Grey Chapter 5: Stalking For Her Safety

Last time in Grey...Christian decides to give Ana Tomas Hardy books in order to send mixed signals.

Friday, May 20, 2011

“I've slept for the first time in five days.”

I doubt that he hasn't slept in five days. Maybe not all the way through the night, but he had to have slept a little. He would literally die otherwise. Although it would explain his erratic behavior.

He yells at himself a bit in the mirror.

“Liar.

Fuck.”

I can't say I disagree.

His brother calls him and he acts like this is the worst thing to happen during his breakfast ever.

“What the hell does my big brother want?”

To say hi, how are you? It's what family does asshole.

“'Dude. I need to get out of Seattle this weekend. This chick is all over my junk and I've got to get away.”

Did James decide to model his brother's dialogue after Baywatch? Cause I've never met someone out of high school who talks like that.

“'Your junk?'”

Every time I walk away from this book I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me. Like I'll tell myself “Nah, this twenty-something does really talk like that” or “Christian doesn't really talk like a vampire” and then I read lines like that and I remember that he totally does. And this isn't the only time. Elliot (the brother) will use super common slang like “chopper” and Christian acts all prim like he has never heard a helicopter be called anything else.

Christian schemes to go hiking with his brother. It's not explicitly stated, but you can kind of tell he wants to stalk Ana personally. His personal chef asks if he wants her to prepare food for him this weekend and he says to make something but he might not be back. I bring this up because the next line is

“She didn't give you a second glance, Grey.”

I assume he is talking about Ana, but she hasn't been mentioned since before Elliot called. The only female in his presence is the cook and originally that is who I thought he was talking about. But that doesn't make sense either because Christian spends half the time bitching that everyone wants his junk. So which “she” is it? When you use pronouns they refer to the most recently named person whose gender the pronoun matches, that's how English works James. So if I were to use the pronoun “she” in this sentence, for instance, “She should know better, English is her primary and possibly only language” everyone knows I am referring to James because she was the last “she” I mentioned.

The chapter cuts to Christian and Elliot driving to Portland.

“Elliot sleeps most of the way to Portland. Poor fucker must be fried. Working and fucking: that's Elliot's raison d'etre.”

1. At least there is the implication that Elliot works. Other than Christian's questionable dealings with Sudan, all he does is obsess over having sex with a woman he hardly knows. Let me remind you that within a minute of meeting Ana he was fantasizing about caning her, but Elliot is problematic?
2. There are 321 occurrences of fuck in this book. This is number 22 in five chapters. Christian is supposed to be this cultured sophisticated guy who doesn't understand slang and uses phrases like “raison d'etre” yet he can't be bothered to curse more creatively than “fuck”

Christian makes a few calls. One is to order up some mountain bikes. Yes, this half a page of dialogue was necessary. How else were we supposed to know that his brother is 6'2? The other call is to his driver Taylor, but what confuses me is that Christian is already driving to Portland, so why is he calling his driver? He has a car, he's in it, so why is he making his driver go from Seattle to Portland with a new car? It can't be the car that he gives Ana, that doesn't happen until after their second non-date. So is he just wildly inconveniencing an employee so he'll have car options? And let me remind you that this is set in 2011 where gas prices were between $3.50 and $4.00, we were still solidly in the recession after the housing market crash of 2008, and Christian is supposed to be all noble at heart. So instead of just telling me, James, that Christian is rich but trying to feed the world so no kid ever has to go hungry like he did, you could show me that by having him live relatively frugally, and spending that “bringing a second car to Portland for no reason money” on a food bank or soup kitchen. But wait I forgot.

“I end the call and turn up the music. Let's see if Elliot can sleep through The Verve.”

Because no one can sleep through the jamming tunes of mid-90's alt rock?

Christian considers following up with secretary #1 about the books he had delivered to Ana but decides not to because

“...I know I've left her with a ton of work. Besides, I don't want to give my staff an excuse to gossip.”

I don't doubt that gossiping happens in his building, and I also don't doubt that they are talking about him, but I do doubt that they care about someone he sent books too. My guess is that they sit around the water cooler wondering how many bodies he hides in his closet.

He talks to himself and eventually Elliot wakes up.

Christian: We're going mountain biking.

Elliot: We are?

