Wallbanger Chapter 10: Non-Dates

Last time in Wallbanger...we got to read the transcripts from everyone's text messages, and Caroline had a plumbing emergency that brought her and Simon closer together.

Chapter 10

WARNING: This chapter is twice as long as the last, so this maybe a long entry. You have been warned.

Caroline is sitting in her office trying not to think about Simon.

Caroline goes to yoga after work and comes home to Simon demanding zucchini bread. Oh and he sniffed her.

“'Mmm-hmm, very nice. Just get back from a workout?'”

Caroline calls bs and Simon says he is sincere. They get to her apartment and he is all

“'Simon says gimme it'”

She says he has a problem and he replies with

“'Yes, I'm in BA. Bakers Anonymous. We meet over at the bakery on Pine.'”

Which I will admit, was kind of funny. They have dinner and Caroline gets all fluttery in tummy. They talk of when Simon went to Vietnam.

“'Sounds wonderful, but I hate Vietnamese food.'”

You have to be Phở-king kidding me. I'm terrible, sorry.

Simon is touching Caroline's hand and the moment gets “intense.”

“Lower Caroline was, of course, responding, but now Heart began to beat a little wildly as well.”

I forgot to mention this early, but she occasionally personifies her vagina, heart, and brain. This has become a trend in books lately and I don't know why.

Anyway...

Clive gets in the way of possible sexy times. No kissing just yet, just looks of longing. Simon goes to leave and we find out Clive peed on the sweater Simon took off. Caroline is embarrassed and Simon is a complete gentleman.

Caroline is having another wet dream. Again, trust me on this. She wakes up screaming his name and Simon chuckling on the other side of the wall.

Caroline is at work waiting to meet a new important client. Who apparently is

“'...cute, cute, cute!'”

according to the receptionist. So of course it is Caroline's ex.

Two hours later, Caroline and Jillian are talking about how Caroline's life is ruled by coincidences. She agreed to work with her ex, even though he was a manipulative dick who didn't understand “it's over” (I really hope Simon doesn't “save” her from him at some point). She describes his past actions and I think he is here so I will hate someone more than Caroline, who I have disliked for being mean spirited. The guy uses the phrase “feminine fit” when a woman is mad.

but Caroline has plans to have drinks with him to catch up.

Caroline is getting ready for her non-date. As she is leaving, Simon asks if she wants to come over to watch a movie. They make plans for the next evening and Caroline says she will make pie. Simon stares a little moonie eye'd.

“'Why, sir, you look like you've seen something you'd like to eat,' I offered in my best Scarlett.”

You are no Viven Leigh, but very few people are

Simon and James meet and are like this

James and Caroline go to dinner with Simon looking on with sad eyes.

They get to the bar.

“It seemed very James: chic and sophisticated, and laced with hidden sexuality.”

How does one hide their sexuality? Or does she mean that James and the bar are in the closet? Is the bar a closet? Is this an elaborate pun?

James orders his drink but realizes that it may have changed since they last drank together. I guess this is supposed to mean he is attempting to change. He says that he is not trying to get her back but still just calls her a “decorator” which she rightfully finds insulting. She thinks about his trust fund and how that means she had a blank slate apartment to design with an unlimited budget. Their noon-date winds down and isn't terrible. He takes her home and we get a

It's the next day and Caroline is baking for her non-date with Simon, who comes over to help. There is some flirting that I'm going to skip because it is much like the flirting we have seen and nothing is particularly interesting. However, I will pick on her baking technique.

“...thrusting the pin back and forth over the dough, making sure I arched my back each time and the forward action pushed my girls together.”

That is literally bad form, she is going to hurt herself. On the bright side, I think I know where they got the idea for that Spiderman cover that J Scott Campbell did.

She also has some lurid fantasies about his flour covered hands but that just makes me think of infections. It's all fun and games until Simon two-hands her butt. You see, Caroline told him to clean his hands and so he thought grab ass was the best way. This is not something anyone should do to someone they only kind of know, especially when Caroline has made it clear that she has no interest in him. Yeah, we as the audience know better, and she has flirted with him, but a vocal no over rides all that.

Caroline does tell him as much but she says so with a playful giggle, which translates to “I don't actually mind.” All I have to say is

And then there is this.

“When I asked for more sugar, he sugared. When I asked for more cinnamon, he complied. When I asked him to squeeze the lemon, he lemoned so well I had trouble keeping my in my mouth and off his throat.”

