallbanger Chapter 22: The Much Too Long Kiss Goodbye

Last time in Wallbanger...in chapter 20 Caroline was over dramatic and came home to San Francisco to angrily bake, in chapter 21 Simon comes home early, they say the “I love you's” and go at it like it's Witchcraft VIII.

Chapter 22

It's the last chapter gentle reader! I may need a hankie.

“4:37 p.m., that same day”

I'm not sure why we need a time stamp but at least it makes more sense than when Frank Miller does it.

Simon and Caroline are in the shower, and now they are having getting clean sex since all of last chapter was getting dirty sex. It's not bad, but I'm wondering why it's here. This is the last chapter, is it just going to be 20 pages of porn?

“6:41 p.m.”

...Okay, getting a little more “Miller” Clayton.

Caroline continues to use “hoohah” and “Hi-There” instead of actual words and I am reminded of a joke that Patton Oswalt made in one of his specials. The gist is that “clean” filth is way more creepy and gross than just being vulgar. After so many Caroline euphemisms I got to agree.

Simon and Caroline talk about his penis as if it were it's own person. They have more sex and the phrase “sexual Lego” is used, and no I think it reads better without context.

“8:17 p.m.”

How has this only been 4 pages? This is the longest 4 pages of the book.

They have more sex, but this time try to have a full conversation while going at it just to see if they can. They talk about baking because that seems the best way to get Simon off, and interior design for Caroline. Are they going to bone over taxes next?

“9:32 p.m.”

Now every time I see the time stamp I think of the Law & Order *dun dun* sound and read the passage with a crime drama-esque voice. It's the little things that keep this interesting.

They are bathing again and Caroline is trying to get a rise out of Simon.

Simon: I'm not seventeen, you know.

Caroline: Thank goodness, or I would have to answer for my actions – corrupting a minor and all that.

If by “corruption” you mean statutory rape, then yes. You would indeed have to answer for that.

They have more sex. Are you surprised?

“11:09 p.m.”

I'm going to guess more sex happens, but don't quote me on that.

“'I'm just going to get the food. I need sustenance, woman.'”

No shit, you guys have been going at it all day. I'm surprised that Simon isn't shooting blood at this point. And what about Caroline? She hasn't slept since Spain for all we know? How is she not delirious at this point?

Simon tries to crawl to the door (because he can't walk for all the sex) to get the Thai food they ordered and Caroline tries to distract him by masturbating. It works and the Thai delivery boy gets a $30 tip for not opening the door and walking away. Delivery boy gets the better deal.

“1:14 a.m.”

Time is meaningless now. I can see the end, but it never comes. First, I must slog through pages and pages of orgasms and innuendos. But, wait! Is that non-sexual dialogue I spy? It is! And it's about how their relationship will work around their jobs. I want to savor this but it's really short and all they say is that they are comfortable with Simon traveling all the time.

All dialogue about how happy they are that Simon came home early.

“Text between Simon and Caroline the following Tuesday”

I was a fool for thinking I was through with this stuff.

Plans for a group dinner are discussed and sex jokes are a plenty.

“Text between Mimi and Caroline on Thursday”

They talk about Caroline's hesitation to have sex in the bed that Simon banged so many others in.

Then we get some regular narration, wherein Simon is becoming a crazy cat lady.

“I would never need the Honey and the Baby.”

Does she mean she will never need him to call her by pet names or nicknames? Or is she saying that she will never need him to pick up honey and they will never need to make a baby? Cause on the one hand, I'm not sure what Clayton has against nicknames and on the other hand I understand if she never needs honey or babies.

We then find out that the entire plot and premise was orchestrated by Caroline's boss and Simon's friend. They are like the gods of old, playing with the lives of mere mortals out of boredom and self-importance.

The pair are doing dishes but are interrupted by lust. Simon picks Caroline up and carries her to her bed where they find no sheets. It's laundry day and Caroline forgot to put the sheets in the dryer.

“'Problem solved. Slumber party at Simon's.'”

That's why we needed that text between Caroline and Mimi, to establish a conflict.

“He ruffled through piles of lace and peekaboo.”

Should I just accept that Caroline will always talk like a kindergartner about sexy things? Also, why is it in fiction that women only own cute and sexy under garments? Does no one own an 8 pack of cotton underroos from Walmart?

