Miss me? Sorry for the absence gentle
reader, but a few very “important” things happened last week.
First, there was comic con, and while I intended to work on my let's
reads during panel lines, it was a bit too cumbersome to do so.
Second, Go Set A Watchman by Harper Lee came out and for those
interested in my feelings on that, a review will be posted to
agonybooth.com within the next few days. Third, Armada by
Ernest Cline came out (I should be getting a review of that out as
well). Fourth, The School for Good and Evil 3 comes out
tomorrow so I had to finish book 2 before Armada and Watchman
came out (no review for that one unless asked). So yeah, I “had”
to get through those three books and two others within the last ten
days which set me back on my let's read. I know you need my snarky
commentary in your life, so without further ado, to the let's read!
Last time in Wallbanger...Caroline and
Simon went on a road trip together to meet their friends in Tahoe and
they were cute when they were just being buds.
Chapter 12
Neil and Ryan are having a
hot tub no-homo moment while Simon and Caroline are mouthing words at
each other, and I'm amazed at the accuracy of their lip reading.
Caroline narrates how Simon is the super sexiest man ever.
“Brain was getting a
bit fuzzy. Heart was beginning to sing Etta James songs.”
I know she probably means
“At Last” but I'm thinking “I'd Rather Go Blind” which always
makes me want to cry in a beer.
They banter a bit and
Caroline mentally recaps what happened between chapters. Nothing too
interesting, just a lot of long stares, but the phrase
“...we were smack dab
in the middle of a sexual soup...”
is delightfully grotesque.
Who would think of something like that? It's so disturbing there is
nothing I can do but laugh.
Caroline observes the BFF's
interaction and how casual it is.
“...[Sophia] and Neil
talked back and forth about the 49ers' starting lineup or defensive
line or something football-ish and, frankly, boring.”
Yeah, football is boring,
but listening to you make sex jokes a pubescent teen would enjoy is
the height of entertainment. No, wait the real fun is listening to
Caroline talk about Simon's piercing gaze across the hot tub.
They try to figure out what
they are doing the next day. Ryan suggests hiking, but Sophia
declines because she may hurt her hands and she needs them to play
cello.
“Once she dodged hand
jobs all winter. Investment banker Bob was not a happy camper.”
I don't think I have ever
heard or seen someone pissed because their partner wouldn't given
them a hand job. But I guess different strokes for different folks.
Mimi also backs out of
hiking but Caroline is game. Caroline gets Ryan and Mimi talking, and
Simon gets Sophia and Neil talking. Simon is apparently super
flexible because he lifts his foot above the water to give Caroline a
foot high five. Maybe he was leaning back and floating a little but
with 5 other people in the water with him, I find that hard to
believe.
“...a fireplace with a
hearth almost ten feet wide...”
To give you an idea of how
big ten feet is, that is about two feet taller than the standard height for a room.
Therefore, I am must ask WHAT THE FUCK!? Who needs a fireplace with a
hearth ten feet wide? I get it, all the characters in this are made
of money and white privilege (even though Mimi is described as
Filipino), but this is ridiculous. Why so opulent Sophia's
grandparents? Are you trying to compensate for something?
Mimi gets Caroline and Simon
talking about windsurfing. Caroline wants to learn and Simon is
willing to teach. They then talk about sleeping arrangements.
Simon: Well, how many
rooms we talking about?
Sophia: There are four
bedrooms, so take your pick.
Only four? I'm sure that the
house with a ten foot fireplace would have a dozen rooms each with
its own maid. But that wouldn't allow for wacky shenanigans now would
it?
Caroline and Simon suggest
that couples pair off and they will take the remaining rooms, then
they leave before anyone can hurt them for the suggestion. Caroline
hopes that it works out because she is fairly certain that her BFF's
are plotting to murder her if it doesn't.
Caroline and Simon banter
about hiking and their rooms sharing a wall.
The guys + Caroline are
hiking and Caroline is thinking about how her friends will react when
they realize they want to sleep with the other beau. Caroline and
Simon are the first to reach the top of the hill and they say how
everything is beautiful before Simon steps close to Caroline and
tension builds. Personally, I'm waiting for a convenient
interruption.
“Simon leaned toward
me, just barely, but almost as if he were going to...
'Parker!' thundered from
below, and we both sprang back.”
“Now that the voodoo
wasn't so concentrated, I could see things clearly again, and I
repeated the word harem over and over again in my head.”
Why does she keep using
Simon's lady friends as an excuse to not bone him? Did she ask all of
her previous one-night stands if they were currently boning anyone
else?
