Last time in Wallbanger...Simon is
single, the world rejoiced, he and Caroline are sorta in a
relationship, and they get on the plane to Spain.
Chapter 16
“We did it too soon. We
should have waited.”
Yeah, my writing-senses are
tingling and they are telling me that this about something innocuous
and not sex related.
“'Well, for starters,
you're holding it upside down,' I shot back, grabbing the map and
turning it right side up.”
So yeah, the suggestive
conversation about doing too soon was about directions and makes less
and less sense the more you think about what they were saying and
what they were meaning to say. But hey, why not structure your
dialogue around a joke. And the laughs don't stop there, we get a
“men don't ask for directions” joke in the very next paragraph.
Hardy-har-har.
They play the blame game but
pause to talk about churros (because Spain) and how distracting
eating them can be.
Caroline: Can I make a
suggestion?
Simon: It is a lewd
suggestion?
I feel like Clayton meant
that to read “Is it” and not “It is” because then why would
she have a question mark at the end?
Anyway...
The scandalous suggestion
she makes is to use GPS and while Simon scoffs at first because “only
pussies use GPS” Caroline is able to convince him with her
feminine wiles. Yay, outmoded gender stereotypes!
Caroline talks about how
they are taking it slow
“He was wooing me. And
I was letting him woo. I wanted the woo. I deserved the woo. I needed
the wow that would surely follow the woo, but for now, the woo? It
was whoa.”
It would be really funny if,
when they finally do bang, it isn't as “wow” as she wants it to
be. That won't happen, because this is a romance novel, but it would
be hilarious.
Makes out happen.
“I sighed, the tiniest
whimper...”
What is it with people using
the word “whimper” during supposedly sexy scenes. It literally
means “to cry with low, plaintive, broken sounds.” If one or both
of your main couple is making low, plaintive, broken sounds during
satisfying consensual sexy times, something is wrong. Nothing is
wrong here though. Despite whimpers to the contrary, Caroline and
Simon are having grand old make outs. Good for them.
Simon makes a crack about
kissing jack 'o' lanterns because Caroline can't stop smiling and
Caroline says
“'We're in Spain,
Simon. Grinning is implied'”
Clayton, that's not how the
word “implied” works. If the grinning was “implied” then she
wouldn't be literally grinning.
They get to the house they
are renting in Nerja and watch the sun set over the Mediterranean
Sea. I'm not going to put a lot of that here, because it's not
necessary for this Let's Read, but I will give Clayton credit. It's a
good scene, establishes the setting nicely and it's refreshing to
have Simon and Caroline just existing near each other and not
bantering non-stop.
They explore the house
together, find the world's largest bed.
“It was the bed to end
all beds. It was the bed that all the little beds aspired to be when
they grew up. It was bed heaven. […] I had a lovely case of
performance anxiety”
But you said you were
letting him woo you and that you wanted to take things slow. I guess
I took that to meant that you wouldn't bone on this trip, but now I
suppose what she meant was “We didn't bone last night, but we will
probably bone soon.”
Caroline makes the decision
to just let the chips fall where they may and not put any pressure on
either to preform. Which I find mature to the point of questioning if
this is in-line with her character, but I like it so who am I to
complain?
Caroline name drops some fancy foods and they chat about their plans. They take a moonlit stroll down the beach and Caroline tells Simon she likes holding his hand.
“Witty banter had its
place, but sometimes, all you need is the truth.”
Praise be! That has been my
problem this whole book. It has way more style than substance and now
that Clayton is actually giving me something substantial I couldn't
be happier. This is still not my favorite, but this isn't as much of
a chore to get through. It's weirdly nice.
Simon talks about how his
parents truly loved each other and how false it always felt when he
saw other people hold hands and say sweet-nothings. I want to be
offended because me and my SO always call each other by pet names and
are (according to others) disgustingly saccharine, but I will accept
his complaint as that of a young man wounded. Besides, the overall,
effect is nice because we see Simon vulnerable.
Caroline and Simon have
decided to sleep in separate beds, but make out on Caroline's bed for
good measure.
“My shirt bunched up
around my waist, and the feeling of his hi-there against my hoohah
was indescribable.”
Hi-there? Hoohah? What is
this? Porn by way of Sesame Street? No, actually, Jim Henson puppets
have had way more graphic gigs than this.
“He flipped me about
like a rag doll...”
I know I just made the Jim
Henson joke, but this seriously reminds me of the opening sketch
from the old Muppet Show with Rita Moreno dancing/throwing the full
size muppet around. Classic.
Anyway...
Simon pauses the make outs
to say he doesn't want to mess this up and Caroline doesn't seem to
get that he isn't talking about sex.
Simon: I have no
experience with this.
Caroline: I have a wall
back home that would disagree with that.
Why is Caroline so sex
crazed? I'm not saying that she can't be, but I don't understand why
everything equals sex with her. Baking = Sex. Traveling = Sex.
Friends = Sex. E = MCSex. You think I'm joking but when Simon says
“I really like you,
Caroline. But I haven't had a girlfriend since high school, and I
have no clue how to do this. But you need to know, that what I feel
for you? Shit, it's just different, okay? And, whatever your wall
would say back home, I need you to know that this? What we have, or
will have? It's different, okay? You know that, right?”
Any sane, rational person
would think that he is, more or less, making a love declaration. But
Caroline thinks
“He was telling me I
was different, that I was no replacement for the harem.”
She is getting to the point
of willful ignorance, and I'm just glad the chapter ends before this
comic misunderstanding can go any further.
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