Wallbanger Chapter 7: Cat Chase

Last time in Wallbanger...A lot of crazy random happenstances culminating with Simon and Caroline kissing, their best friends hooking up, and Simon driving Caroline home. Oh, Simon also eluded to knowing about Caroline's dreams about him.

Chapter 7

Clive wakes Caroline up because he is a kitty and he does what he wants.

Caroline talks about being “mortifi[ed]” and how those embarrassed feelings made her sleep with the TV on to cover up any screams of passion. After searching for the least sexy TV channel

“I ended up on the all-infomercial channel...”

because it was the least likely to be mistaken for sex noises. But I don't know if it really is the least sexy channel. Have you seen the way they try to tell some of those products?

 look at how sexy that is

“All this was in addition to listening to the sounds of Tommy Dorsey coming through the wall.”

Swing music? That's just rude. I love me some swing, but at 1am when you are trying to sleep? Heck no, if it involves trumpets, sleep will not happen. This is a proven fact.

“They made me smile. I can't lie.”

I guess everyone has that one thing that melts their panties and Caroline's is jazz clarinet.

“Sure, my O was gone, maybe for forever. Sure, I'd been having sex dreams about my overly attractive and overly confident neighbor. And sure, said neighbor had heard these dreams and commented on them, getting the last word in an already extremely bizarre evening.”

Marvin the Paranoid Android could give a better pep talk. Reread that last paragraph in Alan Rickman's voice and you'll see.

“I'd just acknowledge it before he could – take the wind out of his sails, as it were […] I'm totally screwed.”

Caroline's thoughts are interrupted by Simon's alarm going off.

“...I froze. Then I recovered and slipped back under the covers...”

Why are you hiding? He can't see you.

“Wait, why was I hiding? He couldn't see me.”

Caroline gets up, gets ready and goes to meet the BFF's for brunch. Brunch always makes me think of Joe Manganiello thanks to How I Met Your Mother so both Caroline and I are too distracted to notice the meat wall that is Simon until it is too late.

“'Whoa,' I cried as I teetered backward. His arm shot out and caught me just before I went from flustered to flat-out wrong and on my bottom.”

I don't know why she would be “flat-out wrong” when she was just walking besides the need for alteration, but I guess that is neither here nor there. They talk and their conversation involves some word vomit about sweatiness, her internal wishing he was fat and/or ugly and the vocalized assertion that they will never bone.

What I do like about this exchange is that Simon is not taking her shit but still being civil and even a little flirtatious. I'm not sure why he is flirtatious, but he is. Caroline says

“'Too bad I don't work well with others! I ain't no harem girl!'”

And instead of shutting her judgment down like he had all chapter 6, he just lets it go and they agree that the truce is stands. That pisses me off. Not the truce, but that Simon is slowly becoming less offended and defensive by Caroline's bitchiness. Instead of her doing what she said in chapter 6 and letting Simon do what he wants, she is doing the same thing as before but without reprimand. I feel like Simon is going to be come more closed minded instead of Caroline becoming more open. And I hate that superiority in Caroline's tone when she says “I ain't no harem girl!' as if those women are somehow less because they are having sex with Simon.

People are ordering food. I wish I could tell you who or why or even for what reason but all I know is that they are and I can't for the life of me think why this is here. I'm okay with the dialogue paragraphs lacking attribution (ie when you have quotes but no 'he said' 'she said' 'Hex cried' attached to it) but you usually get that when you are in the flow of conversation so you have a sense of who is talking. This just starts off with no attribution and it is only about food so I feel like she is trying to get me to guess who has what order. If this is a game, I disapprove.

Caroline asks why they had to joke about Simon's erection, they say they had no choice. I still don't get it. They exchange info about their night, none of it interesting other than to reinforce the stereotypes we have set in place. Neil is a jock, Ryan is a nerd, and Simon is feminist. Just think

and you won't even have to read their dialogue. Although I was personally offended by

“'...he was about fifteen years too late for flannel, but he got an A for angst.'”

Shut up flannel is comfy.

The BFF's ask when her dating hiatus will be over and Caroline says maybe never.

“They had their Os, and now they had new boys.”

Why is she acting like she just came back from the war? I get that she was particularly attached to her orgasm, but Jesus Christ can she go one bloody chapter without mentioning that she can't cum. The movie Short Bus talked about orgasms less. The movie Shame had fewer orgasms in it. Hell, Fifty Shades of fuck-all talked about orgasms less. That has to be some kind of achievement.

