Wallbanger Chapter 14: The Return Home

Heads up gentle reader, my keyboard is dying so there may be more typos than usual. I will try to catch them all, but I'm not exactly Ash Ketchum .

Last time in Wallbanger...Caroline and Simon made out in a hot tub. Simon decided to be a decent person and not have sex with the inebriated Caroline and risk their friendship. Caroline was not happy with this, but was happy with the sweater he got her that she can't stop herself from sniffing.

Chapter 14

“Inside a black range rover on the way back to San Francisco...”

I didn't add the ellipses. Why do I have the feeling I'm going to hate where this is going?

“Caroline: Okay, I can do this...”

Oh no.

“Simon: She's smiling at me...I can smile back at her, right?”

So, instead of writing the whole book in third person so we can be privy to everyone's thoughts and feelings, Clayton chose to write this in (mostly) first person with random shifts to other narrative styles when the plot needs it. Is this my punishment for complaining about Boy Window's POV shifts? Is this Rony (the god of Irony) laughing at me? Cause that's what it feels like.

To sum up

Caroline: Stupid Simon rejecting my wet, mostly naked, breasts when he was hard.

Simon: Why must I be so noble? Things aren't working out with my other ladies. Thinking about last night is getting me hard again. I'm a pervert for getting erect at the thought of wet, most naked, breasts.

Caroline: Simon said he doesn't want to have sex with me when I wasted because it could potentially ruin our relationship and yet he is checking out my ass. Mixed signals!

Simon: Caroline is sniffing a lot, I wonder if she has a cold.

Caroline: Let's think about why I pounced Simon? ...or not.

Simon: Caroline smells good. Why do some “girls” smell like flowers or fruit?

Caroline: I will never admit I like Simon even to myself. And I can not comprehend someone not wanting to have sex.

Simon: Caroline is practically perfect in every way and I may or may not want a serious relationship.

Caroline: I can't imagine Simon turning me down out of chivalry even though he said “Obviously I'm attracted to you. How could I not be? You're amazing. But you were drunk, I was drunk, and as great as it would have been it would have – ah, it would have changed things” because that is too simple.

Simon: I like Caroline.

Caroline: I refuse to admit I may like Simon.

Then we get a page break but before I put the picture up I wanted to let you know that I just condensed 6 pages worth of “introspection”. I did cut out Mimi and Ryan's inner monologue, because it wasn't important. And I cut out the six or so times one of the guys says they were hard. You're welcome!

Simon drops off Ryan and Mimi at Mimi's place and heads to his and Caroline's apartment. Caroline thinks some more about her tryst with Simon.

“The thing is, though, I did think his head was in it, at least until he thought about it too much.”

It took you how many pages to figure that out? You sure are a quick one Caroline.

They decide to try and act like nothing happened and go their separate ways.

Fast-forward a week and Caroline is at work. Her boss expresses concern and asks her to lunch.

At lunch, Caroline and Jillian talk about Tahoe and then stop themselves from trying to figure out the complicated workings of Simon because them men folk, amirite?

Caroline reads her fortune cookie

“Be aware of the walls you build and what could be on the other side”

“Confucius, you kill me.”

Some how I doubt that Kongzi wrote or said anything like that.

“Text from James to Caroline”

Yay...my favorite...

James and Caroline make plans for their date. Again we are told Caroline hates pho (which just proves she is evil) and that their professional relationship will end in a week.

Caroline considers talking to Simon but chooses not to because she hears him answering a phone call from one of his lady friends.

There are more page breaks in this chapter than there are jokes in this let's read. I'm both sad and impressed.

Caroline is all dressed up for James. Okay, it's really for herself, and she even admits she is using him. The man in question knocks and she talks about how familiar it all is. Naturally, Simon interrupts.

“He had a fake smile plastered across his face, and his voice was colder than I'd ever heard it before.”

So far, Simon is the only character I don't completely hate, so please let him not take a turn for the douchie. Pretty please.

Her date was fine, but Caroline's heart wasn't in it. When James walks her to her door, she over hears Simon talking to a lady and decides to invite James in. They almost go at it but then James offhandedly

says

“'I'm so glad I needed a decorator.'”

and that does it for Caroline. She could put herself through sex if she wasn't interested, but she would not put up with him demeaning her career. Eh, to each their own I guess.

James leaves loudly, Caroline is mad at herself and throws a shoe. It hits Simon.

“Holding the shoe like some kind of late-night Prince Charming to my slutty O-less Cinderella...”

I just don't get you Caroline, and I don't think I ever will.

Caroline gets even more mad, lashing out at Simon for coming over to check on her when he heard yelling.

“'Why do all men seem to think they need to rescue a woman? Are we not capable of rescuing our damn selves?'”

Where is this coming from? What rescuing? If I heard someone I was close to having a fight I would want to see if they were okay. Simon didn't come in with a weapon ready to fight. He calmly entered her room and asked if she was okay. And why is this the one progressive thing she has said when she claims to be a liberate woman? And why is it at the least appropriate time?

Caroline screeches like a barn owl about the significance of her career and how she will never eat Vietnamese food for someone ever again. Simon makes attempts to agree with her but Caroline will have none of it. She shouts some more about how she doesn't need rescuing before finally calming down and admitting that James is not a bad guy but not the guy for her.

Also, I just want to mention, Caroline says twice in so many pages that

“'I know you think James is some kind of psycho'”

but Simon has never called him that. When they met the first time, Simon just expressed a dislike. The only time the word psycho appears in the text is the two times Caroline uses it in this chapter.

Anyway...

Caroline cries. Simon comforts. Caroline gets catty and asks about Nadia. Simon says they met for drinks to end their relationship.

“Why did Heart have to be so in to this?”

I don't know, ask Ma-Ti.

Simon explains that his non-committal relationships aren't working for him anymore and he asks her to join him in Spain.

“He was going Spain on me?”

I'm trying to imagine what “going Spain” would look like and I've got to say it is slapstick in my head.

Caroline walks Simon to the door. Simon still wants to talk but Caroline wants to sleep. She says she has two things she wants to tell him.

“'First, you hurt my feelings in Tahoe'”

Yeah, how dare he not want to have casual sex with someone he has a close relationship with. He's an asshole for showing restraint and respecting her enough to not take advantage of the situation.

When Simon tries to interrupt she says

“'Shut it, Simon. I don't want a rehash.'”

Which I find funny because half of this chapter and the last was rehash.

Caroline tells Simon to never hurt her feelings again, and the second thing she wanted to tell him was

“'I'm coming with you to Spain.'”

The chapter is over and with that news I am predicting classic rom-com airport chase scene shenanigans. We'll see...