He didn't ask his brother if this is something he wanted to do? Don't get me wrong, this is completely in line with his character, he does whatever the hell he wants first and asks questions never, but what happens when people say no? If I recall this becomes a thing because Ana is the only one to ever tell him no and he gets off on her telling him no (red flag!) but I can't believe that no one has ever turned him down for something before.

He has inner monologue about his father

“My father is a polymath...”

Again, you use words like polymath and yet fuck is the most commonly used word in this book.

“...a real renaissance man: academic, sporting, at ease in the city, more at ease in the great outdoors. He's embraced three adopted kids...and I'm the one who didn't live up to his expectations.”

This is really odd because if you go by the logic of the book Christian is the shit. He is a billionaire playboy philanthropist trying to save the starving children of the world while having the most enviable face and figure. Yet, I am to believe that he is a disappointment? If the book would admit that Christian is a terrible human being then I would get it, but that's not the case. It's not because he is an asshole that he is a disappointment, it's because

“Puberty ruined all that for me.”

The worst part is that, if you squint and look sideways you can almost see a valid argument here. He was raped as a teen and if he associated his traumatic encounter with the onset of sexual desire I could buy it. However, he doesn't see it as rape. In short, I have no idea what is meant by that line and where this is going.

The pair talk about all the sex Elliot is having, and wouldn't you know it? I don't care. After an attempt at character development for Elliot, we get a pagebreak.

When we return, the boys are riding bikes. Elliot makes a comment about a girl sounding desperate and I wonder if it's possible for James to write a likable character. Another pagebreak and the boys are watching baseball

“Go Mariners! Elliot and I clink beer bottles.”

Not sure which is weirder: Christian showing any enthusiasm/emotion or James getting information on the game right.

Ana drunk dials him, I would nitpick word choices, why he is angry, why he assumes that she can't take care of herself, but in all this commentary thus far I've only covered 3 pages of the chapter so just know that Christian's first worry upon hearing drunk Ana is if she is with another man. Priorities!

Ana hangs up on Christian which lights a fire under his butt enough to call his private stalker and use illegal software to hunt her down. Again, he doesn't know that she is in any danger. All he knows is that a college student he only met recently is drunk, the fact that he saves her from her friend trying to force himself on her does not excuse the fact that he made a metric ton of assumptions.

The guys show up at the bar, Christian is annoyed with Kate because she is not a paranoid dick like he is. Christian find Ana outside, saves her from Jose because if anyone is going to abuse, disrespect, and disregard her feelings for his own needs – it's going to be Christian.

Ana vomits on the sidewalk, Christian holds her hair. When she is done she says she is sorry and his first thought is

“Okay, let's have some fun.”

Yeah, I mean, she was only sexually assaulted by a close friend who she thinks of as family and then vomited all over the sidewalk. What harm would there be in you fucking with her emotions while you are at it?

“Why is it such fun to tease this young woman?”

Because you have no soul?

Christian thinks Kate is a shit friend for trusting Ana and Jose to be together and assuming that Jose wouldn't attack her, and I think he's a shit person for existing.

Christian starts to have a panic attack out of nowhere. The only thing preceding it is Ana unexpectedly clutching his arm then

“I freeze.

Shit.

My heart rate catapults into overdrive as the darkness surfaces, stretching and tightening its claws around my throat.”

She touches him and he has a panic attack. That is not an “I'm in love” reaction, that is a PTSD reaction. James does say he has PTSD and he doesn't like being touched but it is related to his mother, who use to put out her cigarettes on him. Which means that for Ana's touch to trigger his panic attack, either A) he associates Ana with his mother in some weird Oedipus complex, or B) all people who touch him at all times gives him panic attacks. I'm leaning toward A because he specifically chooses submissives who look like/remind him of his mother.

Even he doesn't understand why he reacts the way he does.

“She's oil on my troubled, deep, dark waters.”

Calm down, Batman. If she soothes your savage soul then why did you have a panic attack?

“Hmm...flowery, Grey.”

If by flowery you mean trite, then yes I agree.

He decides the only way to get her to Kate on the dance floor is by dancing their way there. Yeah, when I read this scene in Fifty Shades, the dancing felt out of nowhere and I feel like this was added to sort of retroactively justify it, but it doesn't work. Sorry, James.

We get his rundown of taking her to his hotel room, getting her half naked but not wanting to step

“beyond the bounds of propriety.”