“I needed to turn this back to them.”

What? Caroline wants to change the subject from her all important orgasm to other people? Is she feeling alright?

Caroline asks about their goodnight kisses. Both girls seem overly concerned with the others experience cementing my bait-and-switch theory. The BFF's ask about the truce and a bet that it won't last a week leads into another

Jillian walks into Caroline's office and after a lot of work talk where Jillian just smiled at her

I know this is "you don't say meme" but work with me here.

and Caroline finally says what I've been thinking since the party incident.

“'First of all, you can't tell me you didn't know he lived next door.'”

If Benjamin is as involved in Simon's life how do they not know that he lived next door to Jillian' apartment? Jillian says it's because she had never been to his place and blah blah blah plot convenience.

Through Jillian we learn more about Simon. He was Philadelphia raised before going to Stanford. Oooo they have a large Amish community, maybe he left the community and that's why is so sexually liberated (spoilers: He is not). Benjamin is his favorite non-uncle and, of course, Simon's parents died his senior year of high school in a car accident. Because if Disney has taught us anything, it's that your backstory is only as tragic if someone you love is dead.

Side note: He went to Stanford and is a photojournalist? Was his back up going to Harvard for cosmetology?

We find out that Simon also likes to travel and he speaks at least one other language (Spanish). Simon flirted a little with Jillian when they first met and Caroline's all

“...rolled my eyes. This matched what I knew of him already. Although, as brash as my girls and I were when flirting with Benjamin, it was the pot calling the kettle forward.”

I'm glad you said it and not me because I had a whole hypocrisy rant ready in my head with

Jillian says Simon is really sweet, and so far I believe it. The only time he was a dick was when they first met and I can hardly blame him for that. Since then, he has been charming and nice and Caroline has been shrill and aggressive. Anywho...

The next scene I can only describe as strange. Clive gets out and chases Purina around Simon's apartment, not because he heard her meow but because he sensed her on the other side of the door. I am not shitting you.

“...I saw a look of panic cross Purina's face and a look of pure lust cross Clive's as he prepared to woo.”

How does this even work? Does Clive think she is a giant russian lady cat?

“Of course the girl who meows when she has an orgasm is afraid of cats.”

An animal is charging her with unknown intent, I think common sense comes before irony.

Caroline enters Simon's apartment and has time to take a paragraph to talk about his decoration when a woman is shrieking in the next room. She goes into his bedroom and, again, she distracted from the task at hand. Honestly, the whole thing comes off as Three Stooges but with 3 women and a cat. Oh and Simon who yells at Caroline, while Mimi is yelling at him, and while Purina is yelling at everyone in Russian.

Eventually, it's just Simon and Caroline talking and Caroline explains the situation. Simon is vaguely clueless until Caroline tells him that it is because she meows. He does a very masculine giggle that annoys me because it is one more step toward Simon changing how he sees these women and Caroline not changing at all.

The chapter ends with Simon playing Pussy Control (I'm assuming the Prince song) because Caroline requested he not play big band music (they had a “moment” when they talked about big band but I just want this to be over). Oh, and we found out Purina's real name is Nadia because

Grey Cover/Chapter 1: Ego-bation

Because some people asked for it, and others thought it would be interesting, I am going to do a Let's Read for Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey as told by Christian. Naturally, it is by E. L. James and is listed as the fourth installment in the series. I will release one chapter a week (on Saturday) in addition to my regular Mon/Thurs Let's Read.

Before I begin, I want to say that I hold no ill will toward James and while I don't think she is a good writer, nothing I say is against her personally. I am only criticizing her work, not her. Now, with the type of hesitation you feel before free-falling from a plane, let's begin.

The Cover

It's just his eye. Seriously? Is that all? I've seen better pictures of the same thing at the county fair. People tend to use black and white photos because the perception is that black and white is more artistic, but the thing with black and white photos is that you need a higher contrast to make it interesting. Your blacks need to be blacker and your whites need to be whiter. If you do it for the sake of simplicity then what are you trying to emphasize?

The first time I saw this cover I actually thought they made his iris a bright pale blue but that was the result of the device I was using. In reality, the whole image is just gray, and that's boring. When I thought it was blue, the color broke up the image. As it is, the sameness of the coloring makes the picture seem creepy. Now I notice that only the area around his eye is lit, which happens when someone is peeking through a hole in the wall while watching you undress. I also notice the flaws. Like the imperfection that crosses into his pupil. Is it a reflection? Is it just how the model's eye looks? Is it bad Photoshop? Why didn't they Photoshop it out? (EDIT: I checked it out in the bookstore and apparently it is blue but now I can't unsee how creepy it is)

Anyway...I should probably get to the actual story sometime.