How does one squeeze a lemon sexily? I have baked before, I have been around people baking before, but never have I felt the need to pounce someone because they know how to handle citrus. Okay, maybe Alton Brown.

Caroline feeds Simon a piece of apple and he licks her fingers. She thinks it's all sexy and this is supposed to be a super sexy moment but she says

“'Gah'”

Gah? There is no sexy way to say gah. I can't think of a way to gah without it sounding like a cartoon sound effect. I could not stop laughing, but Simon and Caroline are caught in heated stares until her phone rings.

It's Mimi and Sophia, sans boys, they are drinking and when they hear Simon's voice they start asking if people are naked or not. Caroline hangs up.

This page break opens with them talking as if they have had sex but we all know they just had dinner. How do I know? Because this is not the type of book to fade to black on the sex. I guess this was supposed to be funny.

Anyway...

Simon made meatballs.

“After no less than seven jokes about balls and mouths, I had to agree they were the best balls I had ever had in my mouth.”

Simon cleans up and Caroline talks about how hot it was to watch him cook. Then they watch The Exorcist which people insist is terrifying but never really bothered me. Of course, Caroline is scared of the movie and I am adding that to the Bingo Card.

Caroline gets so scared that she follows him to the bathroom but he refuses to let her come inside while he uses it, cause gross. When they get back, he offers to turn off the movie, but she just asks that he does not bang her wall for a while. He replies with

“'Have you heard any banging lately?'”

Then she realizes she hasn't and before they can get into the whys, spooky things happen in the movie. Oh no, but I so want to know why Simon isn't having loud sex in his apartment. Maybe he is having loud sex at other people's apartment. Who are we kidding, we know what has happened. Simon will soon confess his love to baked goods and elope in Vegas.

Eventually, they are both hiding under a blanket and watching the movie.

Caroline is in bed and Clive scares her enough for her to call Simon and ask him to come over. He brings pie and the blanket they used during the movie and we find out that Simon is 28 and Caroline is 26...

They make sweet, sweet innuendo to each other until Simon asks about her ex. His name is James Brown and jokes are wanted to be made but I've got nothing.

They chat and Caroline looks over at Simon.

“Did he want to nook me?

Did I want to nook him?”

Well, the Nook is a great device if you are looking for...Oh wait, you were talking about snuggling. Who calls it that?

Anywho, they snuggle and Simon is confused by the intimacy when Caroline has been all about not sharing a bed with him. She says that they can snuggle as friends. He says that if she was wearing her pink nightie than he would be all Casanova, but what Simon fails to realize is that no one plays Casanova like David Tennant

After that, who else can compare?

As they cuddle, she compliments his blanket and he says it was his mothers before they fall asleep together with all of the lights on. And that's it. I'm a little proud of myself for getting through so much of that without making this blog entry longer than normal. Yay, me!

Wallbanger Chapter 9: Lots of Text Messages

Before I get to “Last time” I noticed a decent increase in views on this blog. First of all, let me give a very sincere

it makes me so happy that someone other than me and my bestie are reading this. Secondly, if you have a Facebook account and would like to “like” my group, feel free to. This way you get updates on what is happening and even make suggestions for future Let's Reads. Now, on to the show.

Last time in Wallbanger...there was some relationship development buried under six feet of sex jokes.

Chapter 9

“Text between Caroline and Simon”

Their text conversation is equal parts chat and innuendo. With how much I use the word “innuendo” I may have to start using a thesaurus. Anywho, their chat consists of getting Clive high on catnip, don't take candy from strangers jokes, and an offer to help hang pictures that Simon keeps knocking down with his pelvis.

“Text between Mimi and Caroline”

Um...okay, let's see how far this goes.

Mimi tells Caroline that all of the BFF's are planning a trip to Lake Tahoe to spend time at Sophia's grandparent's vacant house. Caroline is apprehensive because she doesn't want to third wheel.

“Text between Mimi and Neil”

...did Clayton do this just to get around writing in third person?

Mimi tells Neil about the Tahoe plans.

“Text between Simon and Neil”

Is this the entire chapter? Just text messages? Is this like the #OMGShakespeare series?

 It's Shakespeare but told through social media. I actually have no problem with this existing, people are always adapting The Bard.

Neil tells Simon about the Tahoe plans.