Because having her SSN, banking information, malware on her phone*, and eventually stealing and selling her car is well within the social confines.

He gets her puke covered clothes off while she is passed out and of course his first thought is of having sex with her. Not creepy at all. He then has his private stalker look into Jose, his driver to buy Ana clothes, and laments how he needs to get laid.

*I have consulted some tech peeps and the consensus is that in order to track Ana the way he did he would have had to hack her cell phone and put spyware on it.

Wallbanger Chapter 16: Porn by way of Sesame Street

Last time in Wallbanger...Simon is single, the world rejoiced, he and Caroline are sorta in a relationship, and they get on the plane to Spain.

Chapter 16

“We did it too soon. We should have waited.”

Yeah, my writing-senses are tingling and they are telling me that this about something innocuous and not sex related.

“'Well, for starters, you're holding it upside down,' I shot back, grabbing the map and turning it right side up.”

So yeah, the suggestive conversation about doing too soon was about directions and makes less and less sense the more you think about what they were saying and what they were meaning to say. But hey, why not structure your dialogue around a joke. And the laughs don't stop there, we get a “men don't ask for directions” joke in the very next paragraph. Hardy-har-har.

They play the blame game but pause to talk about churros (because Spain) and how distracting eating them can be.

Caroline: Can I make a suggestion?

Simon: It is a lewd suggestion?

I feel like Clayton meant that to read “Is it” and not “It is” because then why would she have a question mark at the end?

Anyway...

The scandalous suggestion she makes is to use GPS and while Simon scoffs at first because “only pussies use GPS” Caroline is able to convince him with her feminine wiles. Yay, outmoded gender stereotypes!

Caroline talks about how they are taking it slow

“He was wooing me. And I was letting him woo. I wanted the woo. I deserved the woo. I needed the wow that would surely follow the woo, but for now, the woo? It was whoa.”

It would be really funny if, when they finally do bang, it isn't as “wow” as she wants it to be. That won't happen, because this is a romance novel, but it would be hilarious.

Makes out happen.

“I sighed, the tiniest whimper...”

What is it with people using the word “whimper” during supposedly sexy scenes. It literally means “to cry with low, plaintive, broken sounds.” If one or both of your main couple is making low, plaintive, broken sounds during satisfying consensual sexy times, something is wrong. Nothing is wrong here though. Despite whimpers to the contrary, Caroline and Simon are having grand old make outs. Good for them.

Simon makes a crack about kissing jack 'o' lanterns because Caroline can't stop smiling and Caroline says

“'We're in Spain, Simon. Grinning is implied'”

Clayton, that's not how the word “implied” works. If the grinning was “implied” then she wouldn't be literally grinning.

They get to the house they are renting in Nerja and watch the sun set over the Mediterranean Sea. I'm not going to put a lot of that here, because it's not necessary for this Let's Read, but I will give Clayton credit. It's a good scene, establishes the setting nicely and it's refreshing to have Simon and Caroline just existing near each other and not bantering non-stop.

They explore the house together, find the world's largest bed.

“It was the bed to end all beds. It was the bed that all the little beds aspired to be when they grew up. It was bed heaven. […] I had a lovely case of performance anxiety”

But you said you were letting him woo you and that you wanted to take things slow. I guess I took that to meant that you wouldn't bone on this trip, but now I suppose what she meant was “We didn't bone last night, but we will probably bone soon.”

Caroline makes the decision to just let the chips fall where they may and not put any pressure on either to preform. Which I find mature to the point of questioning if this is in-line with her character, but I like it so who am I to complain?

Caroline name drops some fancy foods and they chat about their plans. They take a moonlit stroll down the beach and Caroline tells Simon she likes holding his hand.

“Witty banter had its place, but sometimes, all you need is the truth.”

Praise be! That has been my problem this whole book. It has way more style than substance and now that Clayton is actually giving me something substantial I couldn't be happier. This is still not my favorite, but this isn't as much of a chore to get through. It's weirdly nice.

Simon talks about how his parents truly loved each other and how false it always felt when he saw other people hold hands and say sweet-nothings. I want to be offended because me and my SO always call each other by pet names and are (according to others) disgustingly saccharine, but I will accept his complaint as that of a young man wounded. Besides, the overall, effect is nice because we see Simon vulnerable.