Chapter 1: Monday, May 9, 2011

“I have three cars. They go fast across the floor. So fast. One is red. One is green. One is yellow. I like the green one. It's the best. Mommy likes them, too.”

Either Christian was born in the mid-2000's or this is a flashback. If this really does happen in 2011, that means that the events of Fifty Shades of Grey take place in the 2030's. And if that is the case, then not only was it trashy erotica, it was futuristic trashy erotica. But my money is on a flashback.

Young Christian narrates that his mom is too coked out to pay attention to him or help him get his car out from under the couch.

“Mommy. My car. She doesn't hear me. Mommy. I pull her hand and she lies back and closes her eyes. Not now, Maggot. Not now, she says.”

Sif's golden hair, please tell me we are not going to spend this entire book with dialogue in italics.

And with a clumsy metaphor about not being able to reach his favorite car, he wakes up.

“What the hell was that about? I grasp at the fragments as they recede, but fail to catch any of them.

Dismissing it, like I do most mornings...”

So it is a recurring nightmare but you still don't know “what the hell” it was about, that's confusing.

Christian gets dressed and goes to work out in his personal gym.

“My thoughts stray to the day.”

Does anyone else feel like a word is missing there? Stray to the events of the day? Stray to the agenda of the day? Stray to the day when I finally end it all?

“I've nothing but meetings, though I'm seeing my personal trainer later for a workout at my office – Bastille is always a welcome challenge.”

Bastille? I don't remember if this character was a thing the first 3 books, I progressively paid less and less attention as time went on, but really? If you get into a fight with them is it considered storming the Bastille? Is their theme song Pompeii?

“Maybe I should call Elena?”

For those of you who have never read the other books, Elena is Christian's rapist. I thought about being funny or clever there, but really that is what she is. She is a friend of his adoptive mother who had sex with Christian when he was fifteen. This is handled terribly and the word “seduced” is used more often than not. Oh, and she is the one responsible for introducing him to the "BDSM" lifestyle. She is a terrible character (in both senses of the phrase) but one that stays in Christian's life because she is his “friend” and not his rapist.

Anyway...

A pagebreak happens and the story continues with Claude Bastille (because of course the Frenchman is named Claude) at Christian's office door. Now that I think about it, why would he be there? He worked out earlier, does he work out twice a day? That seems excessive.

Bastille leaves after beating Christian in some way. We don't get told what he is a personal trainer for so I'm going to assume it's Magic The Gathering, because Christian seems like the asshole who would Rule-Bully someone at a tournament.

 He was probably the one that got this guy thrown out

Christian laments how much business is done on the golf course because he “detest[s]” golf. Detest is a strong word, so I imagine he has some sort of golf trauma we don't know about.

“...and though I hate to admit it, playing against Bastille does improve my game.”

Bro, that is what you pay him for. I would be more surprised if it didn't improve your game.

“My mood is as flat and gray as the weather.”

As gray as my name. As gray as the title of this book. I'm gray daboo-di-daboo-die...

“The sobering truth is that the only thing to capture my interest recently has been my decision to send two freighters of cargo to Sudan.”

Christian is an American businessman and this is May of 2011, the US had and still has a trade embargo with Sudan. However, in 2011, Southern Sudan gained independence and the US department of Treasury lift the sanctions on Southern Sudan...on July 9, literally 2 months after this chapter. So, either the person hired to fact check the American-isms for this book missed this (the intro stated this person exists) or Christian's is a smuggler. Who knows maybe he is...

Christian bitches about having to do the interview with Kate, but I'm distracted by a thought. His personal trainer just left 5 minutes ago. Yeah, I joked about him teaching him MTG but he was probably doing something physical which means that Christian is going to be sweaty and gross in the interview. And why would they meet at his office anyway? Does he like to Jazzersize between meetings?

Anyway...

“Why the hell did I agree to this?”

That same question plagued me too when I first read the books. But I figured you had a bad case of plot convenience.

Apparently, the real reason is that he knows Kate's dad through business dealings. My question now changes from “why are you doing this” to “why are you wondering why you are doing this when you know exactly why?”

“A commotion at the door brings me to my feet as a whirl of long chestnut hair, pale limbs, and brown boots falls headfirst into my office.”

