Wallbanger Chapter 14: The Return Home

Heads up gentle reader, my keyboard is dying so there may be more typos than usual. I will try to catch them all, but I'm not exactly Ash Ketchum .

Last time in Wallbanger...Caroline and Simon made out in a hot tub. Simon decided to be a decent person and not have sex with the inebriated Caroline and risk their friendship. Caroline was not happy with this, but was happy with the sweater he got her that she can't stop herself from sniffing.

Chapter 14

“Inside a black range rover on the way back to San Francisco...”

I didn't add the ellipses. Why do I have the feeling I'm going to hate where this is going?

“Caroline: Okay, I can do this...”

Oh no.

“Simon: She's smiling at me...I can smile back at her, right?”

So, instead of writing the whole book in third person so we can be privy to everyone's thoughts and feelings, Clayton chose to write this in (mostly) first person with random shifts to other narrative styles when the plot needs it. Is this my punishment for complaining about Boy Window's POV shifts? Is this Rony (the god of Irony) laughing at me? Cause that's what it feels like.

To sum up

Caroline: Stupid Simon rejecting my wet, mostly naked, breasts when he was hard.

Simon: Why must I be so noble? Things aren't working out with my other ladies. Thinking about last night is getting me hard again. I'm a pervert for getting erect at the thought of wet, most naked, breasts.

Caroline: Simon said he doesn't want to have sex with me when I wasted because it could potentially ruin our relationship and yet he is checking out my ass. Mixed signals!

Simon: Caroline is sniffing a lot, I wonder if she has a cold.

Caroline: Let's think about why I pounced Simon? ...or not.

Simon: Caroline smells good. Why do some “girls” smell like flowers or fruit?

Caroline: I will never admit I like Simon even to myself. And I can not comprehend someone not wanting to have sex.

Simon: Caroline is practically perfect in every way and I may or may not want a serious relationship.

Caroline: I can't imagine Simon turning me down out of chivalry even though he said “Obviously I'm attracted to you. How could I not be? You're amazing. But you were drunk, I was drunk, and as great as it would have been it would have – ah, it would have changed things” because that is too simple.

Simon: I like Caroline.

Caroline: I refuse to admit I may like Simon.

Then we get a page break but before I put the picture up I wanted to let you know that I just condensed 6 pages worth of “introspection”. I did cut out Mimi and Ryan's inner monologue, because it wasn't important. And I cut out the six or so times one of the guys says they were hard. You're welcome!

Simon drops off Ryan and Mimi at Mimi's place and heads to his and Caroline's apartment. Caroline thinks some more about her tryst with Simon.

“The thing is, though, I did think his head was in it, at least until he thought about it too much.”

It took you how many pages to figure that out? You sure are a quick one Caroline.

They decide to try and act like nothing happened and go their separate ways.

Fast-forward a week and Caroline is at work. Her boss expresses concern and asks her to lunch.

At lunch, Caroline and Jillian talk about Tahoe and then stop themselves from trying to figure out the complicated workings of Simon because them men folk, amirite?

Caroline reads her fortune cookie

“Be aware of the walls you build and what could be on the other side”

“Confucius, you kill me.”

Some how I doubt that Kongzi wrote or said anything like that.

“Text from James to Caroline”

Yay...my favorite...

James and Caroline make plans for their date. Again we are told Caroline hates pho (which just proves she is evil) and that their professional relationship will end in a week.

Caroline considers talking to Simon but chooses not to because she hears him answering a phone call from one of his lady friends.

There are more page breaks in this chapter than there are jokes in this let's read. I'm both sad and impressed.

Caroline is all dressed up for James. Okay, it's really for herself, and she even admits she is using him. The man in question knocks and she talks about how familiar it all is. Naturally, Simon interrupts.

“He had a fake smile plastered across his face, and his voice was colder than I'd ever heard it before.”

So far, Simon is the only character I don't completely hate, so please let him not take a turn for the douchie. Pretty please.

Her date was fine, but Caroline's heart wasn't in it. When James walks her to her door, she over hears Simon talking to a lady and decides to invite James in. They almost go at it but then James offhandedly

says

“'I'm so glad I needed a decorator.'”

and that does it for Caroline. She could put herself through sex if she wasn't interested, but she would not put up with him demeaning her career. Eh, to each their own I guess.

James leaves loudly, Caroline is mad at herself and throws a shoe. It hits Simon.

“Holding the shoe like some kind of late-night Prince Charming to my slutty O-less Cinderella...”