“Text between Simon and Caroline”

Okay, almost all of these text are just

but substitute “shopping” for “to Tahoe”. This set of messages does add a little variety when Caroline says

“Mimi can't stop talking about Ryan, who's usually staring like a sad puppy dog at her. And Sophia is so busy mooning over Neil's giant man hands she can't see that he's staring right back at her. Pretty funny.”

How is this funny Caroline? Your friends are pining over someone they are not with but are too afraid to admit it for fear that they will ruin all of their relationships.

Simon says they should switch, Caroline says it's not that easy but Simon insists he will fix it when he gets home. Simon asks if Caroline is going to Tahoe.

“Not if I can help it. Although it would almost be worth it to watch the chaos when they finally figure this out.”

“Text between Caroline and Sophia”

More talk about Tahoe, but this time it's more annoying because Caroline plays dumb when Sophia asks about Neil and Mimi's sex life and because Caroline calls Sophia “Trigger” for some reason. The exact phrase is

“Easy, Trigger. What crawled up your ass?”

And at first I read it as “tiger” but realized there were more letters so, obviously I thought it read “Tigger” because

than I saw that there are two r's. Is this a reference to something? Should I care? Probably not.

“Text between Sophia and Ryan”

When will this end?

Sophia asks Ryan to come over for a date because they only ever double-dated and she asks that he invite Simon to Tahoe.

“Text between Ryan and Simon”

He invites. The answer? Maybe.

“Text between Simon and Caroline”

They decide they will go to Tahoe and Caroline will welcome Simon home with zucchini bread.

“I woke up suddenly and heard music coming from next door. Duke Ellington.”

Actual narration? Praise Lord Xenu! As you guessed

“Simon was home.”

Caroline draws a bath and makes coffee naked (like you do) when a pipe bursts in her apartment and the cries of Caroline and Clive wake up Simon. She grabs a towel and answers the door.

“I practically didn't notice the green plaid boxers, the sleep hair, or the speedbump abs. Practically.”

Glad to know her priorities are in order.

Caroline remembers that she remodels homes for a living and that a shut off valve is probably somewhere. She pulls Simon in and asks where it is

“Even in a crisis Simon took 2.5 seconds to look at my nearly naked body. Okay, I might have taken 3.2 to look at his.”

They shut the water off, and by “they” I mean Simon does while Caroline tries to keep it in her pants. No joke, Simon is working hard to make sure her apartment doesn't flood and Caroline is doing this

“I also kept a close eye on those green plaid boxers, which when wet, clung to him like a second skin.”

All I can say is

They are laying on the wet floor staring into each others eyes when Clive runs into a radio and “Let's get it on” by  Marvin Gaye plays.

“...we both started to laugh – at the chaos, at the ridiculousness, at the sheer insanity of what had just happened and the fact that we were now lying half naked in my kitchen, covered in water, listening to a song that encouraged is to, in fact. “get it on,” and laughing our asses off.”

Well, when you put it like that it sounds contrived.

“'This is like a bad episode of Three's Company.' He chuckled.”

How old are you? Does anyone still watch Three's Company?

He gets up and she stares at his crotch because I would expect nothing less from Caroline. And because she could not walk through the water he has to carry her. You know what? I'm making a Romance Novel Bingo Card, and this will be on it. If you have any suggestions, please comment.

An hour later and they are waiting for the maintenance guy to come in. Caroline is moping because she will be without coffee and a shower. Simon invites her over and we find out that his love of sex is equaled only by his love of zucchini bread.

Caroline is looking at all of the pictures on Simon's wall. She notices one of a beautiful woman and asks

“One of your harem?”

Why does she think that every woman has to bone Simon?

“He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. 'Not every woman has made a trip to my bed, you know.'”

I think this is the first romance novel where I like the love interest more than anyone else.

They chat about his job. Simon is all worldly and has little jars of sand from beaches he has visited around the world.

“I looked more closely at the bottles and marveled over the names I saw: Harbour Island – Bahamas, Prince William Sound – Alaska, Punaluu – Hawaii...”

Okay, this is a “me problem” because I'm Native Hawaiian, but I have to share this with all y'all even though it has no impact on the story.