Caroline and Simon have decided to sleep in separate beds, but make out on Caroline's bed for good measure.

“My shirt bunched up around my waist, and the feeling of his hi-there against my hoohah was indescribable.”

Hi-there? Hoohah? What is this? Porn by way of Sesame Street? No, actually, Jim Henson puppets have had way more graphic gigs than this.

“He flipped me about like a rag doll...”

I know I just made the Jim Henson joke, but this seriously reminds me of the opening sketch from the old Muppet Show with Rita Moreno dancing/throwing the full size muppet around. Classic.

Anyway...

Simon pauses the make outs to say he doesn't want to mess this up and Caroline doesn't seem to get that he isn't talking about sex.

Simon: I have no experience with this.

Caroline: I have a wall back home that would disagree with that.

Why is Caroline so sex crazed? I'm not saying that she can't be, but I don't understand why everything equals sex with her. Baking = Sex. Traveling = Sex. Friends = Sex. E = MCSex. You think I'm joking but when Simon says

“I really like you, Caroline. But I haven't had a girlfriend since high school, and I have no clue how to do this. But you need to know, that what I feel for you? Shit, it's just different, okay? And, whatever your wall would say back home, I need you to know that this? What we have, or will have? It's different, okay? You know that, right?”

Any sane, rational person would think that he is, more or less, making a love declaration. But Caroline thinks

“He was telling me I was different, that I was no replacement for the harem.”

She is getting to the point of willful ignorance, and I'm just glad the chapter ends before this comic misunderstanding can go any further.

Chapter 15: Singles Club

Last time in Wallbanger...lots of weirdly formatted narration, Caroline went on a date with her ex, Simon broke up with another lady friend and he formally asked Caroline to go to Spain with him.

Chapter 15

Again, Clayton has a bunch of unattributed dialogue about food. I guess it was important enough for her to mention what everyone is eating but not important enough to tell us who is eating what.

Caroline and friends are eating breakfast and is pleased to find that her friends didn't mind being yelled at until they had sex with the person Caroline wanted them to have sex with. They exchange gossip and the friends do messy spit takes when she tells them about Spain. She then gives them all the details from chapter 14.

“Text between Simon and Caroline”

It's a flirty exchange involving the word “spiffy” which is a word I occasionally use and now never want to use ever again. Thanks for that.

She talks to her boss about time off for Spain. They chat about Simon with her boss showing a little non-motherly concern.

Caroline notes someone outside Simon's door, when she goes to spy the woman knocks on Caroline's door.

“We appraised each other instantly, in the way that women do.”

I don't really appraise other women, but then I guess I've just never cared enough to. Or maybe it's because I'm not competitive, so the relative hotness of another lady doesn't register outside of “wow, she's pretty.” Either way, I don't much care for the generalization.

It turns out to be a British woman (my guess is Lizzie, the last lady friend we have yet to meet) and there is some hostility as she leaves a package for Simon in Caroline's care. The woman calls Caroline lovely and giggles on her way down the hall. This makes Caroline realize that I was right and it was Lizzie at her door. She asks herself a bunch of unanswerable questions about Simon and ends with an out of place reference to South Park, because cool?

“Text between Simon and Caroline”

Actual food porn flirting. I'm not sure I will be able to look at my blender the same ever again.

Caroline is waiting up for Simon to return from a shoot in LA. She calls him while getting dressed for bed. They chat about Lizzie's visit and Simon says

“'...for the first time in a very long time, I am...well...I am... you see...”

If he says he's pregnant I will lose it.

“'Without...female companionship.'”

I don't know if I'm disappointed or just not surprised. Why not both?

Now that Simon is without companionship, when he knocks on Caroline's door, she invites him in.

“An hour later, we sat together at the kitchen table, a decimated loaf in front of us.”

My mental image of Simon eating the bread is Abu from the beginning of Aladdin loudly smacking his lips together to show that he won't share.

They talk about his break up with the girls. Caroline asking Simon if he wants her real opinion

“'I mean truth truth, back-and-forth truth. No witty comebacks, no snappy banter...'”

Caroline says she is glad that he is single. Simon says he wants to try monogamy.

A serviceable sexy scene in the kitchen ensues and fades to black before we find out how far it goes.

And because we could leave off the chapter on a sweet and steamy note like that we have one more joke for the cheap seats in the back. In the airplane to Spain no less.