Caroline is fixing herself up in Simon's bathroom and wondering how many other women have done this very thing. But then he plays Glenn Miller at her and she swoons, she sighs, and she bangs. Wallbangs in fact.

Post-coitus Simon goes over to Caroline's apartment to retrieve Clive (his new best friend) then we get what sounds like the ending but there is 2 more pages left so I don't know.

“And then, as the laughter faded and sleep took hold, I pondered what the future might hold for me and my Wallbanger.

I knew it wouldn't always be this easy. But it sure as hell would be a good time.”

Then we get a pagebreak but this one is shaped like a cat stretching. I'm a little scared you guys.

“All was quiet as I set out on patrol, making sure the perimeter was secure.”

This is all in italics for some reason. The next page and a half are all in italics for some reason.

“I padded through my new territory, taking notice of any loose Q-Tips.”

What did I do to deserve this? Why do we have an impromptu POV shift in the last moments of a romance novel to the cat? I can't explain with words why this is so insane. The cat lays down to dream about Nadia. The cat is having an inter-species erotic dream, after we spent the last 20 pages reading about non-stop sex. How can I top that nonsense?

Overall, I have to say that that because of all the really good character moments in the later half of the book, especially in chapters 20 and 21, that my opinion has greatly improved. At first, I thought the book was trying too hard to be Sex and the City. Then in the middle, I was bored and annoyed. But once the main characters started acting like real people, the story became fun. This didn't have as much wasted potential as Boy Window, but the overall quality was much higher to begin with. I'm going to give it a 3 out of 6, since I didn't start actually liking it until about half-way through and because I still can't bring myself to forgive it for an unlikable main character and bad jokes.

Next time, I will be time traveling back to when men wore waistcoats and cravats and women wore stays. It's Amanda Quick's Crystal Gardens.

Wallbanger Chapters 20 & 21: A Couple of Firsts

Last time in Wallbanger...in chapter 18 there was lots of fancy food and make outs. In chapter 19, there was lots of sex but Caroline still had to fake an orgasm.

Chapter 20

Caroline is being melodramatic over faking it with Simon, but it is self-aware melodrama so I'm giving her a little leeway. Caroline and the audience feel her building a distance between her and Simon. It's only three pages before a pagebreak, but they are three really good pages. There is no banter, there are no cheesy jokes, it's just really quiet character moments. We feel how important last night was to Caroline and even though her disappointment seems a little over the top just for an orgasm, we get the sense that it's not just the orgasm that's the problem. We feel Simon sensing that something has changed between them and that Caroline is going through something and we can almost taste the futility and desperation in his asking if he can call her. If the whole book was like this, I wouldn't spend half of these Let's Reads bitching.

“Even without the stupid, blessed O, I wanted to be with Simon.”

I think that is the most mature thing I have heard Caroline say. With that, she returns to San Fran.

Caroline is on her way to the airport and all of the parts of her personality are yelling at her nerves for ruining sex.

Caroline is on the flight from New York to San Fran and she is angry. She sees an ad featuring the guy who stole her orgasm and she beats it up. The TSA give her a “strongly worded warning” (must be nice) and she goes home to her cat and to bake.

It's the next day and Caroline was baking the whole time. She hears someone at the door and it's Simon, returning home early.

“'Are you gonna tell me why you faked it?'”

That's right. Simon knows, he knows and he waited to talk to her about it, which I respect. He gave her space to process when she obviously needed it and I can't believe that is the line the chapter ended on. No joke, this was the first time in the entire book I was mad that the chapter ended. So, by gosh, by golly, we are doing another double!

Chapter 21

Caroline panics and tries to play it cool, but Simon sees right through it and wants to talk.

“Talk? Sure, I could talk. He should probably know what he was in for with me, doomed to wander the planet without an O for the rest of my life.”

Cool it, child. It's not the worst thing in the world if you don't orgasm. Your quality of life is not determined by the quality of orgasm.

Caroline throws a brioche dough against a wall in frustration and Simon is calm about it. I'm going to transcribe the next section of dialogue because it actually got a reluctant laugh out of me and I want to give credit where credit is due.

Simon: What was that going to be?

Caroline: Brioche. It was going to be brioche.

Simon: I bet it would have been good.

Caroline: It's a lot of work – almost too much.

Simon: We could try it again. I'd be glad to help.

Caroline: You don't know what you're offering. Do you have any idea how complicated it is? How many steps there are? How long it might take?