I just don't get you Caroline, and I don't think I ever will.

Caroline gets even more mad, lashing out at Simon for coming over to check on her when he heard yelling.

“'Why do all men seem to think they need to rescue a woman? Are we not capable of rescuing our damn selves?'”

Where is this coming from? What rescuing? If I heard someone I was close to having a fight I would want to see if they were okay. Simon didn't come in with a weapon ready to fight. He calmly entered her room and asked if she was okay. And why is this the one progressive thing she has said when she claims to be a liberate woman? And why is it at the least appropriate time?

Caroline screeches like a barn owl about the significance of her career and how she will never eat Vietnamese food for someone ever again. Simon makes attempts to agree with her but Caroline will have none of it. She shouts some more about how she doesn't need rescuing before finally calming down and admitting that James is not a bad guy but not the guy for her.

Also, I just want to mention, Caroline says twice in so many pages that

“'I know you think James is some kind of psycho'”

but Simon has never called him that. When they met the first time, Simon just expressed a dislike. The only time the word psycho appears in the text is the two times Caroline uses it in this chapter.

Anyway...

Caroline cries. Simon comforts. Caroline gets catty and asks about Nadia. Simon says they met for drinks to end their relationship.

“Why did Heart have to be so in to this?”

I don't know, ask Ma-Ti.

Simon explains that his non-committal relationships aren't working for him anymore and he asks her to join him in Spain.

“He was going Spain on me?”

I'm trying to imagine what “going Spain” would look like and I've got to say it is slapstick in my head.

Caroline walks Simon to the door. Simon still wants to talk but Caroline wants to sleep. She says she has two things she wants to tell him.

“'First, you hurt my feelings in Tahoe'”

Yeah, how dare he not want to have casual sex with someone he has a close relationship with. He's an asshole for showing restraint and respecting her enough to not take advantage of the situation.

When Simon tries to interrupt she says

“'Shut it, Simon. I don't want a rehash.'”

Which I find funny because half of this chapter and the last was rehash.

Caroline tells Simon to never hurt her feelings again, and the second thing she wanted to tell him was

“'I'm coming with you to Spain.'”

The chapter is over and with that news I am predicting classic rom-com airport chase scene shenanigans. We'll see...

Wallbanger Chapter 13: Cauldron of Chlorinated Chemistry

I know it's been a couple (7) months since I posted here last but life happened and after being gone from this for so long I found that I really missed doing it. I may not be posting as frequently as before, but I am going to try to put stuff out again. So without further ado, let's resume.

Last time in Wallbanger...lots of drinking in hot tubs, signs of opulence, and Caroline yells at everyone like a howler monkey. Also, Simon and Caroline kissed.

Chapter 13

“The sky opened up...”

Because this is a romance novel and floral language is par for the course, I half expected this to be metaphorical. It's not. But Caroline is too busy lusting after Simon to go inside the house.

“'Mmm, Caroline, what are you up to?'”

Simon, she is straddling you in a hot tub, what do you think she is about?

“...his hands strong on my waist as his fingers dug into my skin.”

Ouch, ask if she's into that first, bro.

“I could barely see him through the haze of steam from the hot tub and the lust now brewing in this little cauldron of chlorinated chemistry.”

Atrocious alliteration Batman! That is an unsexy image.

“As I settled on his lap again...”

You never left it. I reread the start of the chapter to this point a few times to make sure I didn't miss anything, and I didn't. She didn't move.

“His grin was hard, and so was he.”

I know what she is trying to say, but does any one else find that oddly phrased? A hard grin is usually an unfeeling, unyielding grin. It's not inviting or friendly, and given that sexy times are about to happen, you would think that Simon's grin would be sexy and inviting. Therefore, I am led to believe that Clayton phrased this this way for the pun. And it's not even a good pun.

They proceed to have make outs. It's described as primal and sensual in a way that reminds me of the time when Buffy and Spike brought down an abandoned building, but less erotic.

“...our tongues and teeth and lips smacking and cracking...”

Ow, that sounds like a little kid smashing two dolls' faces together to simulate kissing.

“...my legs scrambling as I panted like a whore in church.”

Is this a commonly used phrase that I'm too uncool or uncultured to get it?

“The idea that a kiss, just a kiss, had turned me into this giant lusting bag of CarolineNeedThat was undeniable...”

I don't think it has “turned” Caroline into anything. She has always been lusty, all that's changed is now she can exercise that lust.