“'That kid keeps banging my seat,' he grumbled through clenched teeth.”

I wish I knew more onomatopoeia because that deserves a sitcom sound effect.

Grey Chapter 4: Immortan Christian

Last time in Grey...Christian and Ana had their first non-date in which he was a douche bag customer who thought everything was about his dick.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

“No!”

So you do know the word, you just choose to ignore it.

“My scream bounces off the bedroom walls and wakes me from my nightmare.”

Was it the one where your steak is under seasoned and the waiter is taking to long to replace it? Cause that seems like something you would bitch about.

Nah, he had a PTSD nightmare about his mother. In an attempt to calm himself he thinks about what he needs to get done and he is pissed because he has to play golf.

“I should cancel the golf; the thought of playing and losing darkens my already bleak mood.”

That's right, because he is exactly the kind of person who would throw a bitch fit and not play when he thinks he is going to lose. Nothing petulant about that at all.

He hates on himself for not kissing Ana when she obviously wanted to be.

“If my shrink was back from his vacation in England I could call him. His psychobabble shit would stop me feeling this lousy.”

1. James, that's not how that works. Therapy isn't just a psychologist talking at you and making you feel better.
2. Again, if Christian thinks so lowly of the mental health field then why the hell is he seeing a therapist?

There is a pagebreak and then the chapter resumes with Christian listening to a radio program about the auction of Jane Austen's unfinished manuscript for The Watsons, which is an actual thing that happened by the way. This reminds Christian that Ana likes books and he decided to give her his first edition of Tess of the d'Urbervilles.

“Hardy had a dark, twisted soul.

Like me.”

Thomas Hardy's books were not bleak because he had a dark twisted soul, they were bleak because he was trying to prove a fucking point. Hardy hated the social restrictions that Victorian society placed on people and showcased how those restrictions ruined people's lives. And the fact that he even points out that Tess is not the most romantic of novels fucking blows my mind. Just chapters ago, he was talking about how Angel was an impossible romantic standard, but now he admits that it's BS. Make up your mind.

Anyway... Christian remembers Ana's comment about him being the

“ultimate consumer”

and he thinks

“Yes. I like to posses things...”

Who does this remind me of?

Wait, it will come to me

It's on the tip of my tongue

Nope, can't remember. Oh well.

There is a page break and when the chapter resumes and we find out that Christian is a big fan of reading.

“Fiction was my sanctuary when I was a teenager.”

I'm sure it was, and I'm sure all you read was Nietzsche and Dostoevsky you pretentious prick.

“I nod and head into Grey House, the books tucked under my arm. The young receptionist greets me with a flirtatious wave.

Every day...Like a cheesy tune on repeat.”

Story time! I am female and I work with a lot of guys, like you do, and this has happened more than once. A girl will ask a question or ask for help and is nice and polite and all that good stuff. Then she leaves and the male coworker will inevitably turn to me and say something to the effect of “she was totally into me.” Now, I don't doubt that flirtation is a thing that has happened, but as someone who has seen the situation from all sides and been in the shoes of every person involved, I can pretty safely say “no, she is not into you. She was probably just being nice or friendly.” But, alas, no coworker ever believes me. Just like how I'm sure that Christian wouldn't believe me because everyone wants his dick all the time. There is no such thing as nice, polite, non-heterosexual women when his penis is near. Nope. None at all.

Anyway...

Christian exchanges pleasantries with a security guard which I guess is meant to humanize him, but I have a hard time believing that Christian would even notice someone like a security guard. He tells one secretary that he wants espresso and is glad that another is absent because, you guessed it, she wants him.

Secretary: Would you like milk, sir?

Christian (in his mind): Good girl.

You condescending ponce. Oh, but Hex he meant that in a Domly sort of way. Fuck that noise. This is not play time. This is not sexy times. This is him patronizing a female underling because she said something that pleased him. I don't care that he didn't say it out loud. He wouldn't have thought it about a male employee. It wouldn't have even occurred to him, and the fact that he thinks she should be so proud that she can please him makes me want to choke him.

Anyway...

He asks the guy who did the background check to see when Ana's finals are while he looks for a suitable quote to send with the book. After another pagebreak (she is getting as bad as Alice Clayton at this point) we resume with him talking about his smuggling business. He is pissed because the State Department might prevent him from working with Sudan. Go figure.

