Last time in Wallbanger...the pair
arrived in Spain, there were some bad old jokes, they made out a
bunch and Simon tried valiantly to confess his feelings to Caroline
but she was too busy focusing on sex.
Chapter 17
Caroline wakes up because
she feels “a great rumbling” and thinks she is in the middle of
an earth quake. She's not. It's just Simon snoring. I'm sure all long
time California residents will tell you that snoring and massive
earthquakes feel the same.
“True to form, I'd
taken over most of the bed in the night...”
Caroline managed to take up
almost all of the world's largest bed that was previously described
as “the bed to end all beds”? Was all of that emphasis just for
hyperbole?
After they talk about their
respective sleeping habits and a quick breakfast, they go into town
and Caroline decides that this traveling with Simon business is
“cool. Just cool.” Apparently, this is because they have the same
quiet take-it-all-in method of exploring new places. I wouldn't know,
I can hardly afford to get to work let alone anywhere new.
Anyway...
Simon has to work and
Caroline says
“nothing, and I mean
nothing, was hotter than watching Simon work.”
Because watching a
photographer line up a shot for an hour is the height of sensuality.
Swoon. That's a lie. He wasn't lining up a shot for an hour. He was
doing test shots for an undetermined amount of time. Meaning, he was
taking pictures from a bunch of angles, with a bunch of lenses, for
as long as it took for the natural lighting to do what he wants.
Although this does add to
the list of “blank = sex”. Now we have photography = sex.
Caroline talks about the
different parts of her personality: Heart, Brain, Backbone, Nerves
and of course Lower Caroline or LC because
“Lower Caroline wanted
a hip but abbreviated name”
Perhaps Caroline needs a
visit from the nice men in white who come with special jackets.
Especially, as she has an internal battle over what to call Simon's
penis.
“While I didn't much
like the term penis, internally I felt strange about calling
him dick or cock, so penis it was...for now.”
You know, the book I'm
reading now is The Shepherd's Crown by Terry Pratchett. I could be
reading about Tiffany Aching struggle after the death of Granny
Weatherwax as her old enemy the Queen of the Fairies loses control
over her elven army. But no, I'm reading about a 26 year old woman
who is both obsessed with sex and yet can't bring herself to call her
lovers penis by it's anatomical name.
Anyway...
Caroline complains about how
confused she is. On the one hand, she wants to bone Simon yesterday,
but on the other hand, she wants to wait and build up their
relationship first.
“No wonder I had sworn
off dating. This shit was tough.”
- She swore off dating because she found it emotionally and sexually unfulfilling, not because she was conflicted.
- If “is it too soon to have sex” is the hardest question in your relationship, then you are fine. Especially, when there aren't any social or moral hang ups involved.
She then spends a paragraph
trying to name Simon's penis because
“It deserved it.
Mammoth Male Member? No. Pulsating Pillar of Passion? No. Back Door
Bandit? Hell no. Wang? Sounded like the noise those doorstopper
things made when you flicked 'em...”
Again, Esme Weatherwax is
dead, yet I'm not reading about that. I'm reading about a 26 year old
college graduate career woman trying to name her lover's genitals
because the word penis is too icky. How did I get here? Where did I
go wrong? What's worse is that I can't stop. Partly for you, gentle
reader, but also because I'm in too deep. There is less than 100
pages left. I have to finish it.
Simon asks Caroline to stand
in the foreground of a picture for perspective for him. Caroline
initially refuses because she thinks she is a mess, but eventually
relents. There is some messy clementine eating and a selfie with his
fancy camera.
The couple are having
dinner, they talk about how odd it is that this is their first date.
They talk about what makes a date, what base he is allowed to get to
(they actually use the word base) and Caroline blushes furiously. I
somehow don't see Caroline as the blushing type. If yelling at your
best friends and telling them who they should be sleeping with
doesn't get a blush out of her, then Simon asking when it is
appropriate to cop a feel probably wouldn't.
Make outs and groping
happens. It's fairly standard erotica but I find one thing funny.
Caroline narrates
“What was crassly
called 'under the shirt action' became part of a romance...”
Really? She thinks that
“under the shirt action” is crass when it's about the least
gauche thing to come out of her mouth yet? Just wow.
Caroline talk about how
luxurious her trip is.
“Were we being
ridiculous, waiting until the last night in Spain to consummate this
thing'? Probably, but who the hell cared? He spent almost an hour
kissing every inch of my legs one night, and I spent about the same
amount of time having a conversation with his belly button.”
An hour? A fecking hour?
That's crazy long. How do they not get bored? For perspective, you
can watch either a full episode of House, 3 episodes of most animes,
or most of a movie in that time. You can cross multiple borders in
Europe in that time. According to Iron Chef, you can make a five
course meal in that time. I can grind out 5 levels in WOW in that
time. And all they did was cover her legs and his stomach in saliva?
That seems wildly inefficient.
But wait! There's more. She
is cooking dinner and Simon comes in after a shower and she pounces
him. As she is going down on him I thinking about the food on the
burner she neglected and wondering how on fire the place would have
to be to get Caroline to focus on something other than sex. Best
guess? Third degree burns would need to be a problem first.
“My lips purred...”
How does manage to get her
lips and only her lips to purr? Cause I'm just thinking of the
buzzing that brass players have to do to their mouthpieces.
Anyway...
Simon cums and wants to
return the favor, but Caroline says not tonight, but definitely
tomorrow night (which probably means the next chapter). We get a page
break and a brief but ominous warning from Caroline's Nerves that
something is going to go wrong soon.
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