“'Come into my Tahoe, Simon'”

“'You feel uncommonly good'”

Now she is busting out her high society compliments? As he is mounting her in the hot tub, that is when she decides to dust off the Edwardian praise. Are she going to pause to tell him how she has long thought him the handsomest of men?

Nope, actually, Simon breaks things off saying that he can't. Caroline is...not happy

Simon: No, Caroline, not you. Not like –

Caroline: Well, don't I feel like a fucking idiot?

Caroline tries to laugh it off and walk away while Simon tries to explain. Caroline slips and falls and when Simon tries to help her up she reflects on how unsexy her bikini is. She starts to cry because she thinks he doesn't want her, and this all makes somewhat sense, but at the same time we all know he was trying to be a good person. I'm pretty sure what he was trying to explain is that he doesn't want to bone her while she is drunk.

So drunk in fact that she has a conversation with her reflection about how Simon will fuck anyone but her. In any other book, I would assume that this is supposed to be a sign that the narrator is unreliable, but some how I don't think that's the case. Caroline collapses on her bed and the phone rings.

The BFF's are appropriately coupled and Caroline is hating their overt happiness. We find out that she talked to James before she fell asleep. He made her laugh and asked her out and Caroline was desperate enough for the attention that she agreed.

Caroline gets pissy when Mimi asks about her night and storms off. The girls go to talk to her about it and Caroline gets all defensive asking what did they think would happen

“This isn't some romance novel.”

If only this were a romance novel, then maybe I would like it more.

Caroline yells at her friends for thinking that she and Simon would get together then Simon comes in to talk to her about the night before. They leave the house to talk and when Caroline keeps interrupting Simon's explanations he says

“'You have to shut up, okay? You keep interrupting me, and watch how fast you get tossed in that very lake'”

Nothing like violence to get you swooning.

Simon explains that he likes their friendship and wouldn't want to see it ruined by his amazing dick. He admits that he is completely attracted to her but he couldn't allow himself to bone her. Things seem to normalize and Simon says the ominous line

“'Always good when what you need and what you want are the same things'”

They are all packing up their cars to leave Tahoe and Caroline get Mimi to ride with her and Simon so she doesn't have to go alone. Simon gives her a sweater he got her from Ireland and the chapter ends with her sniffing it.

It's good to be back.

Wallbanger Chapter 12: Hot Tub Time

Miss me? Sorry for the absence gentle reader, but a few very “important” things happened last week. First, there was comic con, and while I intended to work on my let's reads during panel lines, it was a bit too cumbersome to do so. Second, Go Set A Watchman by Harper Lee came out and for those interested in my feelings on that, a review will be posted to agonybooth.com within the next few days. Third, Armada by Ernest Cline came out (I should be getting a review of that out as well). Fourth, The School for Good and Evil 3 comes out tomorrow so I had to finish book 2 before Armada and Watchman came out (no review for that one unless asked). So yeah, I “had” to get through those three books and two others within the last ten days which set me back on my let's read. I know you need my snarky commentary in your life, so without further ado, to the let's read!

Last time in Wallbanger...Caroline and Simon went on a road trip together to meet their friends in Tahoe and they were cute when they were just being buds.

Chapter 12

Neil and Ryan are having a hot tub no-homo moment while Simon and Caroline are mouthing words at each other, and I'm amazed at the accuracy of their lip reading. Caroline narrates how Simon is the super sexiest man ever.

“Brain was getting a bit fuzzy. Heart was beginning to sing Etta James songs.”

I know she probably means “At Last” but I'm thinking “I'd Rather Go Blind” which always makes me want to cry in a beer.

They banter a bit and Caroline mentally recaps what happened between chapters. Nothing too interesting, just a lot of long stares, but the phrase

“...we were smack dab in the middle of a sexual soup...”

is delightfully grotesque. Who would think of something like that? It's so disturbing there is nothing I can do but laugh.

Caroline observes the BFF's interaction and how casual it is.

“...[Sophia] and Neil talked back and forth about the 49ers' starting lineup or defensive line or something football-ish and, frankly, boring.”

Yeah, football is boring, but listening to you make sex jokes a pubescent teen would enjoy is the height of entertainment. No, wait the real fun is listening to Caroline talk about Simon's piercing gaze across the hot tub.

They try to figure out what they are doing the next day. Ryan suggests hiking, but Sophia declines because she may hurt her hands and she needs them to play cello.