1. It's not Punaluu it's Punalu'u. That seems minor but it changes pronunciation because the “ ' ” adds an extra syllable or a silent space between the two vowels (if you have had any vocal training, it's a glottal stop). So the phonetic pronunciation goes from Pu-nə-loo to Pu-nə-lu-u. SIDE NOTE: For whatever reason, people who are unfamiliar with the Hawaiian language have a really hard time pronouncing this.
2. Just Punalu'u, Hawai'i is a rural area on O'ahu. There is a water front, but I don't think there is a beach. (Sorry, I haven't memorized the landscape of all the islands)
3. Punalu'u Beach, more commonly known as the black sand beach, is probably where he actually went.

Sorry, I had to. We can get back to story time now.

Simon waxes philosophical about bringing back a piece of the beaches he goes to. Caroline tells Simon about her travels

“'I try to go somewhere each year – not as fancy as you, or as frequent...”

Says the woman who had to “settle” for Machu Picchu. Hell, the closest I will ever get to Machu Picchu is having Machamp and Picchu on my team.

Get it?

They chat about how they are friends now, and how Katie is seeing someone but she and Simon are still friends. All I'm thinking is "and then there were two..."

But really what bugs me about this chat is that Simon says

“'I have to tell you, this is frankly the strangest conversation I've ever had with a woman.'”

Does he not talk to his female friends about his relationships? He can be private all he wants but he is just explaining why he and Katie and not banging. My guy friends tell me about their romantic lives all the time, does this mean I am no longer a woman to them? Did I lose my fem-card? Do I have a fem-card? Are there membership dues I'm behind on?

Simon finally tells Caroline to stop saying “harem” and we learn how Simon met all these women. Katie was a friend from college. Nadia was a model he met in Prague that just so happened to move to San Fran post-retirement. I find it odd how he did a random fashion shoot when he is a photojournalist, but I'm also supposed to believe that she randomly chose to go to college where Simon lives, so I guess that is the level of sense this all makes.

Lastly, there is Lizzie, an attorney that Simon met in London whose main client just so happens to live in? You guessed it, San Francisco.

They then have a bizarre conversation where Simon says that the women in his life are happy with their relationship and a commitment would be difficult when he is always away. But then Caroline says that

“'...not all women want the same thing. We don't all want the picket fence.'”

Which is true and proved in context by Simon's unconventionally relations. But Simon says

“'Every woman I've ever dated had said she doesn't, but then she does. And that's cool...'”

So he thinks that all women want a commitment except the one's he is sleeping with? I am confused. Either way, he amends his statement.

Caroline talks about how she would like a guy who travels because she likes her space.

Caroline: Is it do hard to believe a hot, sexy woman with a great career doesn't need a man to be happy?

Simon: First of all, bully for you for calling yourself hot and sexy – because it's true. It's nice to see a woman give herself a compliment instead of fishing for one. And second, I'm not talking about getting married here, I'm talking about dating. You know, hanging out? Casually?

1. I hate that this is the long version of “you're not like other girls” and I hate that phrase
2. I am adding “you're not like other girls” to Romance Bingo.
3. Not all people who make self-deprecating comments are fishing for compliments. I think it bothers me because the person giving the compliment is socially obligated to do so and therefore whatever they say is (potentially) insincere, and because the subtext is you need someone else to validate your existence.
4. His second point makes sense but Caroline doesn't really answer so they change topics slightly.

Simon asks Caroline if she has ever been in love. She has. She explains that her ex wanted an at home wife and that wasn't for her. The maintenance guy shows up and Caroline and Simon part ways reaffirming their friendship.

While maintenance dude is working on the pipe, Caroline is texting Simon

“Damn, he have great text.”

wow haven't had to use this in a while

Simon asks if she is sleeping with anyone. She uses *ahem* more colorful language. He calls her crass, which she is. She says she is not sharing her bed of late and the chapter closes with him banging his head against the wall and texting

“You're killing me, Nightie Girl”

I had to. It's practically required by the laws of pop culture references.

Wallbanger Chapter 8: So Many Sex Jokes

Last time in Wallbanger...a bait-and-switch was set up with the BFF's and Clive chased Purina around Simon's apartment.

Chapter 8

It's the next day and Caroline runs into Simon. Caroline asks if it would sound trite if she said “we have to stop meeting like this”, Simon says “give it a try” and they laugh, because yes it is trite. I find it more funny that they only started seeing each other post-make outs. When they hated each other, they heard each other but never saw each other. Now that they have a truce, they see each other all the time.

They chat and Caroline is all self-conscious.

“I shifted my weight from one leg to another. Great, now it looks like you have to pee.”