“I roll my eyes. Fucking red tape.”

It's not just red tape when there is an embargo in place. Red tape is more like the shit you have to go through to get women's health care in America.

“'If we have to grease some palms – or get Senator Blandino to intervene – let me know.”

Is this some alternate universe were Dean Blandino, the vice president of officiating for the NFL, is a senator for some random state? And if that is the case, is James suggesting that NFL refs can be bought? I don't know if you want to open that can of worms James.

Christian gets pissed because his secretary interrupts his meeting to say that his personal stalker has the info. He finds out that Ana's exams end the next day. We get another pagebreak and Christian gets his lunch.

“Tuna salad. Okay. She hasn't fucked this up for once.”

Just shut up Christian. He is referring the secretary that is always staring at him longingly and I hate to be mean, but if she is constantly fucking up his order than he should just fire her. He doesn't like the way she preforms her job and he doesn't like that she is apparently in love with him. There is no reason for him to keep her employed. Let the woman go.

“I've chosen a quote. A warning.”

The quote he has chosen is one that follows Tess being raped. If this is to be a warning, am I to understand that Christian is saying that he will rape her? Spoiler! He does. No one treats it like it's rape, but that's what it is. Furthermore, if he is so sure that

“I made the correct choice, walking away from her.”

Then why the bloody hell is he sending her a present? You know what would keep the woman away and at a safe distance like you supposedly want? Leaving her alone. Otherwise, all you are saying is "Here, allow me to show you a mixed signal."

Instead, he has secretary number 1 (the one that doesn't love him) mail the books to Ana and asks her to find a replacement set for himself. First editions of course. And that's it for chapter four. Not going to lie, this book gets harder and harder to read. I don't know if I'll ever be able to finish it, but for you gentle reader, I shall try.

Wallbanger Chapter 14: The Return Home

Heads up gentle reader, my keyboard is dying so there may be more typos than usual. I will try to catch them all, but I'm not exactly Ash Ketchum .

Last time in Wallbanger...Caroline and Simon made out in a hot tub. Simon decided to be a decent person and not have sex with the inebriated Caroline and risk their friendship. Caroline was not happy with this, but was happy with the sweater he got her that she can't stop herself from sniffing.

Chapter 14

“Inside a black range rover on the way back to San Francisco...”

I didn't add the ellipses. Why do I have the feeling I'm going to hate where this is going?

“Caroline: Okay, I can do this...”

Oh no.

“Simon: She's smiling at me...I can smile back at her, right?”

So, instead of writing the whole book in third person so we can be privy to everyone's thoughts and feelings, Clayton chose to write this in (mostly) first person with random shifts to other narrative styles when the plot needs it. Is this my punishment for complaining about Boy Window's POV shifts? Is this Rony (the god of Irony) laughing at me? Cause that's what it feels like.

To sum up

Caroline: Stupid Simon rejecting my wet, mostly naked, breasts when he was hard.

Simon: Why must I be so noble? Things aren't working out with my other ladies. Thinking about last night is getting me hard again. I'm a pervert for getting erect at the thought of wet, most naked, breasts.

Caroline: Simon said he doesn't want to have sex with me when I wasted because it could potentially ruin our relationship and yet he is checking out my ass. Mixed signals!

Simon: Caroline is sniffing a lot, I wonder if she has a cold.

Caroline: Let's think about why I pounced Simon? ...or not.

Simon: Caroline smells good. Why do some “girls” smell like flowers or fruit?

Caroline: I will never admit I like Simon even to myself. And I can not comprehend someone not wanting to have sex.

Simon: Caroline is practically perfect in every way and I may or may not want a serious relationship.

Caroline: I can't imagine Simon turning me down out of chivalry even though he said “Obviously I'm attracted to you. How could I not be? You're amazing. But you were drunk, I was drunk, and as great as it would have been it would have – ah, it would have changed things” because that is too simple.

Simon: I like Caroline.

Caroline: I refuse to admit I may like Simon.

Then we get a page break but before I put the picture up I wanted to let you know that I just condensed 6 pages worth of “introspection”. I did cut out Mimi and Ryan's inner monologue, because it wasn't important. And I cut out the six or so times one of the guys says they were hard. You're welcome!

Simon drops off Ryan and Mimi at Mimi's place and heads to his and Caroline's apartment. Caroline thinks some more about her tryst with Simon.