“Once she dodged hand jobs all winter. Investment banker Bob was not a happy camper.”

I don't think I have ever heard or seen someone pissed because their partner wouldn't given them a hand job. But I guess different strokes for different folks.

Mimi also backs out of hiking but Caroline is game. Caroline gets Ryan and Mimi talking, and Simon gets Sophia and Neil talking. Simon is apparently super flexible because he lifts his foot above the water to give Caroline a foot high five. Maybe he was leaning back and floating a little but with 5 other people in the water with him, I find that hard to believe.

“...a fireplace with a hearth almost ten feet wide...”

To give you an idea of how big ten feet is, that is about two feet taller than the standard height for a room. Therefore, I am must ask WHAT THE FUCK!? Who needs a fireplace with a hearth ten feet wide? I get it, all the characters in this are made of money and white privilege (even though Mimi is described as Filipino), but this is ridiculous. Why so opulent Sophia's grandparents? Are you trying to compensate for something?

Mimi gets Caroline and Simon talking about windsurfing. Caroline wants to learn and Simon is willing to teach. They then talk about sleeping arrangements.

Simon: Well, how many rooms we talking about?

Sophia: There are four bedrooms, so take your pick.

Only four? I'm sure that the house with a ten foot fireplace would have a dozen rooms each with its own maid. But that wouldn't allow for wacky shenanigans now would it?

Caroline and Simon suggest that couples pair off and they will take the remaining rooms, then they leave before anyone can hurt them for the suggestion. Caroline hopes that it works out because she is fairly certain that her BFF's are plotting to murder her if it doesn't.

Caroline and Simon banter about hiking and their rooms sharing a wall.

The guys + Caroline are hiking and Caroline is thinking about how her friends will react when they realize they want to sleep with the other beau. Caroline and Simon are the first to reach the top of the hill and they say how everything is beautiful before Simon steps close to Caroline and tension builds. Personally, I'm waiting for a convenient interruption.

“Simon leaned toward me, just barely, but almost as if he were going to...

'Parker!' thundered from below, and we both sprang back.”

“Now that the voodoo wasn't so concentrated, I could see things clearly again, and I repeated the word harem over and over again in my head.”

Why does she keep using Simon's lady friends as an excuse to not bone him? Did she ask all of her previous one-night stands if they were currently boning anyone else?

Ryan is there to tell them that Neil is calling it quits. Simon is bummed because he almost got make-outs.

“'Besides, if we don't hurry, we can't tease Neil about getting beat up the mountain by a girl,' I grinned, and he laughed loudly.”

Must. Resist. Feminist. Rant. Must. Not. Give. In. To. My. Hate.

How can this book try to be so progressive and yet still enforce casual misogyny? Simon has atypical relationships with woman who are only seen as trampy by Caroline, but otherwise treated with respect. Caroline is fairly sexually liberated and claims that not all women want the same things. Caroline is also shown complimenting herself in a way that is not framed as conceited or egotistical. Yet, we get shit like this where characters are completely comfortable mocking a man because a woman was a better athlete. Neil is less of a man because a “girl” was able to best him, because if he was more of a man, he would naturally be better than the grown woman who regularly exercises and performs outdoor sports (note the sarcasm). Okay, I'm done with my rant.

The chapter resumes with Caroline et al returning to the house from the hike.

“'So how was your gangbang, Caroline?' Sophia sang sweetly...”

Just so no one thinks I'm over-reacting, the dictionary definition of “gangbang” is several people raping one person successively. This is not funny. Rape is not funny. The only rape joke that I have ever found in any way amusing was Amy Schumer's Friday Night Lights Parody Sorry, Clayton I can't laugh at this.

The guys do spit takes, but Caroline calmly replies that she was such an excellent sex object that Neil had to give up early.

Caroline thinks about giving Sophia an easy out and just asking her about her feelings about Neil but then Sophia (still angry at Caroline for putting her in multiple awkward situations with Neil) makes a comment about how unflattering Caroline's shorts are.

“Nope. Not going to happen. No easy out.”

Why is Caroline evil? Instead of understanding the difficult situation her long time friend is in and how that may cause her to say and do things against her better judgment, Caroline jumps straight to hostility. How does she have any friends at all?

Sophia asks who is watching Clive. Caroline explains that Sandford and Anthony from earlier are watching Clive and makes a few gay stereotype comments, but are we really surprised? Then some more gay jokes when Mimi comes in.

“'Is this a private session, or can a non-lesbian get into this bed?'”