Or impatient, or bored, or like you are in a hurry, but I'm sure he is thinking about you peeing.

“'Where are you off to tonight? I seem to always catch you when you're leaving'”

This is only the second time you've seen each other in the hall. The only other time was when her cat tried to attack your guest.

“...he propped himself up on the wall.”

I know that what she means is this

but my mental image is more this

They banter, he asks about their mutual friends.

“...and I didn't at all feel a flutter in my belly at the mention of the word our. Not at all...”

You just keep telling yourself that sweetie.

“'Well, I can tell you that my girls were quite taken with your boys. Did you know they're all going to the symphony benefit next week?' I said, instantly horrified that I went there that quickly.”

Maybe it's because I don't get out very much, or maybe it's because I don't gossip very much, but why would she be “horrified” that she “went there that quickly”? It's not like you are details your friends fantasies. Or does she think of all conversations as tit for tat? Caroline, you can just talk to someone. It doesn't have to be a power exchange...unless you're into that.

Caroline asks if Simon wants to join her and the BFFs on an outing but he is leaving town. He actually seems disappointed. Caroline asks if it is for work and when Simon wonders at how she knows what he does.

“I felt my face go from pink to a lovely tomato red. 'Jillian mentioned what you do for a living, yes. And I noticed the pictures in your apartment. When my pussy was chasing your Russian?'”

“He seemed to shift his weight a little at my choice of words. Hmmm, weak spot?”

Or maybe he is uncomfortable with your crass language. It's probably not the case cause guys in these books are always “groaning” at innuendo as if they are going through a second puberty and just the idea of boobs will make them “lose control”.

Caroline stares at Simon's crotch and says he has great sconces, and when she looks up she

“...noticed his [eyes] were nowhere near my face. Heh, heh, heh...”

I'm not even sure how to respond to this. I get that it is supposed to be funny, but it's not. As someone who has been on the receiving end of these types of stares, I've never found them to be complimentary. Even when the person was attractive and flirty, once their eyes linger overly long, my opinion of them drops. And I can't imagine doing that to someone without feeling like a creep myself.

Simon remembers they are talking and he says he is going to Ireland for Condé Nast and asks if she would like a souvenir. She says stereotypical Irish stuff and that she will do a jig for him when he gets back.

“'Aw, Nightie Girl, did you just offer to dance for me?' he said in a low voice, stepping a little closer.”

Again, I know this is supposed to be smooth and seductive but...

“And just like that, the balance of power shifted.”

Yeah, from playful to terrifying. Caroline decides to remind him that she will not have sex with him.

Simon: What makes you think I'd ask you?

Caroline: What makes you think you wouldn't?

I think he knows if he would ask you to bed. Call me crazy, but I feel like people are aware when they do and don't want to have sex. I know, it's madness.

Katie (Spanx) interrupts them inching toward each other.

Caroline calls her a “haremette” and all Simon only says “stop it”. What happened to you Simon? Are you just becoming desensitized to bullshit? If so, how does that work? I feel like I will need to know for later.

As Katie and Simon walk away, Katie comments on how pretty Caroline is. I'm not sure why that is there, there wasn't any doubt in my mind that Caroline would not be conventionally attractive and it wasn't said with a sneer or anything. Maybe it's just Clayton's way of showing that everybody ships Simon and Caroline. Sure, I don't, but I don't ship Caroline with anyone. I don't hate anyone that much.

Caroline is out to dinner with “the Fantastic Four” I refuse to call them that myself. I may not be a big Fantastic Four fan, but I like them too much to include them in this book. (As a side note: I am actually looking forward to the movie).

Caroline is people watching at the bar.

“To my left was an interesting couple: silver-haired gentleman with a woman younger than I was who had newly purchased tits.”

“Good girl! You get yours. I mean, if I had to look at flabby, old-man buns I'd want bigger boobs too.”

Why? So you can look at your boobs instead of his? And this doesn't even effect what is going on. It's just these few sentences and then we move on from this couple. Why is this here? Just so Caroline can be mean and gross about someone else lest we think that her vitriol is for Simon only?

Caroline thinks about how awesome she is doing without anyone else in her life.

“Turns out I'm a great date all by myself.”

“Hot restaurant, and even hotter bar, this place was packed with people and pretention.”

And yet most of that pretense is coming from one source.