Simon: Good things come to those who wait.

Caroline: Christ, Simon, you have no idea. I want this so badly, probably even more than you.

Simon: They make croutons out of it, right?

Caroline: Wait, what?

This is the first time Clayton's double meaning dialogue actually worked. And it's also the first time me and Caroline where really in sync with our response. Hitting our heads against a wall.

Once she is done with that, she paces around mumbling about all her sex problems and Simon not understanding a word of it. It paints an interesting picture as Caroline, who had been up for a least a full day baking, probably seems unhinged. But Simon is a good ol' boy and is the literal shoulder Caroline cries on. They exchange vows of love and then have very messy food sex for 11 pages, only to be interrupted halfway through by Caroline's cat attacking Simon. This doesn't stop them from going right back at it, but it happened. I don't know why it happened, but it did. And yes, Caroline got her groove back. In her own words

“Still onward I thrashed, passing through the land of multiples and into some kind of no man's land. Passing six and seven, my body became limp with ecstasy.”

Passing six and seven? I think even Zeus is sitting around going, “take a breather, you'll hurt yourself”

Although, now I'm curious. There is only one chapter left with no real conflict to drive it forward, so what does the last fifteen pages have to offer? Is it going to be more sex? I don't know, but feel free to guess until next time.

Wallbanger Chapters 18 & 19: So Close

Last time in Wallbanger...Caroline swooned over Simon taking pictures and pounced him in the kitchen. Also, there is an general sense of foreboding hanging around just in time for a third act misunderstanding.

Chapter 18

The chapter opens with Caroline asking if this is what Simon always wanted to do. We find out that it wasn't what he had planned but it is what he loves. Short, I know, but like with the hand holding scene from a few chapters ago, it nicely develops Simon outside of being “the Wallbanger”.

We find out that Simon is a trust fund baby, or as he puts it

“'Seriously. Loaded.'”

Caroline tries to make a joke about it, but Simon is all serious because he's afraid things will get weird. Caroline pities and armchair psychoanalyzes Simon, praising him for surviving his tragic back story.

Clayton takes a moment to make a self-referential joke about the book being a romance when Simon calls it that

“'Should you be embracing me on the beach? And ripping my bodice?'”

Oh, please. As if this story isn't like a thousand bodice rippers. The only difference is that Caroline isn't a very likable character.

“'If someone would've told me this story, I doubt I'd believed it'”

I know I don't.

They talk about the trip home and how everyone will want to know what happened between them and that segues into what they “are” in the most “I wish I wrote like Joss Whedon” sorta way

Simon: We?

Caroline: What? We what?

Simon: I could we with you.

Caroline: Aren't we already we-ing?

Simon: Yeah, we're we-ing on vacation.

See what I mean? And as a side note, I mentioned in the last chapter I've been reading the Tiffany Aching books so I kept reading “we” as “wee” and with a Scottish brogue. It makes the dialogue a wee bit more entertaining.

Simon tells Caroline that his next assignment in a few weeks will be in Peru and she gets pouty, but he promises to take her one day.

“They say when a soldier loses a leg in battle sometimes, late at night, he can still feel the twinges of that leg – phantom pain, they call it. I lost my O in battle.”

This not only seems offensive but also like a gross exaggeration. But maybe after tonight (in universe) when she finally gets laid, she will shut up about getting laid. One can hope.

The space between the phantom orgasm and the next page break is filled with her getting dressed (white linen dress) and sexual tension with Simon before they leave for dinner.

They eat dinner at a fancy restaurant with fancy food, and variations of the word “romance” are used a lot. They feed each other oysters, make out at the bar, and Caroline teases Simon under the table while the waiter is trying to not notice. I feel bad for the waiter, I hope they tip well if Spain is a tip appropriate place.

More fancy food, and romance, and waitstaff hoping that they don't need refills. They talk about Tahoe and how Simon knew that it would be all or nothing with Caroline. This prompts Caroline to agree that it was good that they wait, but the wait is no more. This may come as a shock gentle reader so I hope you are sitting down for this, but they act like horny teenagers. Then Caroline realizes that they are in the parking lot and the chapter ends with Simon racing back to the rental house.

Considering how short this chapter is and how the next chapter is just as long, I'm going to make this one a double. Onward to...