In another world, Sophia is bisexual, pansexual, or gay, and all these little comments about her being closeted tear her up inside.

Things take a turn for the exploitative when the guys walk by the open door with the ladies all on one bed. Not much happens until Ryan winks at Mimi and Sophia gets uncomfortable because then Caroline says

“I was really going to have fun with these two tonight.”

and then of course we get a

They are drinking and eating and everyone is flirting with the person they like. Simon asks

“'How long before they kiss?'”

My bet is within the next two chapters. Caroline says she doesn't know but she hopes soon. This is, of course, a subtle hint that Caroline is hoping she and Simon will kiss soon but all the subtly is taken out when Caroline narrates

“...I was no longer talking about our friends. And knowing full well he knew full well I was no longer talking about our friends.”

Because I wasn't sure I got it, thanks.

Caroline chants harem in her head, and The BFF's declare it's hot tub time. Caroline is decidedly drunk-idy-drunk-drunk. Simon tries to be responsible, but backs off when he is more or less called a buzzkill.

It's hot tub time and they are playing truth or dare because we haven't had an attack of plot convenience in a while. Caroline chooses truth, Mimi asks where she wants to go that she hasn't. Simon says that is a lame truth, but they go with it anyway. Caroline says Spain and everyone is all surprised even though she said she wanted to go there in the chapter with the non-date. As it turns out Simon is going to Spain and everyone pressures Caroline into going with Simon, but she gets snappy and every let's it drop. It's one of the few times I am okay with bitchy Caroline.

But bitchy Caroline wouldn't be bitchy Caroline if she didn't dare Mimi to kiss Neil knowing that no one will enjoy this. They do and Caroline is actually pissed because they kiss without incident. Again, she is evil. But we haven't hammered that idea home until Caroline loses her shit and starts yelling at Neil for kissing Mimi and airing everyone's dirty laundry and sex life. Simon has to forcibly restrain Caroline from screaming like a crazy woman, and everyone carries on.

And you know what? It fucking works. Everyone pairs off with the person they want and Caroline gets away with throwing verbal shit at everyone. Consequences? What consequences? They only consequence she sees is making out with Simon. They both ask

“'Why did you kiss me?'”

referring to the party that changed everything. And they both reply.

“'Because I had to'”

And then make outs happen, but more importantly, the chapter is over. Thank you blessed Minerva.

Wallbanger Chapter 11: Road Trip

Last time in Wallbanger...some non-dates, bad baking form, and a scary movie. They also fell asleep cuddling because scary movies are scary.

Chapter 11

Caroline wakes up and is having a discussion with herself over cuddling with Simon.

“But I shouldn't be nooking with Simon. Brain knew better. Nerves were in agreement.”

Eyes were getting tired of Caroline's excessive compartmentalization but Brain knew better.

Caroline thinks about how Simon's parents are dead.

“I was close with my parents. They still lived in the same house where I'd grown up, in a small town in southern California.”

So close that this is the first time they were mentioned. She says she likes her independence and that's why we haven't heard anything about them until now, but it feels like an excuse. She pities Simon but is impressed by his ability to not let their deaths rule his life, which I have to admit makes me happy. I'm tired of Bruce Wayne style love interests.

Caroline snuggles some more and feels the warning bells of love, another thing for the bingo card. Caroline rationalizes why they can't be together and falls asleep to Simon whispering her name.

Caroline wakes up and she is a kitty in bed. As in, she takes up all the space

“My toes and Lower Caroline curled.”

Ew. No, that doesn't work like that. If any part of your genitalia curls, please consult a medical professional. Immediately.

Simon says they need to make ground rules for next time, Caroline says there won't be a next time.

“He smiled that smile, and I sighed.”

That sigh?

Caroline briefly fantasizes about sex with Simon

“...but I wisely got control of my inner whore.”

I will admit that I hated the “inner goddess” aspect of Ana's personality in 50 Shades, but this isn't any better. Caroline is wildly inconsistent when it comes to sex positivity. She is fine if she has a series one night stands but is disgusted by Simon's casual relationships. She says she isn't looking for love, only a good orgasm, but says she needs to control her “inner whore.” So which is it Caroline? Can women enjoy sex without being whores or not?

They make breakfast in a choreographed silence that is sweet but confuses me. What if Simon doesn't like granola with milk? What if Caroline didn't want banana? Too bad, they put it all together and chatted about work. Simon tells Caroline he is doing a local vacation piece and then meeting everyone in Tahoe and they agree to drive together.