The fact that he notices what color shoes she is wearing that bugs me. I don't know why.

He helps Ana up and looks into her eyes.

“Clear, embarrassed eyes meet mine and halt me in my tracks. They are the most extraordinary color, powder blue, and guileless, and for one awful moment, I think she can see right through me and I'm left...exposed.”

I know this is supposed to be all sweet and powerful but I can't help but think of the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland.

“She has a small, sweet face that is blushing now, an innocent pale rose. I wonder briefly if all her skin is like that – flawless – and what it would look like pink and warmed from the bite of a cane.”

I didn't leave anything out. Okay, I left one sentence out between this quote and the last, but this is the first thought he has after seeing her for the first time and that is terrifying.

“What the hell are you thinking, Grey?”

Seriously, bro, what are you thinking?

“This girl is much too young.”

Okay...that is not the reason why you were in the wrong, but let's run with that.

“She gapes at me, and I resist rolling my eyes. Yeah, yeah, baby, it's just a face, and it's only skin deep. I need to dispel that admiring look from those eyes but let's have some fun in the process!”

How dare she think you are hot! I mean, your face is only skin deep and you want so much more than that. Like floggings. And is that second sentence why he is such an asshat the rest of the series? Are all three books him trying to “dispel that admiring look” from her eyes?

“She's quite attractive...”

So, she can't ogle you but you can ogle her? Yay, double standards! By the way, future sight tells me that he will be thinking about how sexy she is for the rest of the chapter.

Ana introduces herself.

“A bashful, bookish type, eh? She looks it: poorly dressed, her slight frame hidden beneath a shapeless sweater, an A-line brown skirt, and utilitarian boots. Does she have any sense of style at all?”

1. Fuck you. I'm totally bookish but gods below I've got style. It's not exactly Taylor Swift "Style" but it's style none-the-less.
2. I'm sure Christian knows what a A-line skirt looks like. I'm sure he cares about women's fashion so very much.
3. Does anyone else think that this sounds like the Cerulean outfit from The Devil Wears Prada?

They chat. Ana makes some inane comments that Christian mistakes for cleverness and he finds her clumsiness charming instead of annoying.

“As she fumbles and grows more and more flustered, it occurs to me that I could refine her motor skills with the aid of a riding crop. Adeptly used, it can bring the most skittish to heel.”

Everyone knows that this is not how BDSM works but I feel the need to say that, no, it doesn't work like that. That is abuse. That is conditioning. You are a creepy ass mo'fo'.

Ana apologizes for not being well practiced.

“I can tell, baby, but right now I don't give a damn because I can't take my eyes off your mouth.”

Porn has better dialogue than this. I assume...okay, so I've never watch porn. Sue me.

He makes a snarky comment and feels guilty

“Stop being such a shit, Grey.”

Why bother saying it if you never do.

He wonders why he agreed to do the commencement speech, and I have to wonder if he knows why he does anything any of the time. He is displeased that Ana is ill-prepared. I have a feeling his displeasure will be consistent throughout the book. He internal monologs about how awesome he is at the job we never see him do. It is one big ego stroke that comes crashing down when she dares to suggest that he is lucky.

“Lucky? How dare she? […] No one has ever suggested that I was lucky.”

Why is he treating this like she cut off his dick? I'm 5 pages in and I already find him insufferable.

She calls him a control freak, a comment that made no sense in the first book other than to elude to his sexual preferences and it does about as well here. There is some more ego masturbation and he gets off on her gaped response. The interview continues with him imagining her in different positions and I have to pause a moment. He just met her. They have known each other for ten minutes at most and he is already picturing her “spread-eagled” on his bed. I have worked with, and met, some pretty foxy people in my life, but I have never, ever, jumped to the “shackle them to the cross” fantasy upon introduction. I asked the resident male and he said, he also has not jumped to that conclusion.

Anyway...

Ana asks what he does to chill and relax.

“'Chill out?' Those words out of her smart mouth sound odd but amusing.”

1. When people say the phrase “smart mouth” it is not meant as a compliment.
2. Some of the smartest people I know still use contemporary slang. This is a thing you classist asshole.

“She has no idea what I do.”

And neither do we for that matter. So far, you have felt the need to tell us you've worked out twice and possibly smuggled goods to another country.

