Wallbanger Chapter 9: Lots of Text Messages

Before I get to “Last time” I noticed a decent increase in views on this blog. First of all, let me give a very sincere

it makes me so happy that someone other than me and my bestie are reading this. Secondly, if you have a Facebook account and would like to “like” my group, feel free to. This way you get updates on what is happening and even make suggestions for future Let's Reads. Now, on to the show.

Last time in Wallbanger...there was some relationship development buried under six feet of sex jokes.

Chapter 9

“Text between Caroline and Simon”

Their text conversation is equal parts chat and innuendo. With how much I use the word “innuendo” I may have to start using a thesaurus. Anywho, their chat consists of getting Clive high on catnip, don't take candy from strangers jokes, and an offer to help hang pictures that Simon keeps knocking down with his pelvis.

“Text between Mimi and Caroline”

Um...okay, let's see how far this goes.

Mimi tells Caroline that all of the BFF's are planning a trip to Lake Tahoe to spend time at Sophia's grandparent's vacant house. Caroline is apprehensive because she doesn't want to third wheel.

“Text between Mimi and Neil”

...did Clayton do this just to get around writing in third person?

Mimi tells Neil about the Tahoe plans.

“Text between Simon and Neil”

Is this the entire chapter? Just text messages? Is this like the #OMGShakespeare series?

 It's Shakespeare but told through social media. I actually have no problem with this existing, people are always adapting The Bard.

Neil tells Simon about the Tahoe plans.

“Text between Simon and Caroline”

Okay, almost all of these text are just

but substitute “shopping” for “to Tahoe”. This set of messages does add a little variety when Caroline says

“Mimi can't stop talking about Ryan, who's usually staring like a sad puppy dog at her. And Sophia is so busy mooning over Neil's giant man hands she can't see that he's staring right back at her. Pretty funny.”

How is this funny Caroline? Your friends are pining over someone they are not with but are too afraid to admit it for fear that they will ruin all of their relationships.

Simon says they should switch, Caroline says it's not that easy but Simon insists he will fix it when he gets home. Simon asks if Caroline is going to Tahoe.

“Not if I can help it. Although it would almost be worth it to watch the chaos when they finally figure this out.”

“Text between Caroline and Sophia”

More talk about Tahoe, but this time it's more annoying because Caroline plays dumb when Sophia asks about Neil and Mimi's sex life and because Caroline calls Sophia “Trigger” for some reason. The exact phrase is

“Easy, Trigger. What crawled up your ass?”

And at first I read it as “tiger” but realized there were more letters so, obviously I thought it read “Tigger” because

than I saw that there are two r's. Is this a reference to something? Should I care? Probably not.

“Text between Sophia and Ryan”

When will this end?

Sophia asks Ryan to come over for a date because they only ever double-dated and she asks that he invite Simon to Tahoe.

“Text between Ryan and Simon”

He invites. The answer? Maybe.

“Text between Simon and Caroline”

They decide they will go to Tahoe and Caroline will welcome Simon home with zucchini bread.

“I woke up suddenly and heard music coming from next door. Duke Ellington.”

Actual narration? Praise Lord Xenu! As you guessed

“Simon was home.”

Caroline draws a bath and makes coffee naked (like you do) when a pipe bursts in her apartment and the cries of Caroline and Clive wake up Simon. She grabs a towel and answers the door.

“I practically didn't notice the green plaid boxers, the sleep hair, or the speedbump abs. Practically.”

Glad to know her priorities are in order.

Caroline remembers that she remodels homes for a living and that a shut off valve is probably somewhere. She pulls Simon in and asks where it is

“Even in a crisis Simon took 2.5 seconds to look at my nearly naked body. Okay, I might have taken 3.2 to look at his.”

They shut the water off, and by “they” I mean Simon does while Caroline tries to keep it in her pants. No joke, Simon is working hard to make sure her apartment doesn't flood and Caroline is doing this

“I also kept a close eye on those green plaid boxers, which when wet, clung to him like a second skin.”

All I can say is

They are laying on the wet floor staring into each others eyes when Clive runs into a radio and “Let's get it on” by  Marvin Gaye plays.

“...we both started to laugh – at the chaos, at the ridiculousness, at the sheer insanity of what had just happened and the fact that we were now lying half naked in my kitchen, covered in water, listening to a song that encouraged is to, in fact. “get it on,” and laughing our asses off.”

Well, when you put it like that it sounds contrived.

“'This is like a bad episode of Three's Company.' He chuckled.”

How old are you? Does anyone still watch Three's Company?

He gets up and she stares at his crotch because I would expect nothing less from Caroline. And because she could not walk through the water he has to carry her. You know what? I'm making a Romance Novel Bingo Card, and this will be on it. If you have any suggestions, please comment.

