Wallbanger Chapter 10: Non-Dates

Last time in Wallbanger...we got to read the transcripts from everyone's text messages, and Caroline had a plumbing emergency that brought her and Simon closer together.

Chapter 10

WARNING: This chapter is twice as long as the last, so this maybe a long entry. You have been warned.

Caroline is sitting in her office trying not to think about Simon.

Caroline goes to yoga after work and comes home to Simon demanding zucchini bread. Oh and he sniffed her.

“'Mmm-hmm, very nice. Just get back from a workout?'”

Caroline calls bs and Simon says he is sincere. They get to her apartment and he is all

“'Simon says gimme it'”

She says he has a problem and he replies with

“'Yes, I'm in BA. Bakers Anonymous. We meet over at the bakery on Pine.'”

Which I will admit, was kind of funny. They have dinner and Caroline gets all fluttery in tummy. They talk of when Simon went to Vietnam.

“'Sounds wonderful, but I hate Vietnamese food.'”

You have to be Phở-king kidding me. I'm terrible, sorry.

Simon is touching Caroline's hand and the moment gets “intense.”

“Lower Caroline was, of course, responding, but now Heart began to beat a little wildly as well.”

I forgot to mention this early, but she occasionally personifies her vagina, heart, and brain. This has become a trend in books lately and I don't know why.

Anyway...

Clive gets in the way of possible sexy times. No kissing just yet, just looks of longing. Simon goes to leave and we find out Clive peed on the sweater Simon took off. Caroline is embarrassed and Simon is a complete gentleman.

Caroline is having another wet dream. Again, trust me on this. She wakes up screaming his name and Simon chuckling on the other side of the wall.

Caroline is at work waiting to meet a new important client. Who apparently is

“'...cute, cute, cute!'”

according to the receptionist. So of course it is Caroline's ex.

Two hours later, Caroline and Jillian are talking about how Caroline's life is ruled by coincidences. She agreed to work with her ex, even though he was a manipulative dick who didn't understand “it's over” (I really hope Simon doesn't “save” her from him at some point). She describes his past actions and I think he is here so I will hate someone more than Caroline, who I have disliked for being mean spirited. The guy uses the phrase “feminine fit” when a woman is mad.

but Caroline has plans to have drinks with him to catch up.

Caroline is getting ready for her non-date. As she is leaving, Simon asks if she wants to come over to watch a movie. They make plans for the next evening and Caroline says she will make pie. Simon stares a little moonie eye'd.

“'Why, sir, you look like you've seen something you'd like to eat,' I offered in my best Scarlett.”

You are no Viven Leigh, but very few people are

Simon and James meet and are like this

James and Caroline go to dinner with Simon looking on with sad eyes.

They get to the bar.

“It seemed very James: chic and sophisticated, and laced with hidden sexuality.”

How does one hide their sexuality? Or does she mean that James and the bar are in the closet? Is the bar a closet? Is this an elaborate pun?

James orders his drink but realizes that it may have changed since they last drank together. I guess this is supposed to mean he is attempting to change. He says that he is not trying to get her back but still just calls her a “decorator” which she rightfully finds insulting. She thinks about his trust fund and how that means she had a blank slate apartment to design with an unlimited budget. Their noon-date winds down and isn't terrible. He takes her home and we get a

It's the next day and Caroline is baking for her non-date with Simon, who comes over to help. There is some flirting that I'm going to skip because it is much like the flirting we have seen and nothing is particularly interesting. However, I will pick on her baking technique.

“...thrusting the pin back and forth over the dough, making sure I arched my back each time and the forward action pushed my girls together.”

That is literally bad form, she is going to hurt herself. On the bright side, I think I know where they got the idea for that Spiderman cover that J Scott Campbell did.

She also has some lurid fantasies about his flour covered hands but that just makes me think of infections. It's all fun and games until Simon two-hands her butt. You see, Caroline told him to clean his hands and so he thought grab ass was the best way. This is not something anyone should do to someone they only kind of know, especially when Caroline has made it clear that she has no interest in him. Yeah, we as the audience know better, and she has flirted with him, but a vocal no over rides all that.

Caroline does tell him as much but she says so with a playful giggle, which translates to “I don't actually mind.” All I have to say is

And then there is this.

“When I asked for more sugar, he sugared. When I asked for more cinnamon, he complied. When I asked him to squeeze the lemon, he lemoned so well I had trouble keeping my in my mouth and off his throat.”

How does one squeeze a lemon sexily? I have baked before, I have been around people baking before, but never have I felt the need to pounce someone because they know how to handle citrus. Okay, maybe Alton Brown.

Caroline feeds Simon a piece of apple and he licks her fingers. She thinks it's all sexy and this is supposed to be a super sexy moment but she says

“'Gah'”

Gah? There is no sexy way to say gah. I can't think of a way to gah without it sounding like a cartoon sound effect. I could not stop laughing, but Simon and Caroline are caught in heated stares until her phone rings.

It's Mimi and Sophia, sans boys, they are drinking and when they hear Simon's voice they start asking if people are naked or not. Caroline hangs up.

This page break opens with them talking as if they have had sex but we all know they just had dinner. How do I know? Because this is not the type of book to fade to black on the sex. I guess this was supposed to be funny.

Anyway...

Simon made meatballs.

“After no less than seven jokes about balls and mouths, I had to agree they were the best balls I had ever had in my mouth.”

Simon cleans up and Caroline talks about how hot it was to watch him cook. Then they watch The Exorcist which people insist is terrifying but never really bothered me. Of course, Caroline is scared of the movie and I am adding that to the Bingo Card.

Caroline gets so scared that she follows him to the bathroom but he refuses to let her come inside while he uses it, cause gross. When they get back, he offers to turn off the movie, but she just asks that he does not bang her wall for a while. He replies with

“'Have you heard any banging lately?'”

Then she realizes she hasn't and before they can get into the whys, spooky things happen in the movie. Oh no, but I so want to know why Simon isn't having loud sex in his apartment. Maybe he is having loud sex at other people's apartment. Who are we kidding, we know what has happened. Simon will soon confess his love to baked goods and elope in Vegas.

Eventually, they are both hiding under a blanket and watching the movie.

Caroline is in bed and Clive scares her enough for her to call Simon and ask him to come over. He brings pie and the blanket they used during the movie and we find out that Simon is 28 and Caroline is 26...

They make sweet, sweet innuendo to each other until Simon asks about her ex. His name is James Brown and jokes are wanted to be made but I've got nothing.

They chat and Caroline looks over at Simon.

“Did he want to nook me?

Did I want to nook him?”

Well, the Nook is a great device if you are looking for...Oh wait, you were talking about snuggling. Who calls it that?

Anywho, they snuggle and Simon is confused by the intimacy when Caroline has been all about not sharing a bed with him. She says that they can snuggle as friends. He says that if she was wearing her pink nightie than he would be all Casanova, but what Simon fails to realize is that no one plays Casanova like David Tennant

After that, who else can compare?

As they cuddle, she compliments his blanket and he says it was his mothers before they fall asleep together with all of the lights on. And that's it. I'm a little proud of myself for getting through so much of that without making this blog entry longer than normal. Yay, me!