Chapter 19

The chapter opens with the longest description of Caroline we've gotten thus far. She is a skinny blonde with green eyes who didn't like how she looked when she was a teen. How original. Caroline talks about how her Grandma told her that girls don't take compliments well, and that is why she is as confident as she is. I both like and hate this for a few reasons. Let's start with like:

1. This is true. Girls are taught from a young age that confidence is some how a masculine trait and if a girl or woman just accepts a compliment they are often viewed as egotistical.
2. I'm glad that the message of this passage it to appreciate what is positive about yourself instead of focusing on the perceived negative.

Things I hate about this:

1. It's really hard to buy a “You're beautiful no matter what they say” message when your main character is conventionally attractive.
2. Where the hell is this coming from?
3. Why is this here?
4. We went from almost having sex in the parking lot of a fancy restaurant in Spain to after school special between chapters, what did I miss?

Anyway...

When Caroline stops looking at herself in the mirror she finds that Simon has gone all “romance-novel style” on the room with the candles and the ocean view, I'm just waiting for Marvin Gaye so they can make sweet love down by the fire.

And they do. For the rest of the chapter. It's like 10 pages of foreplay and sex. And because this is a classy blog (most of the time) I'm not going to go over all of it. I'm just going to sum up the important bits.

1. She describes vaginal intercourse as painful. She attributes this to it being so long since she'd done it, however that is not how that works. You see, the vagina is a muscle that becomes less tense the more excited the person is. So, unless this is a lubrication issue, she is not that into the sex.
2. She almost but doesn't orgasm and as much as I want to crack a joke about it, the fact that she fakes it for Simon is actually a really good character moment for her. She decides that sex can be fun without an orgasm.
3. She realizes how much she has been emotionally holding back from Simon.

And that's it. Just those 3 points and a lot of thrusting in between. I will say this much though, I'm looking forward to where this is going.

Wallbanger Chapter 17: What Would Granny Weatherwax Do?

Last time in Wallbanger...the pair arrived in Spain, there were some bad old jokes, they made out a bunch and Simon tried valiantly to confess his feelings to Caroline but she was too busy focusing on sex.

Chapter 17

Caroline wakes up because she feels “a great rumbling” and thinks she is in the middle of an earth quake. She's not. It's just Simon snoring. I'm sure all long time California residents will tell you that snoring and massive earthquakes feel the same.

“True to form, I'd taken over most of the bed in the night...”

Caroline managed to take up almost all of the world's largest bed that was previously described as “the bed to end all beds”? Was all of that emphasis just for hyperbole?

After they talk about their respective sleeping habits and a quick breakfast, they go into town and Caroline decides that this traveling with Simon business is “cool. Just cool.” Apparently, this is because they have the same quiet take-it-all-in method of exploring new places. I wouldn't know, I can hardly afford to get to work let alone anywhere new.

Anyway...

Simon has to work and Caroline says

“nothing, and I mean nothing, was hotter than watching Simon work.”

Because watching a photographer line up a shot for an hour is the height of sensuality. Swoon. That's a lie. He wasn't lining up a shot for an hour. He was doing test shots for an undetermined amount of time. Meaning, he was taking pictures from a bunch of angles, with a bunch of lenses, for as long as it took for the natural lighting to do what he wants.

Although this does add to the list of “blank = sex”. Now we have photography = sex.

Caroline talks about the different parts of her personality: Heart, Brain, Backbone, Nerves and of course Lower Caroline or LC because

“Lower Caroline wanted a hip but abbreviated name”

Perhaps Caroline needs a visit from the nice men in white who come with special jackets. Especially, as she has an internal battle over what to call Simon's penis.

“While I didn't much like the term penis, internally I felt strange about calling him dick or cock, so penis it was...for now.”

You know, the book I'm reading now is The Shepherd's Crown by Terry Pratchett. I could be reading about Tiffany Aching struggle after the death of Granny Weatherwax as her old enemy the Queen of the Fairies loses control over her elven army. But no, I'm reading about a 26 year old woman who is both obsessed with sex and yet can't bring herself to call her lovers penis by it's anatomical name.

Anyway...

Caroline complains about how confused she is. On the one hand, she wants to bone Simon yesterday, but on the other hand, she wants to wait and build up their relationship first.

“No wonder I had sworn off dating. This shit was tough.”