Caroline tells us about Mimi being more interested in Ryan and Sophia being more interested in Neil, and I get it, can we move on now? Nope, we need to spend a page with Caroline talking to Sophia about it while Sophia pretends to not know what she is talking about.

Fast-forward to Caroline at home thinking some more about how happy she is alone. Her thoughts get interrupted by a text from Simon. They exchange some message that are thick with innuendo. Like I'm talking this level of innuendo.

The texting ends and Caroline is relaxing, imagining Simon

“It was shocking how clearly I could picture him: soft faded jeans, hiking boots a la Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles...”

Are you going to start talking about other 1980's movies soon? Teen Wolf? Teen Witch? Back to the Future? Cause if you start jerking it to Crispin Glover we will have to have words. And did Jake Ryan wear hiking boots? It's been awhile since I've watched any of the brat pack movies, but if we are going by the movie poster, he was wearing sneakers.

I guess it doesn't matter. The Chapter ends with Caroline thinking

“And that grin...”

I did not add the ellipse, and I have to say that more than I feel I should.

Grey Chapter 2: Possible Plagiarism and General Creepiness

Last time in Grey...Christian worked out and fantasized about a women he met minutes before. Oh and he ordered a background check on her. Nothing weird here.

Chapter 2: Saturday, May 14, 2011

The chapter opens with Christian reading Ana's background check. It includes her cell number, which is a real number not a “555” dealio, complete with a Washington area code. I almost want to call it, but then I would feel weird.

“Social Security No:

987-65-4320”

I want to joke, but I can't. This is terrifying. How does he have her social? He also has her banking info but I can't get over that he has her social. Google tells me it is a number reserved for advertising but I find it strange that this is where James invested her verisimilitude. Who does this? Why would he feel the need to if his interest is purely romantic? It's the middle of the day and I am so unsettled by this I want to lock my doors and close my windows.

SIDE NOTE: I googled the phone number and it brought me to a Fifty Shades fanfic...with the exact same information. No Joke, here are the side-by-side screen caps

Guys I think E L James ripped someone off. Okay, someone besides Stephanie Meyer. And Tara Sue Me. EDIT: Apparently, this was in some bonus material at the end of the third book. After a scolding for not properly researching this (the copy I had didn't have this bonus material, I guess this is what I get for not paying for the book), I have come to the conclusion that it is likely the fanfic author took it from there. Or, at least I hope so.

“I pore over the executive summary for the hundredth time since I received it two days ago...”

What the hell is an executive summary? Is there a legislative summary? What about a judicial summary?

“This past week, during particularly dull meetings, I've found myself replaying the interview in my head. Her fumbling fingers on the recorder, the way she tucked her hair behind her ear, the lip biting.”

This would be cute if I wasn't scared shitless right now. Way to set the tone by starting with the stalking.

“And now here I am, parked outside Clayton's, a mom-and-pop hardware store on the outskirts of Portland where she works.

You're a fool, Grey.”

That is not the f-word I would use.

“Why are you here?”

That is a very valid question.

“I knew it would lead to this. All week...I knew I'd have to see her again.”

“And I don't do waiting. I hate waiting...for anything.”

You're one of those customers, aren't you?

“I've never pursued a woman before.”

“My fear now is that Miss Steele is just too young and that she won't be interested in what I have to offer.”

Well, she isn't. Does that mean the book is over now? No? Ah, hell.

“Why no boyfriend, Miss Steele? Sexual orientation unknown – perhaps she's gay. I snort, thinking that unlikely.”

Why so homophobic James?

“I haven't mentioned her to Flynn, and I'm glad because I'm now behaving like a stalker.”

Being aware it's wrong doesn't make it any less wrong. And for those who don't know, Flynn is Christian therapist. Yeah, it surprised me that he sees one.

“No. I don't want him hounding me about his latest solution-based-therapy shit.”

1. If you think therapy is shit why are you going to it?
2. Solution-based-therapy is about making milestone goals and usually used for addiction. (Thanks Dr. Friend for that info!) Considering Christian's primary problem is PTSD, his doctor or therapist would probably not be using it.
3. Fuck you, Christian. No real reason, just felt like saying it.

“I'd forgotten the possibilities that a hardware store could possibly present to someone like me.”

“I mainly shop online for my needs, but while I'm here, maybe I'll stock up on a few items: Velcro...”

What could you possibly do with Velcro. I may not have a PhD in BDSM but I guess the better question is: why would you use Velcro?