Ryan is there to tell them
that Neil is calling it quits. Simon is bummed because he almost got
make-outs.
“'Besides, if we don't
hurry, we can't tease Neil about getting beat up the mountain by a
girl,' I grinned, and he laughed loudly.”
Must. Resist. Feminist.
Rant. Must. Not. Give. In. To. My. Hate.
How can this book try to be
so progressive and yet still enforce casual misogyny? Simon has
atypical relationships with woman who are only seen as trampy by
Caroline, but otherwise treated with respect. Caroline is fairly
sexually liberated and claims that not all women want the same
things. Caroline is also shown complimenting herself in a way that is
not framed as conceited or egotistical. Yet, we get shit like this
where characters are completely comfortable mocking a man because a
woman was a better athlete. Neil is less of a man because a “girl”
was able to best him, because if he was more of a man, he would
naturally be better than the grown woman who regularly exercises and
performs outdoor sports (note the sarcasm). Okay, I'm done with my
rant.
“'So how was your
gangbang, Caroline?' Sophia sang sweetly...”
Just so no one thinks I'm
over-reacting, the dictionary definition of “gangbang” is several
people raping one person successively. This is not funny. Rape is not
funny. The only rape joke that I have ever found in any way amusing
was Amy Schumer's Friday Night Lights Parody Sorry, Clayton I can't laugh at this.
The guys do spit takes, but
Caroline calmly replies that she was such an excellent sex object that Neil had to give up early.
Caroline thinks about giving
Sophia an easy out and just asking her about her feelings about Neil
but then Sophia (still angry at Caroline for putting her in multiple
awkward situations with Neil) makes a comment about how unflattering
Caroline's shorts are.
“Nope. Not going to
happen. No easy out.”
Why is Caroline evil?
Instead of understanding the difficult situation her long time friend
is in and how that may cause her to say and do things against her
better judgment, Caroline jumps straight to hostility. How does she
have any friends at all?
Sophia asks who is watching Clive. Caroline explains that
Sandford and Anthony from earlier are watching Clive and makes a few
gay stereotype comments, but are we really surprised? Then some more
gay jokes when Mimi comes in.
“'Is this a private
session, or can a non-lesbian get into this bed?'”
In another world, Sophia is
bisexual, pansexual, or gay, and all these little comments about her
being closeted tear her up inside.
Things take a turn for the
exploitative when the guys walk by the open door with the ladies all
on one bed. Not much happens until Ryan winks at Mimi and Sophia gets
uncomfortable because then Caroline says
“I was really going to
have fun with these two tonight.”
and then of course we get a
They are drinking and eating
and everyone is flirting with the person they like. Simon asks
“'How long before they
kiss?'”
My bet is within the next
two chapters. Caroline says she doesn't know but she hopes soon. This
is, of course, a subtle hint that Caroline is hoping she and Simon
will kiss soon but all the subtly is taken out when Caroline narrates
“...I was no longer
talking about our friends. And knowing full well he knew full well I
was no longer talking about our friends.”
Because I wasn't sure I got
it, thanks.
Caroline chants harem in her
head, and The BFF's declare it's hot tub time. Caroline is decidedly
drunk-idy-drunk-drunk. Simon tries to be responsible, but backs off
when he is more or less called a buzzkill.
It's hot tub time and they
are playing truth or dare because we haven't had an attack of plot
convenience in a while. Caroline chooses truth, Mimi asks where she
wants to go that she hasn't. Simon says that is a lame truth, but
they go with it anyway. Caroline says Spain and everyone is all
surprised even though she said she wanted to go there in the chapter
with the non-date. As it turns out Simon is going to Spain and
everyone pressures Caroline into going with Simon, but she gets
snappy and every let's it drop. It's one of the few times I am okay
with bitchy Caroline.
But bitchy Caroline wouldn't
be bitchy Caroline if she didn't dare Mimi to kiss Neil knowing that
no one will enjoy this. They do and Caroline is actually pissed
because they kiss without incident. Again, she is evil. But we
haven't hammered that idea home until Caroline loses her shit and
starts yelling at Neil for kissing Mimi and airing everyone's dirty
laundry and sex life. Simon has to forcibly restrain Caroline from
screaming like a crazy woman, and everyone carries on.
And you know what? It
fucking works. Everyone pairs off with the person they want and
Caroline gets away with throwing verbal shit at everyone.
Consequences? What consequences? They only consequence she sees is
making out with Simon. They both ask
“'Why did you kiss
me?'”
referring to the party that
changed everything. And they both reply.
“'Because I had to'”
And then make outs happen,
but more importantly, the chapter is over. Thank you blessed Minerva.
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