“The thing is, though, I did think his head was in it, at least until he thought about it too much.”

It took you how many pages to figure that out? You sure are a quick one Caroline.

They decide to try and act like nothing happened and go their separate ways.

Fast-forward a week and Caroline is at work. Her boss expresses concern and asks her to lunch.

At lunch, Caroline and Jillian talk about Tahoe and then stop themselves from trying to figure out the complicated workings of Simon because them men folk, amirite?

Caroline reads her fortune cookie

“Be aware of the walls you build and what could be on the other side”

“Confucius, you kill me.”

Some how I doubt that Kongzi wrote or said anything like that.

“Text from James to Caroline”

Yay...my favorite...

James and Caroline make plans for their date. Again we are told Caroline hates pho (which just proves she is evil) and that their professional relationship will end in a week.

Caroline considers talking to Simon but chooses not to because she hears him answering a phone call from one of his lady friends.

There are more page breaks in this chapter than there are jokes in this let's read. I'm both sad and impressed.

Caroline is all dressed up for James. Okay, it's really for herself, and she even admits she is using him. The man in question knocks and she talks about how familiar it all is. Naturally, Simon interrupts.

“He had a fake smile plastered across his face, and his voice was colder than I'd ever heard it before.”

So far, Simon is the only character I don't completely hate, so please let him not take a turn for the douchie. Pretty please.

Her date was fine, but Caroline's heart wasn't in it. When James walks her to her door, she over hears Simon talking to a lady and decides to invite James in. They almost go at it but then James offhandedly

says

“'I'm so glad I needed a decorator.'”

and that does it for Caroline. She could put herself through sex if she wasn't interested, but she would not put up with him demeaning her career. Eh, to each their own I guess.

James leaves loudly, Caroline is mad at herself and throws a shoe. It hits Simon.

“Holding the shoe like some kind of late-night Prince Charming to my slutty O-less Cinderella...”

I just don't get you Caroline, and I don't think I ever will.

Caroline gets even more mad, lashing out at Simon for coming over to check on her when he heard yelling.

“'Why do all men seem to think they need to rescue a woman? Are we not capable of rescuing our damn selves?'”

Where is this coming from? What rescuing? If I heard someone I was close to having a fight I would want to see if they were okay. Simon didn't come in with a weapon ready to fight. He calmly entered her room and asked if she was okay. And why is this the one progressive thing she has said when she claims to be a liberate woman? And why is it at the least appropriate time?

Caroline screeches like a barn owl about the significance of her career and how she will never eat Vietnamese food for someone ever again. Simon makes attempts to agree with her but Caroline will have none of it. She shouts some more about how she doesn't need rescuing before finally calming down and admitting that James is not a bad guy but not the guy for her.

Also, I just want to mention, Caroline says twice in so many pages that

“'I know you think James is some kind of psycho'”

but Simon has never called him that. When they met the first time, Simon just expressed a dislike. The only time the word psycho appears in the text is the two times Caroline uses it in this chapter.

Anyway...

Caroline cries. Simon comforts. Caroline gets catty and asks about Nadia. Simon says they met for drinks to end their relationship.

“Why did Heart have to be so in to this?”

I don't know, ask Ma-Ti.

Simon explains that his non-committal relationships aren't working for him anymore and he asks her to join him in Spain.

“He was going Spain on me?”

I'm trying to imagine what “going Spain” would look like and I've got to say it is slapstick in my head.

Caroline walks Simon to the door. Simon still wants to talk but Caroline wants to sleep. She says she has two things she wants to tell him.

“'First, you hurt my feelings in Tahoe'”

Yeah, how dare he not want to have casual sex with someone he has a close relationship with. He's an asshole for showing restraint and respecting her enough to not take advantage of the situation.

When Simon tries to interrupt she says

“'Shut it, Simon. I don't want a rehash.'”

Which I find funny because half of this chapter and the last was rehash.

Caroline tells Simon to never hurt her feelings again, and the second thing she wanted to tell him was

“'I'm coming with you to Spain.'”

The chapter is over and with that news I am predicting classic rom-com airport chase scene shenanigans. We'll see...

Wallbanger Chapter 13: Cauldron of Chlorinated Chemistry

I know it's been a couple (7) months since I posted here last but life happened and after being gone from this for so long I found that I really missed doing it. I may not be posting as frequently as before, but I am going to try to put stuff out again. So without further ado, let's resume.