Christian considers his hobby of abusing and conditioning women but tells her about the legal stuff he does. They continue to chat and I have a feeling this is supposed to be revealing, but it is the same conversation from the first book and does nothing to add to our knowledge of Christian, just a lot of internal dialogue about how he is jonesing for her.

But then we get to the dreaded “are you gay” question

“What the hell!

I cannot believe she's said that out loud! […] How dare she! I have the sudden urge to drag her out of her seat, bend her over my knee, spank her, and then fuck her over my desk with her hands tied behind her back. That would answer her ridiculous question.”

Yes, because no gay guy has ever had sex with a woman ever, and there is no way he could be bi. And the only way to prove that he is the straightest manliest man who ever man'd is to rape her, because if you think a little thing like consent will get between him and his fantasy, you've got another thing coming. In short, I hated Christian before, but now that he is this homophobic, I hate him even more.

The interview continues and ends with some dialogue written around him wanting to “flog and fuck this girl in my playroom” it is all very tired and boring, but Christian is fascinated by the special snowflake that is Ana. So much so that the chapter ends with him ordering a background check on her. You know, nothing stalkery just the usual personal history, medical records, dental records, credit history. I'm kidding, I have no idea how intense of a background check he is asking for but knowing him, I wouldn't be surprised if he gets the results from her last pap smear.

And with that lovely thought, we are done with this Let's Read! Yay! I survived chapter 1. It can only go up from here right?

Wallbanger Chapter 6: The Kiss

Last time in Wallbanger...Caroline has a lot of wet dreams about Simon and gets invited to a party that Simon is at. Oh noes!

Chapter 6

“We stood staring at each other, waves of anger and annoyance pinging back and forth between us.”

Caroline realizes they are making a scene and wonders why Simon is there. I lied a little when I said 2 of my predictions were right. My first prediction was that he would be there AND know either host, until this point we haven't found out if that second part is true.

“'Caroline, I didn't realize you knew Simon. What a small world!' Jillian exclaimed clasping her hands together.”

And now I'm for realsies 2 for 4.

They trade insults while everyone trades exclamations. Caroline gets fed-up and pulls Simon outside for a chat.

“'You've got some nerve telling everyone about me, asshole!'”

No, this is not Simon, that's Caroline speaking, but Simon calls her out on her hypocrisy and Caroline defends by changing the subject to “I'm not a cockblocker”. Simon says what goes on in his house is his business.

“It was the smirk, that damn smirk, that made me go ballistic.”

Ukko's sweaty back, they are going to kiss within the next 10 paragraphs. I can sense it.

“...when I opened my mouth to tell him exactly what I thought, the fucker kiss me.”

CALLED IT!!!!! 3 for 4! I'm good. No lie, it was 5 paragraphs after the last sentence. I almost feel pathetic for being so familiar with the trope to call it so accurately. Anyway, you probably want some context. Well, this is essentially their conversation

Then she pulls away and smacks him, then kisses him again cause there is nothing like mixed signals and violence to get the sexy times going, amirite? They break apart for real and he makes a suggestive comment that she brushes off.

They go back to their friends. Chatting ensues. We find out Simon told his friend's that his cockblocker was a sexy looking cockblocker. Caroline leaves and everyone laughs about Simon's erection. (I'm not sure why).

“I turned to look at him. He was giving me a sexy little grin, and I knew that's what he used to make the panties drop. Ha – little did he know I wasn't wearing any.”

Simon tries to offer an olive branch, but Caroline assumes it's a invite. After they clear the misunderstanding they come to an agreement.

“'But you know, you don't really know anything abut me, and you certainly don't know anything about me and my 'harem,' as you call it. I don't have to justify my life, or the women in it, to you. So no more nasty judgments, agreed?'”

She agrees, but how sad is it that I don't believe her? Six chapters in and I'm pretty sure that judgment is her hobby.

Caroline makes a joke about his dick breaking off.

“...proud to use my zinger again.”

It wasn't funny the first time.

“'Unbelievable. That's all you think I am, isn't it?' he retorted, his face angry again.”

I don't blame him for being mad, I would be too.

“'A dick? Yes, in fact,' I snapped back.”

Okay, the more Caroline talks the more I think she is secretly an internet troll. She thinks she is more funny and clever than she actually is, and likes to pretend that the consequences for what she says and does are not her fault.

We find out that Neil (slated as Mimi's beau) is a sports news commentator. Sophia is a little fangirly over that because she likes football. I have a feeling Clayton is setting us up for a bait and switch. Neil is what Mimi usually looks for in a guy and Ryan is Sophia's type, but it will probably end with Ryan and Mimi, and Neil and Sophia.