He finds Ana.

“Absentmindedly, she wipes a crumb from the corner of her lips and into her mouth and sucks on her finger. My cock twitches in response.”

I would see a doctor about that.

“My body's reaction is irritating.”

Glad to know it's not just me.

“Maybe this will stop if I fetter, fuck, and flog her...and not necessarily in that order.”

He thinks about how attractive she is because we didn't get enough of that in the first chapter. He greets her and she says

“'Mr. Grey,' she says, breathy and flustered. Ah, a good response.”

I can only imagine that a “bad response” in his opinion would be to call the cops.

“She's dressed in a tight T-shirt and jeans, not the shapeless shit she was wearing earlier this week. She's all long legs, narrow waist, and perfect tits.”

Everything he says makes me squirm and not the good kind, more like the mouth-breathery kind.

“You'd be amazed what I can do with a few cable ties, baby.”

Cut off circulation? Break skin? Kill someone?

“She's wearing chucks. Idly I wonder what she'd look like in skyscraper heels. Louboutins...nothing but Louboutins.”

She would probably fall over if she isn't use to wearing them. Why is he so obsessed with footwear?

“She really is the whole package: sweet, polite, and beautiful, with all the physical attributes I value in a submissive.”

Another note for people unfamiliar with the series, those “physical attributes [he] value[s] in a submissive” are the same ones his dead mother has. Just keep adding layers onto this shit pile.

He thinks about how she couldn't possibly know anything about the BDSM lifestyle because...reasons. I don't know, maybe it's because she doesn't speak in shitty bondage innuendo.

“Is she laughing at me? Oh, I'd love to put a stop to that if she is.”

...permanently?

Christian frets about asking her on a date which in any other book would be awkward and cute but this is Christian Grey so it comes off as creepy. Especially when this is just a few sentences away from

“I select the longer ties. They are more flexible, after all, as they can accommodate two ankles and two wrists at once.”

He wants to hog tie her with cable ties. Ow. Just terror and ow.

He asks how long she has worked there but he already knows the answer.

“Unlike some people, I do my research.”

Do not make this sound like a work ethic thing. You should not be proud that you are a better stalker than most.

“...the tips of our fingers touch, briefly. It resonates in my groin. Damn!”

“resonates in my groin” I can't even...that's just so stupid. Words fail me.

“I groan inwardly, trying to chase away the image of her suspended from the ceiling in my playroom.”

Considering the last playmate he had (as we found out in the first book) was seriously injured when he suspended them, I would probably not go there. But he is an unrepentant asshole with no regard for other people's wants and safety. Want proof? He choose a natural filament rope because

“It's coarser and chafes more if you struggle against it...my rope of choice.”

You're subs safety is in your hands and you purposefully choice a rope that will hurt them when they move.

They chat. She says more than two words to him about Kate and he thinks

“It's the longest sentence she's uttered since we first met, and she's talking about someone else, not herself.”

And instead of taking this to mean that she doesn't want to talk to him about herself he thinks she is not as self-centered as some other characters. Christian.

He agrees to do a photo shoot for her and gives her his number. A random guy approaches Ana and Christian is immediately territorial. A lot of the series is Christian doing this

any time someone looks at Ana. In book two, he buys the publishing house she works at after she breaks up with him, and purchases portraits of her that her friend made so no one else would have it. But it's romantic because love said so.

“Maybe Welch's facts were wrong. Maybe this guy is her boyfriend. He looks the right age...”

You are only a few years older than her. I have had friends date people 15 years their senior. Stop talking like you are a gods damn vampire who only looks young.

“His handshake is limp, like his hair. Asshole.”

I have been taught that a strong handshake is a sign of a strong personality, but why does his limp hair make him an asshole. Are you just a huge Flock of Seagulls fan?

Head canon: Christen is a Flock of Seagulls fan and he listens to "I Ran" when stalking women.

They finish up their transaction and the phrase

“She's going to need substantial training.”

is used and does not refer to her golf game. He leaves but not before telling her that he is glad Kate was sick. He then goes to his car and is disappointed when she is not staring out the window longingly.

There is a pagebreak where all he does is bitch that she hasn't called since he left her side 5 hours ago (not exaggerating). And then after another pagebreak she does call and he is excited. The end. I am really glad I am only doing these once a week. I don't think my anxiety could handle this crazy anymore frequently.