1. She swore off dating because she found it emotionally and sexually unfulfilling, not because she was conflicted.
2. If “is it too soon to have sex” is the hardest question in your relationship, then you are fine. Especially, when there aren't any social or moral hang ups involved.

She then spends a paragraph trying to name Simon's penis because

“It deserved it. Mammoth Male Member? No. Pulsating Pillar of Passion? No. Back Door Bandit? Hell no. Wang? Sounded like the noise those doorstopper things made when you flicked 'em...”

Again, Esme Weatherwax is dead, yet I'm not reading about that. I'm reading about a 26 year old college graduate career woman trying to name her lover's genitals because the word penis is too icky. How did I get here? Where did I go wrong? What's worse is that I can't stop. Partly for you, gentle reader, but also because I'm in too deep. There is less than 100 pages left. I have to finish it.

Simon asks Caroline to stand in the foreground of a picture for perspective for him. Caroline initially refuses because she thinks she is a mess, but eventually relents. There is some messy clementine eating and a selfie with his fancy camera.

The couple are having dinner, they talk about how odd it is that this is their first date. They talk about what makes a date, what base he is allowed to get to (they actually use the word base) and Caroline blushes furiously. I somehow don't see Caroline as the blushing type. If yelling at your best friends and telling them who they should be sleeping with doesn't get a blush out of her, then Simon asking when it is appropriate to cop a feel probably wouldn't.

Make outs and groping happens. It's fairly standard erotica but I find one thing funny. Caroline narrates

“What was crassly called 'under the shirt action' became part of a romance...”

Really? She thinks that “under the shirt action” is crass when it's about the least gauche thing to come out of her mouth yet? Just wow.

Caroline talk about how luxurious her trip is.

“Were we being ridiculous, waiting until the last night in Spain to consummate this thing'? Probably, but who the hell cared? He spent almost an hour kissing every inch of my legs one night, and I spent about the same amount of time having a conversation with his belly button.”

An hour? A fecking hour? That's crazy long. How do they not get bored? For perspective, you can watch either a full episode of House, 3 episodes of most animes, or most of a movie in that time. You can cross multiple borders in Europe in that time. According to Iron Chef, you can make a five course meal in that time. I can grind out 5 levels in WOW in that time. And all they did was cover her legs and his stomach in saliva? That seems wildly inefficient.

But wait! There's more. She is cooking dinner and Simon comes in after a shower and she pounces him. As she is going down on him I thinking about the food on the burner she neglected and wondering how on fire the place would have to be to get Caroline to focus on something other than sex. Best guess? Third degree burns would need to be a problem first.

“My lips purred...”

How does manage to get her lips and only her lips to purr? Cause I'm just thinking of the buzzing that brass players have to do to their mouthpieces.

Anyway...

Simon cums and wants to return the favor, but Caroline says not tonight, but definitely tomorrow night (which probably means the next chapter). We get a page break and a brief but ominous warning from Caroline's Nerves that something is going to go wrong soon.

Grey Chapter 5: Stalking For Her Safety

Last time in Grey...Christian decides to give Ana Tomas Hardy books in order to send mixed signals.

Friday, May 20, 2011

“I've slept for the first time in five days.”

I doubt that he hasn't slept in five days. Maybe not all the way through the night, but he had to have slept a little. He would literally die otherwise. Although it would explain his erratic behavior.

He yells at himself a bit in the mirror.

“Liar.

Fuck.”

I can't say I disagree.

His brother calls him and he acts like this is the worst thing to happen during his breakfast ever.

“What the hell does my big brother want?”

To say hi, how are you? It's what family does asshole.

“'Dude. I need to get out of Seattle this weekend. This chick is all over my junk and I've got to get away.”

Did James decide to model his brother's dialogue after Baywatch? Cause I've never met someone out of high school who talks like that.

“'Your junk?'”

Every time I walk away from this book I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me. Like I'll tell myself “Nah, this twenty-something does really talk like that” or “Christian doesn't really talk like a vampire” and then I read lines like that and I remember that he totally does. And this isn't the only time. Elliot (the brother) will use super common slang like “chopper” and Christian acts all prim like he has never heard a helicopter be called anything else.

Christian schemes to go hiking with his brother. It's not explicitly stated, but you can kind of tell he wants to stalk Ana personally. His personal chef asks if he wants her to prepare food for him this weekend and he says to make something but he might not be back. I bring this up because the next line is

“She didn't give you a second glance, Grey.”