Last time in Wallbanger...lots of drinking in hot tubs, signs of opulence, and Caroline yells at everyone like a howler monkey. Also, Simon and Caroline kissed.

Chapter 13

“The sky opened up...”

Because this is a romance novel and floral language is par for the course, I half expected this to be metaphorical. It's not. But Caroline is too busy lusting after Simon to go inside the house.

“'Mmm, Caroline, what are you up to?'”

Simon, she is straddling you in a hot tub, what do you think she is about?

“...his hands strong on my waist as his fingers dug into my skin.”

Ouch, ask if she's into that first, bro.

“I could barely see him through the haze of steam from the hot tub and the lust now brewing in this little cauldron of chlorinated chemistry.”

Atrocious alliteration Batman! That is an unsexy image.

“As I settled on his lap again...”

You never left it. I reread the start of the chapter to this point a few times to make sure I didn't miss anything, and I didn't. She didn't move.

“His grin was hard, and so was he.”

I know what she is trying to say, but does any one else find that oddly phrased? A hard grin is usually an unfeeling, unyielding grin. It's not inviting or friendly, and given that sexy times are about to happen, you would think that Simon's grin would be sexy and inviting. Therefore, I am led to believe that Clayton phrased this this way for the pun. And it's not even a good pun.

They proceed to have make outs. It's described as primal and sensual in a way that reminds me of the time when Buffy and Spike brought down an abandoned building, but less erotic.

“...our tongues and teeth and lips smacking and cracking...”

Ow, that sounds like a little kid smashing two dolls' faces together to simulate kissing.

“...my legs scrambling as I panted like a whore in church.”

Is this a commonly used phrase that I'm too uncool or uncultured to get it?

“The idea that a kiss, just a kiss, had turned me into this giant lusting bag of CarolineNeedThat was undeniable...”

I don't think it has “turned” Caroline into anything. She has always been lusty, all that's changed is now she can exercise that lust.

“'Come into my Tahoe, Simon'”

“'You feel uncommonly good'”

Now she is busting out her high society compliments? As he is mounting her in the hot tub, that is when she decides to dust off the Edwardian praise. Are she going to pause to tell him how she has long thought him the handsomest of men?

Nope, actually, Simon breaks things off saying that he can't. Caroline is...not happy

Simon: No, Caroline, not you. Not like –

Caroline: Well, don't I feel like a fucking idiot?

Caroline tries to laugh it off and walk away while Simon tries to explain. Caroline slips and falls and when Simon tries to help her up she reflects on how unsexy her bikini is. She starts to cry because she thinks he doesn't want her, and this all makes somewhat sense, but at the same time we all know he was trying to be a good person. I'm pretty sure what he was trying to explain is that he doesn't want to bone her while she is drunk.

So drunk in fact that she has a conversation with her reflection about how Simon will fuck anyone but her. In any other book, I would assume that this is supposed to be a sign that the narrator is unreliable, but some how I don't think that's the case. Caroline collapses on her bed and the phone rings.

The BFF's are appropriately coupled and Caroline is hating their overt happiness. We find out that she talked to James before she fell asleep. He made her laugh and asked her out and Caroline was desperate enough for the attention that she agreed.

Caroline gets pissy when Mimi asks about her night and storms off. The girls go to talk to her about it and Caroline gets all defensive asking what did they think would happen

“This isn't some romance novel.”

If only this were a romance novel, then maybe I would like it more.

Caroline yells at her friends for thinking that she and Simon would get together then Simon comes in to talk to her about the night before. They leave the house to talk and when Caroline keeps interrupting Simon's explanations he says

“'You have to shut up, okay? You keep interrupting me, and watch how fast you get tossed in that very lake'”

Nothing like violence to get you swooning.

Simon explains that he likes their friendship and wouldn't want to see it ruined by his amazing dick. He admits that he is completely attracted to her but he couldn't allow himself to bone her. Things seem to normalize and Simon says the ominous line

“'Always good when what you need and what you want are the same things'”

They are all packing up their cars to leave Tahoe and Caroline get Mimi to ride with her and Simon so she doesn't have to go alone. Simon gives her a sweater he got her from Ireland and the chapter ends with her sniffing it.

It's good to be back.