“Text between Mimi and Sophia”

They get mad because Caroline is working with her ex and talk about singalongs.

“Text between Neil and Mimi”

Neil is surprised that Sophia knows how to bowl.

“Text between Neil and Simon”

Simon tells Neil that he is driving Caroline and asks about Sophia.

“Text between Mimi and Caroline”

I guess if nothing else this is efficient if a little boring.

Mimi scolds Caroline for not telling her about James.

“Text between Caroline and Simon”

Innuendo and ocean cliffs.

“Text between Caroline and Sophia”

Sophia scolds Caroline because she is working with James.

“Text between Simon and Caroline”

Baking innuendo and bad driving.

“'I'm not listening to this.'”

I will listen to whatever you have to play or say just don't go back to texting.

Caroline says how Simon is quickly becoming one of her favorite people and I would like this a lot more if I didn't know that they will get together. It would be nice to think that they could just be friends because some of their best scenes together are when they are just being playful and friendly.

Caroline objectifies him pretty intensely. It's forgettable, just know he is swoon worthy.

Caroline considers how feasible it would be to have sexy times while Simon drove, considering the terrain of northern California and depending were on the I-80 they are, this could end very badly. Instead, she reaches into the back seat to get cranberry-orange bread. As she does this, her bum is in the air and Simon says

“'That is one sweet ass, my friend.' He sighed, leaning his head on it as though it were a pillow.”

Who does that? It's weird and kind of gross. Caroline threats to take away his bread privileges if he doesn't let up. She hands him the loaf and he eats it like Abu from Aladdin. She calls him weird, he points out that she is still interested and gives her a rakish smile.

“My panties actually disintegrated.”

I would argue her use of the word “actually” but I use a similar phrase to describe many swoon worthy people so I will let it slide. And with a Han Solo

“I know”

we get a

They arrive and as they exit the car they talk cocktails. They both thought to make Harvey Wallbangers and jokes are made. Caroline says

“'Please, you would make up a drink and call it Pink Nightie just to have me in your mouth – and don't even try to lie'”

Simon is all

Then everything gets all tense and serious before Simon breaks it and says they should join their friends. They find them with their love interests (and not their partners) on the back porch. Caroline says that making the relationship swap may be easier than she thought but then Simon says

“'You think its gonna be that easy?”

Simon was the one who thought it would be easy in the first place? Did they switch opinions and no one thought to tell the audience? Or was this a continuity issue.

And then the chapter ends with some obvious symbolism about how what they are all looking for is right in front of them.

Grey Chapter 3: Lots of Questions

Last time in Grey...Christian gets a background check on Ana that includes her banking info and social. He also goes to her work where he was trying to be awkward but it came off as super creepy.

Chapter 3: Sunday, May 15, 2011

The chapter opens with Christian running and listening to Moby. Does he work out every chapter? Is the reason he can't commit in a relationship because he is already married to the gym? Either way, he is running and thinking about Ana because his life is consumed by the woman he has known for a week, and Moby's music will not sway his thoughts.

“As my feet pound the walkway, sunshine breaks through the clouds and it gives me hope.”

We get a pagebreak, it is two hours later and we get more of what I think is meant to be “charming” and “awkward” but is really confusing and inconsistent.

“Maybe I should take her for coffee.

Like a date?

Well. No. Not a date. I laugh at the ridiculous thought. Just a chat – an interview of sorts.”

In the last chapter, he was thinking about asking her to dinner, he even used the word “date”, and now it is laughable? Is calling it an interview a means to ret-con why their coffee date from the first book was so sterile? And who is he talking to? Does he have an inner god/dess and subconscious too? He has these conversations with himself sometimes but there is never “the thought came to me” or “I thought to myself.” It always just happens. It's all so strange.

After a pagebreak, it's time for the photo shoot and Christian is about to head to the location.

“My hair is wet from my shower, but I don't give a shit. One glance at the louche fucker in the mirror and I exit to follow Taylor to the elevator.”

For those who don't know, “louche” refers to that charmingly disheveled disreputable look. Think Robert Downey Jr. And while I have no problem with anyone owning their hotness, is it just me or does this sound angry/aggressive? Like “I'm an asshole, but a sexy asshole.”

“Are jeans and chucks her signature look?”

Who thinks like this who does not work in fashion media? In the other books, he was always well turned out and he bought her clothes, but he is down right obsessed with fashion so far. Does he go to NYC fashion week every year?