I assume he is talking about Ana, but she hasn't been mentioned since before Elliot called. The only female in his presence is the cook and originally that is who I thought he was talking about. But that doesn't make sense either because Christian spends half the time bitching that everyone wants his junk. So which “she” is it? When you use pronouns they refer to the most recently named person whose gender the pronoun matches, that's how English works James. So if I were to use the pronoun “she” in this sentence, for instance, “She should know better, English is her primary and possibly only language” everyone knows I am referring to James because she was the last “she” I mentioned.

The chapter cuts to Christian and Elliot driving to Portland.

“Elliot sleeps most of the way to Portland. Poor fucker must be fried. Working and fucking: that's Elliot's raison d'etre.”

1. At least there is the implication that Elliot works. Other than Christian's questionable dealings with Sudan, all he does is obsess over having sex with a woman he hardly knows. Let me remind you that within a minute of meeting Ana he was fantasizing about caning her, but Elliot is problematic?
2. There are 321 occurrences of fuck in this book. This is number 22 in five chapters. Christian is supposed to be this cultured sophisticated guy who doesn't understand slang and uses phrases like “raison d'etre” yet he can't be bothered to curse more creatively than “fuck”

Christian makes a few calls. One is to order up some mountain bikes. Yes, this half a page of dialogue was necessary. How else were we supposed to know that his brother is 6'2? The other call is to his driver Taylor, but what confuses me is that Christian is already driving to Portland, so why is he calling his driver? He has a car, he's in it, so why is he making his driver go from Seattle to Portland with a new car? It can't be the car that he gives Ana, that doesn't happen until after their second non-date. So is he just wildly inconveniencing an employee so he'll have car options? And let me remind you that this is set in 2011 where gas prices were between $3.50 and $4.00, we were still solidly in the recession after the housing market crash of 2008, and Christian is supposed to be all noble at heart. So instead of just telling me, James, that Christian is rich but trying to feed the world so no kid ever has to go hungry like he did, you could show me that by having him live relatively frugally, and spending that “bringing a second car to Portland for no reason money” on a food bank or soup kitchen. But wait I forgot.

“I end the call and turn up the music. Let's see if Elliot can sleep through The Verve.”

Because no one can sleep through the jamming tunes of mid-90's alt rock?

Christian considers following up with secretary #1 about the books he had delivered to Ana but decides not to because

“...I know I've left her with a ton of work. Besides, I don't want to give my staff an excuse to gossip.”

I don't doubt that gossiping happens in his building, and I also don't doubt that they are talking about him, but I do doubt that they care about someone he sent books too. My guess is that they sit around the water cooler wondering how many bodies he hides in his closet.

He talks to himself and eventually Elliot wakes up.

Christian: We're going mountain biking.

Elliot: We are?

He didn't ask his brother if this is something he wanted to do? Don't get me wrong, this is completely in line with his character, he does whatever the hell he wants first and asks questions never, but what happens when people say no? If I recall this becomes a thing because Ana is the only one to ever tell him no and he gets off on her telling him no (red flag!) but I can't believe that no one has ever turned him down for something before.

He has inner monologue about his father

“My father is a polymath...”

Again, you use words like polymath and yet fuck is the most commonly used word in this book.

“...a real renaissance man: academic, sporting, at ease in the city, more at ease in the great outdoors. He's embraced three adopted kids...and I'm the one who didn't live up to his expectations.”

This is really odd because if you go by the logic of the book Christian is the shit. He is a billionaire playboy philanthropist trying to save the starving children of the world while having the most enviable face and figure. Yet, I am to believe that he is a disappointment? If the book would admit that Christian is a terrible human being then I would get it, but that's not the case. It's not because he is an asshole that he is a disappointment, it's because

“Puberty ruined all that for me.”

The worst part is that, if you squint and look sideways you can almost see a valid argument here. He was raped as a teen and if he associated his traumatic encounter with the onset of sexual desire I could buy it. However, he doesn't see it as rape. In short, I have no idea what is meant by that line and where this is going.

The pair talk about all the sex Elliot is having, and wouldn't you know it? I don't care. After an attempt at character development for Elliot, we get a pagebreak.

When we return, the boys are riding bikes. Elliot makes a comment about a girl sounding desperate and I wonder if it's possible for James to write a likable character. Another pagebreak and the boys are watching baseball

“Go Mariners! Elliot and I clink beer bottles.”