The pair of pairs go off to a bar and Simon has to drive Caroline home.

 I don't watch Teen Wolf but this guys expression matched my feelings perfectly

“He'd opened the door for me when I approached the Rover, probably some ingrained training from his mother.”

Because he can't have good manners without them being taught to him by his mother.

“This was going to end badly, I could tell.”

That has pretty much been my mantra for the last 61 pages.

As Simon drives Caroline can't help but think about the kiss.

“His kiss was almost a dare, calling my bluff – a promise of what would follow if I allowed it.”

This is all well and good but the kiss came before she said she would never sleep with him, so how is it calling her bluff? Was it a preemptive strike? Did Simon anticipate that she would vow to never be his bed mate?

They chat, and he gives control over the music to her. She leans over to fiddle with the radio and

“His hand grazed against the side of my breast, and we both flinched. 'What, you tryin' to cop a feel there?' I snapped”

Caroline, his hands are on the wheel. If you lean so far over that your boobs touch his hand, it is not his fault. Simon says as much, but Caroline insists that he moved his hand. More chatting about Push-up bras and the artist Too $hort.

“He nodded at my choice. 'Too Short? Interesting selection. Not many women would have chosen this'”

I can't decide if this is misogynistic or an insult. Misogynistic because he is assuming that women would not listen to rap when of course women do, and that would make his comment a “you're not like other girls” compliment. Or it's an insult because most women who listen to rap would have better taste than Too $hort. Could you imagine if it was the latter?

Simon: Too $hort? Interesting selection. Not many women would have chosen this.

Caroline: Thanks, I like to keep it real.

Simon: No, I mean most women would go with someone better like Nicki Minaj, or Kendrick Lemar, or Lupe Fiasco. Heck, or if you wanted to stick with old school rap go with Notorious B.I.G.

Really, I have nothing against Too $hort, and I won't mitigate his contribution to west coast rap, but he never interested me.

Anyway...

They chat about their friends and how Caroline knows Jillian. Jillian has mentioned Caroline to Simon before, when Simon refuses to elaborate, Caroline gets tense.

“...worried that perhaps she's said something about my work.”

Again, a nice relatable thing for her to say. Go Clayton.

Simon tells Caroline that Jillian has wanted to set Caroline up with Simon. Caroline asks if Jillian knows about his Lady Friends.

“'Would you quit with that? Don't call them the harem. You make it sound so shady. What if I told you those three women were incredibly important to me? That I care a lot about them. That the relationships I have with them work for us, and no one else needs to understand it – got it?'”

Seriously, this makes me happy because it is true. As long as everyone is being open and honest about their relationship, then it is no one elses business. I really hope that this doesn't change later on.

“'Hey, you know what? You're right. Who am I to say what's right or wrong for anyone else.'”

I REALLY hope that this doesn't change later on.

“'I'm just surprised Jillian would want to set you up with me. She knows I'm a pretty traditional girl, that's all'”

In the last chapter, Caroline was talking about looking for her Soul-Orgasm. Is that really considered a traditional value?

Simon says that Jillian doesn't know about his Lady Friends, and that he knows her through Benjamin. Benjamin was a family friend to his parents and currently manages Simon's investments.

“'Oooh, your investments. Have a few savings bonds left over from birthdays there, moneybags?'”

He says “something like that” but all this is, is a way to let us know that he is loaded. Caroline comments on how strange this all is.

“'Well, I mean, Benjamin and Jillian both knowing us, us meeting at a party like this, and you being the one that's been keeping me nocturnally amused all these weeks. Small world, I suppose?'”

Don't draw attention to how contrived this is. It feels like this

Simon says, if he would have known who Jillian was talking about, he would have said yes. Caroline says, if she would have known, she would have said no. They settle their truce, but before Simon goes he mentions the thin walls and says

“'Sweet dreams.'”

To which, Caroline realizes

“Mother of pearl. He'd heard me.”

As in, Simon has heard her call out his name in ecstasy. What is odd about that is that he doesn't know that they are dreams. What if she is just masturbating to him? I don't know, but at least the chapter is over.

Wallbanger Chapter 5: Pre-Game Pre-Dictions

Last time in Wallbanger...Simon has more sex (at this point, that's a given) Caroline has a shitty day, Simon's bedroom acrobatics interrupt Caroline's “personal” time and so she returns the favor by banging on his door.