He says hello to Ana who introduces him to Kate. He thinks about how he has Kate to thank for his meeting Ana.

“That thought makes me feel a little more benevolent toward her.”

They talk and Christian talks like an out of touch vampire. It would be one thing if used the same refined language all the time, but he doesn't. He either talks like an asshole or he talks like an Edwardian ponce.

Jose is introduced and, again, Christian's first thought is

“Shit. Is this the boyfriend?”

Your extensive research that was able to turn up her SSN, did not turn up a boyfriend, so why do you think that every male in her proximity is her partner? I know he was this crazy and possessive in the other books, so I should be happy that this is consistent, but we don't get why he is. We get that he is and that he is damaged, but so far this has done nothing to add to the story that we didn't already know. Isn't that the whole point of this book? To develop Christian's character?

Jose tries to stake a claim because Ana's opinion doesn't matter to either of them.

“Well, game on, kid.”

I jokingly call people of all ages kids, but that is just a joke. This is not a joke and Christian is only like 5 years older than Jose, so what the hell?

“Another young man who appears to be working with Rodriguez switches on the lights, and momentarily I'm blinded.

Hell!”

Seriously, that “Hell!” has no more context. I really think that either EL James forgot that Christian isn't a vampire, or that Christian thinks he is. It would explain a lot.

He notices Ana shrinking away from the action and all he can think about is how this means she

“...a natural submissive.”

While that may be, she still may not (is not) into a D/s relationship. Doesn't mean he will respect her disinterest, but I'm just saying that people can have a type A personality and not want to cane someone. And switches (people comfortable in either dom or sub roles) are a thing too you know.

Christian has a creepy moment when he thinks she is too innocent and pure for him. It is supposed to make him seem like he cares, and make the audience swoon because of it but if he did care and actually thought he was bad for her, he would leave her alone. Just saying.

Instead, he asks her to coffee and she says she has to take everyone home but he gets his driver to take them. Christian, if she wanted to have coffee with you, she would have rescheduled. This is how this works in reality. If I didn't know that she wanted to go with him, I would have thought that she was trying to politely brush him off.

The driver (Taylor) doesn't take them, Ana switches cars with Kate and Christian is happy cause he has a date and it is not as cute as it sounds.

Ana is gone for more than a minute so naturally Christian thinks she is making out with Jose. He also irrationally thinks she is doing this to

“...keep me sweet for the article.”

You mean that article that is already written? That article that you really can't stop from being published at this point? When I'm having panic attacks I'm not very logical, that whole panic business will do that to you, but even I would realize that.

They get in the elevator

“As we travel to the first floor the atmosphere is thick with unfulfilled desire.”

Because Ana is really bland and non-responsive, the “unfulfilled desire” feels very one sided. Even knowing that she is totally jonesing for him, I still can't tell that they have any sexual tension or chemistry.

SIDE NOTE: It's about here that I got tired of Christian's general douchie nature, and took a Tom Hiddleston reading sonnets break. I highly recommend it.

And back to the nonsense...  He is all surprised at how innocent everyone is, and apparently he doesn't hang out with a lot of tea drinkers because he mentions that Ana is the first.

“I have to wait in line while the two matronly women behind the counter exchange inane pleasantries with all their customers.”

Definitely one of those customers. In a weird way, this book has shown me a new side to Christian. The “I would hate it if he were ever in my line” side. And just so you know, being this person, the asshole who doesn't realize that your cashier is only doing what is required of them and is not paid enough to care that you are in a hurry, will get you shit service fast. Why? Because we all know that dicks like this won't tip but will make your day hell for smiling at them.

The older woman behind the counter does in fact smile at him and he thinks.

“It's just a pretty face, sweetheart.”

He sounds like the type of dude/bro who thinks that everyone wants his dick when they are just trying to provide good customer service. Remember a few sentences ago when you said that these ladies smiled at everyone? Now that it is directed at you it's because you're hot? I'm using my question mark key way too much in this let's read already.

He is an even more hurried asshat while the cashier is just doing her job, he then gets the items and leaves. He gets back to Ana's side. They make small talk about then this happens.

“As she tells me she likes her tea weak and black, for a moment I think she's describing what she likes in a man.”

1. What the fuck? Where did that come from? You are talking about her tea, but naturally you assume she segues to men for no reason?
2. Who likes weak anything? Especially, when it comes to partners.
3. And what if she likes her men like she likes her tea, black and hot. What of it? Hairspray taught me well

In-apropos of nothing they are discussing, Christian asks if Jose is Ana's boyfriend.