Not sure which is weirder: Christian showing any enthusiasm/emotion or James getting information on the game right.

Ana drunk dials him, I would nitpick word choices, why he is angry, why he assumes that she can't take care of herself, but in all this commentary thus far I've only covered 3 pages of the chapter so just know that Christian's first worry upon hearing drunk Ana is if she is with another man. Priorities!

Ana hangs up on Christian which lights a fire under his butt enough to call his private stalker and use illegal software to hunt her down. Again, he doesn't know that she is in any danger. All he knows is that a college student he only met recently is drunk, the fact that he saves her from her friend trying to force himself on her does not excuse the fact that he made a metric ton of assumptions.

The guys show up at the bar, Christian is annoyed with Kate because she is not a paranoid dick like he is. Christian find Ana outside, saves her from Jose because if anyone is going to abuse, disrespect, and disregard her feelings for his own needs – it's going to be Christian.

Ana vomits on the sidewalk, Christian holds her hair. When she is done she says she is sorry and his first thought is

“Okay, let's have some fun.”

Yeah, I mean, she was only sexually assaulted by a close friend who she thinks of as family and then vomited all over the sidewalk. What harm would there be in you fucking with her emotions while you are at it?

“Why is it such fun to tease this young woman?”

Because you have no soul?

Christian thinks Kate is a shit friend for trusting Ana and Jose to be together and assuming that Jose wouldn't attack her, and I think he's a shit person for existing.

Christian starts to have a panic attack out of nowhere. The only thing preceding it is Ana unexpectedly clutching his arm then

“I freeze.

Shit.

My heart rate catapults into overdrive as the darkness surfaces, stretching and tightening its claws around my throat.”

She touches him and he has a panic attack. That is not an “I'm in love” reaction, that is a PTSD reaction. James does say he has PTSD and he doesn't like being touched but it is related to his mother, who use to put out her cigarettes on him. Which means that for Ana's touch to trigger his panic attack, either A) he associates Ana with his mother in some weird Oedipus complex, or B) all people who touch him at all times gives him panic attacks. I'm leaning toward A because he specifically chooses submissives who look like/remind him of his mother.

Even he doesn't understand why he reacts the way he does.

“She's oil on my troubled, deep, dark waters.”

Calm down, Batman. If she soothes your savage soul then why did you have a panic attack?

“Hmm...flowery, Grey.”

If by flowery you mean trite, then yes I agree.

He decides the only way to get her to Kate on the dance floor is by dancing their way there. Yeah, when I read this scene in Fifty Shades, the dancing felt out of nowhere and I feel like this was added to sort of retroactively justify it, but it doesn't work. Sorry, James.

We get his rundown of taking her to his hotel room, getting her half naked but not wanting to step

“beyond the bounds of propriety.”

Because having her SSN, banking information, malware on her phone*, and eventually stealing and selling her car is well within the social confines.

He gets her puke covered clothes off while she is passed out and of course his first thought is of having sex with her. Not creepy at all. He then has his private stalker look into Jose, his driver to buy Ana clothes, and laments how he needs to get laid.

*I have consulted some tech peeps and the consensus is that in order to track Ana the way he did he would have had to hack her cell phone and put spyware on it.

Wallbanger Chapter 16: Porn by way of Sesame Street

Last time in Wallbanger...Simon is single, the world rejoiced, he and Caroline are sorta in a relationship, and they get on the plane to Spain.

Chapter 16

“We did it too soon. We should have waited.”

Yeah, my writing-senses are tingling and they are telling me that this about something innocuous and not sex related.

“'Well, for starters, you're holding it upside down,' I shot back, grabbing the map and turning it right side up.”

So yeah, the suggestive conversation about doing too soon was about directions and makes less and less sense the more you think about what they were saying and what they were meaning to say. But hey, why not structure your dialogue around a joke. And the laughs don't stop there, we get a “men don't ask for directions” joke in the very next paragraph. Hardy-har-har.

They play the blame game but pause to talk about churros (because Spain) and how distracting eating them can be.

Caroline: Can I make a suggestion?

Simon: It is a lewd suggestion?

I feel like Clayton meant that to read “Is it” and not “It is” because then why would she have a question mark at the end?

Anyway...