Chapter 5

This chapter begins with a dream sequence (trust me, my instincts say dream sequence) where Caroline is getting wallbanged by Simon.

“I closed my eyes, letting myself feel how deeply I was being affected. And by deep, I mean deep...”

“His eyes, those damnable blue eyes...”

I didn't mention in the last entry that his eyes were blue because I didn't want to type “of course” 3 times. But yes, he has blue eyes because all leading characters in books have recessive genes. That's how those work right?

“And promptly woke up...”

“Ever since the night Simon and I 'met' in the hallway, I couldn't stop dreaming about him.”

Ah, so some indeterminate amount of time has passed. Gotcha.

Caroline talks about how she dreams about him a bunch even though she knows he is bad for her, but she can't hold back her lusty feelings! So much so that she requires self control when handling a banana. And then the next three paragraphs are all sitcom style innuendo. It's all terrible but to show you how terrible here is one of the more subtle ones

“This was headed south fast. And by south I mean...”

She replays the night they met in her head. She yells at him. He doesn't realize there is a problem and tells her to calm down. Which was a mistake if you know what I mean

She details his exploits to let him know she can indeed hear him, but because a wild crazy lady has appeared to challenge his lifestyle (Caroline), he gets mad himself. He rightfully tells her that it's his life and that this is not the time or place to be having this discussion. She yells some more and he makes the very distasteful comment

“'Well, how come you can hear me and I can't hear you? Wait, wait, there's no one banging on your walls, is there?'”

This is a dick move and I can't emphasize enough how much I hate slut-shaming/prude-shaming. That being said I cannot resist using this gif

She suddenly realizes she is wearing lingerie

“Pink baby doll nightie. What a way to establish credibility.”

Now, I agree that Simon has a right to be pissed. Some random woman interrupts his orgasm to yell at him for a problem he didn't know existed. I also agree that Caroline has the right to be pissed. Some random dude is relentlessly disrupting her sleep and she has had a bad day. But I can't imagine why her clothes would factor in her credibility. Does owning lingerie mean your complaints about noise levels are invalid? Is that on the back of the receipts to Frederick's of Hollywood or Victoria's Secret? Warning! Sexy clothes may invalidate you're problems?

He gives her the old elevator stare and winks at her sending her stomping off fuming. Personally, I would have hit him too, but hey that is me. She goes to work and

 

My new page break picture

At work Caroline talks to Jillian (her boss) about Jillian's house. The renovations are done and a housewarming party will happen the following weekend. It's about a page and a half of mostly realistic dialogue with one exception

Caroline: Can we bring anything, and can we stare at your fiance?

Jillian: Don't you dare, and I would except nothing less.

I like that Jillian is secure in her relationship and I know that Caroline does not actually have a crush on her bosses future husband, but that just sounds weird. Can't place why, it just weirds me out.

Caroline is having lunch with the BFF's. That goes thusly

Friends

Caroline

and then the narrative is side tracked by talking about how pretty the girls are and what type of girlfriend they make. Sofia is self assured with a type-A personality. Mimi is an adult lolita. And then there is Caroline

“I'd been told I was pretty, and on some days I believed it.”

Mmmhmmm, I'm sure you have self-esteem issues.

She then talks about their types. Sofia likes cowboys. Mimi likes big men. Caroline likes men with money (but not because she is materialistic but because a guy stole her credit card once) and he has to like the outdoors. So, basically Indiana Jones. One thing before I move on though, Caroline talks about a time when Sofia was wasted and Caroline used her “best Oklahoma accent” and Sofia wanted to pounce her. If Sofia is bi or lesbian that's fine, and I am even willing to accept the tired “it was college” excuse, but what bugs me is this: Caroline did it to mess with her. Her exact words are

“I'd messed with her one night when she was wasted using my best Oklahoma accent.”

That is fucked up. She baited and seduced one of her best friends because she thought it would be funny. And what if Sofia is not straight? No doubt Caroline teased her relentlessly for this incident thereby ensuring that Sofia would never come out to her. It is mean to jokingly play with someones feelings because you never know when they are being serious.

Anyway...

They talk about the incident with Simon. She says he is hot but she that doesn't care but then says

“'And then that morning, he's in the hallway with Purina, kissing on her!'”

A few things

1. If this was the night of the shouting match, his bedfellow was The Giggler, not Purina. Continuity, please.
2. How does one kiss "on" someone? Was he kissing all of her? Just her hand? Was he kissing someone else but using Purina as a mattress?

