Last time in Wallbanger...Caroline
swooned over Simon taking pictures and pounced him in the kitchen.
Also, there is an general sense of foreboding hanging around just in
time for a third act misunderstanding.
Chapter 18
The chapter opens with
Caroline asking if this is what Simon always wanted to do. We find
out that it wasn't what he had planned but it is what he loves.
Short, I know, but like with the hand holding scene from a few
chapters ago, it nicely develops Simon outside of being “the
Wallbanger”.
We find out that Simon is a
trust fund baby, or as he puts it
“'Seriously. Loaded.'”
Caroline tries to make a
joke about it, but Simon is all serious because he's afraid things
will get weird. Caroline pities and armchair psychoanalyzes Simon,
praising him for surviving his tragic back story.
Clayton takes a moment to
make a self-referential joke about the book being a romance when
Simon calls it that
“'Should you be
embracing me on the beach? And ripping my bodice?'”
Oh, please. As if this story
isn't like a thousand bodice rippers. The only difference is that
Caroline isn't a very likable character.
“'If someone would've
told me this story, I doubt I'd believed it'”
I know I don't.
They talk about the trip
home and how everyone will want to know what happened between them
and that segues into what they “are” in the most “I wish I
wrote like Joss Whedon” sorta way
Simon: We?
Caroline: What? We what?
Simon: I could we with
you.
Caroline: Aren't we
already we-ing?
Simon: Yeah, we're we-ing
on vacation.
See what I mean? And as a
side note, I mentioned in the last chapter I've been reading the
Tiffany Aching books so I kept reading “we” as “wee” and with
a Scottish brogue. It makes the dialogue a wee bit more entertaining.
Simon tells Caroline that
his next assignment in a few weeks will be in Peru and she gets
pouty, but he promises to take her one day.
“They say when a
soldier loses a leg in battle sometimes, late at night, he can still
feel the twinges of that leg – phantom pain, they call it. I lost
my O in battle.”
This not only seems
offensive but also like a gross exaggeration. But maybe after tonight
(in universe) when she finally gets laid, she will shut up about
getting laid. One can hope.
The space between the
phantom orgasm and the next page break is filled with her getting
dressed (white linen dress) and sexual tension with Simon before they
leave for dinner.
They eat dinner at a fancy
restaurant with fancy food, and variations of the word “romance”
are used a lot. They feed each other oysters, make out at the bar,
and Caroline teases Simon under the table while the waiter is trying
to not notice. I feel bad for the waiter, I hope they tip well if
Spain is a tip appropriate place.
More fancy food, and
romance, and waitstaff hoping that they don't need refills. They talk
about Tahoe and how Simon knew that it would be all or nothing with
Caroline. This prompts Caroline to agree that it was good that they
wait, but the wait is no more. This may come as a shock gentle reader
so I hope you are sitting down for this, but they act like horny
teenagers. Then Caroline realizes that they are in the parking lot
and the chapter ends with Simon racing back to the rental house.
Considering how short this
chapter is and how the next chapter is just as long, I'm going to
make this one a double. Onward to...
Chapter 19
The chapter opens with the
longest description of Caroline we've gotten thus far. She is a
skinny blonde with green eyes who didn't like how she looked when she
was a teen. How original. Caroline talks about how her Grandma told
her that girls don't take compliments well, and that is why she is as
confident as she is. I both like and hate this for a few reasons.
Let's start with like:
- This is true. Girls are taught from a young age that confidence is some how a masculine trait and if a girl or woman just accepts a compliment they are often viewed as egotistical.
- I'm glad that the message of this passage it to appreciate what is positive about yourself instead of focusing on the perceived negative.
Things I hate about this:
- It's really hard to buy a “You're beautiful no matter what they say” message when your main character is conventionally attractive.
- Where the hell is this coming from?
- Why is this here?
- We went from almost having sex in the parking lot of a fancy restaurant in Spain to after school special between chapters, what did I miss?
Anyway...
When Caroline stops looking
at herself in the mirror she finds that Simon has gone all
“romance-novel style” on the room with the candles and the
ocean view, I'm just waiting for Marvin Gaye so they can make sweet
love down by the fire.
And they do. For the rest of
the chapter. It's like 10 pages of foreplay and sex. And because this
is a classy blog (most of the time) I'm not going to go over all of
it. I'm just going to sum up the important bits.
- She describes vaginal intercourse as painful. She attributes this to it being so long since she'd done it, however that is not how that works. You see, the vagina is a muscle that becomes less tense the more excited the person is. So, unless this is a lubrication issue, she is not that into the sex.
- She almost but doesn't orgasm and as much as I want to crack a joke about it, the fact that she fakes it for Simon is actually a really good character moment for her. She decides that sex can be fun without an orgasm.
- She realizes how much she has been emotionally holding back from Simon.
And that's it. Just those 3
points and a lot of thrusting in between. I will say this much
though, I'm looking forward to where this is going.
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