The scandalous suggestion she makes is to use GPS and while Simon scoffs at first because “only pussies use GPS” Caroline is able to convince him with her feminine wiles. Yay, outmoded gender stereotypes!

Caroline talks about how they are taking it slow

“He was wooing me. And I was letting him woo. I wanted the woo. I deserved the woo. I needed the wow that would surely follow the woo, but for now, the woo? It was whoa.”

It would be really funny if, when they finally do bang, it isn't as “wow” as she wants it to be. That won't happen, because this is a romance novel, but it would be hilarious.

Makes out happen.

“I sighed, the tiniest whimper...”

What is it with people using the word “whimper” during supposedly sexy scenes. It literally means “to cry with low, plaintive, broken sounds.” If one or both of your main couple is making low, plaintive, broken sounds during satisfying consensual sexy times, something is wrong. Nothing is wrong here though. Despite whimpers to the contrary, Caroline and Simon are having grand old make outs. Good for them.

Simon makes a crack about kissing jack 'o' lanterns because Caroline can't stop smiling and Caroline says

“'We're in Spain, Simon. Grinning is implied'”

Clayton, that's not how the word “implied” works. If the grinning was “implied” then she wouldn't be literally grinning.

They get to the house they are renting in Nerja and watch the sun set over the Mediterranean Sea. I'm not going to put a lot of that here, because it's not necessary for this Let's Read, but I will give Clayton credit. It's a good scene, establishes the setting nicely and it's refreshing to have Simon and Caroline just existing near each other and not bantering non-stop.

They explore the house together, find the world's largest bed.

“It was the bed to end all beds. It was the bed that all the little beds aspired to be when they grew up. It was bed heaven. […] I had a lovely case of performance anxiety”

But you said you were letting him woo you and that you wanted to take things slow. I guess I took that to meant that you wouldn't bone on this trip, but now I suppose what she meant was “We didn't bone last night, but we will probably bone soon.”

Caroline makes the decision to just let the chips fall where they may and not put any pressure on either to preform. Which I find mature to the point of questioning if this is in-line with her character, but I like it so who am I to complain?

Caroline name drops some fancy foods and they chat about their plans. They take a moonlit stroll down the beach and Caroline tells Simon she likes holding his hand.

“Witty banter had its place, but sometimes, all you need is the truth.”

Praise be! That has been my problem this whole book. It has way more style than substance and now that Clayton is actually giving me something substantial I couldn't be happier. This is still not my favorite, but this isn't as much of a chore to get through. It's weirdly nice.

Simon talks about how his parents truly loved each other and how false it always felt when he saw other people hold hands and say sweet-nothings. I want to be offended because me and my SO always call each other by pet names and are (according to others) disgustingly saccharine, but I will accept his complaint as that of a young man wounded. Besides, the overall, effect is nice because we see Simon vulnerable.

Caroline and Simon have decided to sleep in separate beds, but make out on Caroline's bed for good measure.

“My shirt bunched up around my waist, and the feeling of his hi-there against my hoohah was indescribable.”

Hi-there? Hoohah? What is this? Porn by way of Sesame Street? No, actually, Jim Henson puppets have had way more graphic gigs than this.

“He flipped me about like a rag doll...”

I know I just made the Jim Henson joke, but this seriously reminds me of the opening sketch from the old Muppet Show with Rita Moreno dancing/throwing the full size muppet around. Classic.

Anyway...

Simon pauses the make outs to say he doesn't want to mess this up and Caroline doesn't seem to get that he isn't talking about sex.

Simon: I have no experience with this.

Caroline: I have a wall back home that would disagree with that.

Why is Caroline so sex crazed? I'm not saying that she can't be, but I don't understand why everything equals sex with her. Baking = Sex. Traveling = Sex. Friends = Sex. E = MCSex. You think I'm joking but when Simon says

“I really like you, Caroline. But I haven't had a girlfriend since high school, and I have no clue how to do this. But you need to know, that what I feel for you? Shit, it's just different, okay? And, whatever your wall would say back home, I need you to know that this? What we have, or will have? It's different, okay? You know that, right?”

Any sane, rational person would think that he is, more or less, making a love declaration. But Caroline thinks

“He was telling me I was different, that I was no replacement for the harem.”

She is getting to the point of willful ignorance, and I'm just glad the chapter ends before this comic misunderstanding can go any further.