“She laughs. At me.

At me!”

Dear Duri below, why does he think that everything is personal? This woman is nice to me, she must want my junk. This woman laughed because I unknowingly said something funny, I'm going to be a condescending dick and think she is naive. Cause he does do exactly that. This happens a lot in media where a character is unaware of a third parties interest and is thought to be naive, and that makes me sad. This person is being somewhat insulted because they believe that the third party values them as a friend and is not simply trying to get in their pants.

There is erotic muffin daydreams and erotic muffin eating. None of it is actually erotic. She says she finds him intimidating which should be a big red flag for her yet isn't, at least not in the way that will help. He agrees. They chat and he is all “she is so self contained” but neither of them have enough personality or depth to pull off being mysterious. On a scale from James Bond to Garnet, they are Scoorge McDuck

He purposefully manipulates the conversation by saying shit

“That will goad her into a response.”

Like you do when you are on a date. There is more chatting and then some self-pity because he doesn't even know if Christian is his real name. Correct me if I am wrong gentle reader, but if I recall correctly, he was 3 when his mom died and I think 5 when he was adopted by the Grey's. He would know his name. There is possibly a whole explanation in book two or three about how this would make sense that I possible skipped or fall asleep during. If not, then this makes no sense. I exist near small children and they know their names by 3.

Christian takes her evasive answers as a power play instead of “I don't want to talk to you, so I will give stilted responses.” Again, we know she is into him, but if I only had his POV to go by, then I would think that she is bored and disinterested.

“'I can recollect some quite probing questions.'

Yes. You asked me if I was gay.”

1. I would like to point out that both of these are coming from Christian.
2. I guess asking if someone is gay is a probing question. It was an interview, and had nothing to do with anything else, and went no further, but okay. It was almost as if that one question was designed to cause awkward tension and to ensure no slash fic ever be written about Christian. Honestly, I personally don't think it is that big a deal. Would I ever ask someone if they were gay? No, because it is none of my business and it's not like I ask people if they are bi or pan or demi or ace or straight. If someone wants to tell me that, wonderful, I'm glad that they feel comfortable sharing that with me, but I wouldn't consider that probing because sexual appetite doesn't actually say very much about a person.
3. What would be probing would be asking Christian about his illicit dealings with Sudan and how it feels to be the world's douchiest smuggler.

Christian whines in his head about Ana possibly being a hopeless romantic because her mother is a serial bride. Which he, of course, being an Alpha male has no interest in, yet he wistfully thinks about taking her to Paris and Cabo. It's not inconsistent, it's “character development” because she is “changing him”

She talks about liking Brit lit. He thinks

“That means I'm competing with Darcy, Rochester, and Angel Clare: impossible romantic heroes.”

Darcy? Sure. Rochester? Maybe. Angel Clare? Did he read Tess of the d'Urbervilles? Was Angel an “impossible romantic hero” when he cast Tess aside when she confessed she was raped? Was it when he tried to take on her former friend/coworker as a mistress but decided against it only because Tess loved him more? What about when he abandoned her for Brazil, an absence that Tess felt so deeply that she became the mistress of her rapist to support her family and eventually murdered said rapist? It's like when people try to tell me that Wuthering Heights was a romance story. All I see is bitterness and resentment corrupting affection.

Christian thinks about how he hates women in pants because they are not as easily accessible. Because all women are there for him to potentially fuck? All I can think is she is not wearing them for him so he can fuck off. Her third strike is asking if he has a girlfriend. You see, Christian can ask if every Tom, Dick, and Harry are her boyfriends, but she can't ask if he is seeing anyone. Nope, too probing. Not quite background check probing, but that is only a problem when someone besides Christian does it.

There is the non car crash scene from Twilight. You know, the one where Bella almost gets hit by a van in her school's parking lot. Only in this version, it is a bicyclist. Don't worry, the tension is real. Those guys are crazy.

He talks about her beautiful eyes for the hundredth time as they are pulled close together by her near death experience. It's supposed to be the sexy powerful moment but I'm still thinking about yowamushi pedal so I'm in my happy place.

He tells her he is not the man for her. She thanks him for “saving her” from the cyclist. They part with Ana mad because Christian is being high-handed, and Christian is a sad panda because she is pissed. Oh well, if only it lasted, then maybe people would learn.