We get the reminder that Jillian does not know this neighbor because he is new and therefore cannot be held socially responsible for Caroline's problems. They leave lunch. Sofia takes Caroline home and repeats what she said at the restaurant.

It's a week later and they are getting ready for the party that will no doubt change everything. They are pre-gaming but here are my pre-party pre-dictions

1. Simon will be there, either knowing Jillian, her fiance, or both.
2. They will clash and probably kiss in that angry making out way that always seems less rapey in books and movies than it does in real life.
3. I will not be amused or impressed but I will try to enjoy myself none the less (kinda like in real life when I am at a party).

Caroline hears Simon and “two other distinctly male voices” next door I will add a 4^th prediction: Simon's two friends and Caroline's BFF's will get together.

Suddenly, Simon starts blasting “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns and Roses and Caroline approves. I guess they are the type of people who like all kinds of music (except country probably).

“I put a headband low on my forehead and did Axl's crab dance back and forth...”

I'm not a huge GnR fan, they were a talented group that some of my favorite non-fic writers like to talk about, but I just missed the train when it came to the fandom. That being said, even I know it's a snake dance, not a crab dance.

Then this sitcom becomes a romcom with the young women jumping on the bed shriek singing lyrics.

“I started to feel the bed moving underneath us, and I realized it was banging merrily against the wall – Simon's wall.”

She then gets a vaguely perverse pleasure from Simon angrily shutting off the music and banging on her wall. Then, I promise I am giving as much context as is available, this dialogue happens.

Caroline: Give it up, mister! No sex for you!

Simon: Tons of sex for me, sister. None for you!

Here is the sequence of events.

1. Simon plays music
2. Caroline et al get noisy
3. Simon stops music and bangs on wall
4. Bwahahaha you can't have sex
5. Lies! All the sex for me! No, sex for you

Did I miss something? What does her making noise have to do with him having sex? As far as we can tell he wasn't having sex right now. Is she saying that she will be loud and noisy and interrupt him having sex every time she hears him? What does this have to do with anything? Is it just for a plant/pay off for when they get to the party and see each other and awkwardness ensues? If so, this is some contrived wacky shinnanigans.

“'The nerve, I mean, the mother-loving nerve of that guy! He has the balls to actually bang on my wall, on my wall?'”

I hate saying this because it sounds childish, but you started it. Really, this all Caroline's fault. If she talked to Simon during the day when she heard him next door instead of gossiping about him and fuming, she might have gotten off that night and not gotten into a shouting match with him. But no, she needed to be as passive-aggressive as possible when she seems fine with facing any other problem head on.

Caroline is determined to not let Simon ruin her night, but just you wait and see.

“And if we were lucky, [Jillian's] fiance would let us see the pictures of him when he was a swimmer in college, back when swimmers still just wore tiny Speedos.”

According to my cousin who is a swimmer and teaches swim, they still do wear Speedos. Apparently, at bigger events people tend to wear long pants, but at smaller events they tend to wear Speedos. I wonder why...If any of you readers are scientists/researchers in need of an idea, you should research Speedo frequency in relation to crowd sizes at swim meets.

It's a hard job, but somebody should do it for science!

In the car ride, there is a joke about Sophia and Caroline being “pseudo-lesbians” which rubs me the wrong way but it is mostly used as a segue for them to talk about their soulmates.

“Eh...I'd just settle for my Soul-O.”

And yet you begrudge Simon getting laid at his current rate.

They arrive that the most ridiculous and ostentatious house this side of “Cribs”. I will skip the details, because there are a lot of them and there is still 5 pages left to this chapter, but suffice it to say it is a small mansion on a hill with it's own personal “hillevator” (hill-elevator) to get from the parking to the house.

At the party, Mimi and Sophia see the guys of their respective dreams, Neil and Ryan. And, because I am really related to Professor Trelawney, 2 of my predictions came true. Simon is at the party and is friends with Neil and Ryan.

Caroline: Fucking Wallbanger

Simon: Fucking Pink Nightie Girl

Really, Simon? Pink Nightie Girl? Lame. Caroline doesn't think it is lame however, she thinks it is infuriating. She tries to kill him with a look, but

“He

Was

Still

Smirking.”

I

Really

Hope

All

The

Chapters

Don't

End

Like

This.

And that is that. Tune in next time to see if my other 2 predictions come true. Also, I looked at your coffee grounds from this morning and you will most certainly die eventually.