An hour later and they are waiting for the maintenance guy to come in. Caroline is moping because she will be without coffee and a shower. Simon invites her over and we find out that his love of sex is equaled only by his love of zucchini bread.

Caroline is looking at all of the pictures on Simon's wall. She notices one of a beautiful woman and asks

“One of your harem?”

Why does she think that every woman has to bone Simon?

“He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. 'Not every woman has made a trip to my bed, you know.'”

I think this is the first romance novel where I like the love interest more than anyone else.

They chat about his job. Simon is all worldly and has little jars of sand from beaches he has visited around the world.

“I looked more closely at the bottles and marveled over the names I saw: Harbour Island – Bahamas, Prince William Sound – Alaska, Punaluu – Hawaii...”

Okay, this is a “me problem” because I'm Native Hawaiian, but I have to share this with all y'all even though it has no impact on the story.

1. It's not Punaluu it's Punalu'u. That seems minor but it changes pronunciation because the “ ' ” adds an extra syllable or a silent space between the two vowels (if you have had any vocal training, it's a glottal stop). So the phonetic pronunciation goes from Pu-nə-loo to Pu-nə-lu-u. SIDE NOTE: For whatever reason, people who are unfamiliar with the Hawaiian language have a really hard time pronouncing this.
2. Just Punalu'u, Hawai'i is a rural area on O'ahu. There is a water front, but I don't think there is a beach. (Sorry, I haven't memorized the landscape of all the islands)
3. Punalu'u Beach, more commonly known as the black sand beach, is probably where he actually went.

Sorry, I had to. We can get back to story time now.

Simon waxes philosophical about bringing back a piece of the beaches he goes to. Caroline tells Simon about her travels

“'I try to go somewhere each year – not as fancy as you, or as frequent...”

Says the woman who had to “settle” for Machu Picchu. Hell, the closest I will ever get to Machu Picchu is having Machamp and Picchu on my team.

Get it?

They chat about how they are friends now, and how Katie is seeing someone but she and Simon are still friends. All I'm thinking is "and then there were two..."

But really what bugs me about this chat is that Simon says

“'I have to tell you, this is frankly the strangest conversation I've ever had with a woman.'”

Does he not talk to his female friends about his relationships? He can be private all he wants but he is just explaining why he and Katie and not banging. My guy friends tell me about their romantic lives all the time, does this mean I am no longer a woman to them? Did I lose my fem-card? Do I have a fem-card? Are there membership dues I'm behind on?

Simon finally tells Caroline to stop saying “harem” and we learn how Simon met all these women. Katie was a friend from college. Nadia was a model he met in Prague that just so happened to move to San Fran post-retirement. I find it odd how he did a random fashion shoot when he is a photojournalist, but I'm also supposed to believe that she randomly chose to go to college where Simon lives, so I guess that is the level of sense this all makes.

Lastly, there is Lizzie, an attorney that Simon met in London whose main client just so happens to live in? You guessed it, San Francisco.

They then have a bizarre conversation where Simon says that the women in his life are happy with their relationship and a commitment would be difficult when he is always away. But then Caroline says that

“'...not all women want the same thing. We don't all want the picket fence.'”

Which is true and proved in context by Simon's unconventionally relations. But Simon says

“'Every woman I've ever dated had said she doesn't, but then she does. And that's cool...'”

So he thinks that all women want a commitment except the one's he is sleeping with? I am confused. Either way, he amends his statement.

Caroline talks about how she would like a guy who travels because she likes her space.

Caroline: Is it do hard to believe a hot, sexy woman with a great career doesn't need a man to be happy?

Simon: First of all, bully for you for calling yourself hot and sexy – because it's true. It's nice to see a woman give herself a compliment instead of fishing for one. And second, I'm not talking about getting married here, I'm talking about dating. You know, hanging out? Casually?

1. I hate that this is the long version of “you're not like other girls” and I hate that phrase
2. I am adding “you're not like other girls” to Romance Bingo.
3. Not all people who make self-deprecating comments are fishing for compliments. I think it bothers me because the person giving the compliment is socially obligated to do so and therefore whatever they say is (potentially) insincere, and because the subtext is you need someone else to validate your existence.
4. His second point makes sense but Caroline doesn't really answer so they change topics slightly.

Simon asks Caroline if she has ever been in love. She has. She explains that her ex wanted an at home wife and that wasn't for her. The maintenance guy shows up and Caroline and Simon part ways reaffirming their friendship.

While maintenance dude is working on the pipe, Caroline is texting Simon

“Damn, he have great text.”

wow haven't had to use this in a while

Simon asks if she is sleeping with anyone. She uses *ahem* more colorful language. He calls her crass, which she is. She says she is not sharing her bed of late and the chapter closes with him banging his head against the wall and texting

“You're killing me, Nightie Girl”

I had to. It's practically required by the laws of pop culture references.