Wallbanger Chapter 13: Cauldron of Chlorinated Chemistry

I know it's been a couple (7) months since I posted here last but life happened and after being gone from this for so long I found that I really missed doing it. I may not be posting as frequently as before, but I am going to try to put stuff out again. So without further ado, let's resume.

Last time in Wallbanger...lots of drinking in hot tubs, signs of opulence, and Caroline yells at everyone like a howler monkey. Also, Simon and Caroline kissed.

Chapter 13

“The sky opened up...”

Because this is a romance novel and floral language is par for the course, I half expected this to be metaphorical. It's not. But Caroline is too busy lusting after Simon to go inside the house.

“'Mmm, Caroline, what are you up to?'”

Simon, she is straddling you in a hot tub, what do you think she is about?

“...his hands strong on my waist as his fingers dug into my skin.”

Ouch, ask if she's into that first, bro.

“I could barely see him through the haze of steam from the hot tub and the lust now brewing in this little cauldron of chlorinated chemistry.”

Atrocious alliteration Batman! That is an unsexy image.

“As I settled on his lap again...”

You never left it. I reread the start of the chapter to this point a few times to make sure I didn't miss anything, and I didn't. She didn't move.

“His grin was hard, and so was he.”

I know what she is trying to say, but does any one else find that oddly phrased? A hard grin is usually an unfeeling, unyielding grin. It's not inviting or friendly, and given that sexy times are about to happen, you would think that Simon's grin would be sexy and inviting. Therefore, I am led to believe that Clayton phrased this this way for the pun. And it's not even a good pun.

They proceed to have make outs. It's described as primal and sensual in a way that reminds me of the time when Buffy and Spike brought down an abandoned building, but less erotic.

“...our tongues and teeth and lips smacking and cracking...”

Ow, that sounds like a little kid smashing two dolls' faces together to simulate kissing.

“...my legs scrambling as I panted like a whore in church.”

Is this a commonly used phrase that I'm too uncool or uncultured to get it?

“The idea that a kiss, just a kiss, had turned me into this giant lusting bag of CarolineNeedThat was undeniable...”

I don't think it has “turned” Caroline into anything. She has always been lusty, all that's changed is now she can exercise that lust.

“'Come into my Tahoe, Simon'”

“'You feel uncommonly good'”

Now she is busting out her high society compliments? As he is mounting her in the hot tub, that is when she decides to dust off the Edwardian praise. Are she going to pause to tell him how she has long thought him the handsomest of men?

Nope, actually, Simon breaks things off saying that he can't. Caroline is...not happy

Simon: No, Caroline, not you. Not like –

Caroline: Well, don't I feel like a fucking idiot?

Caroline tries to laugh it off and walk away while Simon tries to explain. Caroline slips and falls and when Simon tries to help her up she reflects on how unsexy her bikini is. She starts to cry because she thinks he doesn't want her, and this all makes somewhat sense, but at the same time we all know he was trying to be a good person. I'm pretty sure what he was trying to explain is that he doesn't want to bone her while she is drunk.

So drunk in fact that she has a conversation with her reflection about how Simon will fuck anyone but her. In any other book, I would assume that this is supposed to be a sign that the narrator is unreliable, but some how I don't think that's the case. Caroline collapses on her bed and the phone rings.

The BFF's are appropriately coupled and Caroline is hating their overt happiness. We find out that she talked to James before she fell asleep. He made her laugh and asked her out and Caroline was desperate enough for the attention that she agreed.

Caroline gets pissy when Mimi asks about her night and storms off. The girls go to talk to her about it and Caroline gets all defensive asking what did they think would happen

“This isn't some romance novel.”

If only this were a romance novel, then maybe I would like it more.

Caroline yells at her friends for thinking that she and Simon would get together then Simon comes in to talk to her about the night before. They leave the house to talk and when Caroline keeps interrupting Simon's explanations he says

“'You have to shut up, okay? You keep interrupting me, and watch how fast you get tossed in that very lake'”

Nothing like violence to get you swooning.

Simon explains that he likes their friendship and wouldn't want to see it ruined by his amazing dick. He admits that he is completely attracted to her but he couldn't allow himself to bone her. Things seem to normalize and Simon says the ominous line

“'Always good when what you need and what you want are the same things'”

They are all packing up their cars to leave Tahoe and Caroline get Mimi to ride with her and Simon so she doesn't have to go alone. Simon gives her a sweater he got her from Ireland and the chapter ends with her sniffing it.

It's good to be back.