Chapter 15: Singles Club

Last time in Wallbanger...lots of weirdly formatted narration, Caroline went on a date with her ex, Simon broke up with another lady friend and he formally asked Caroline to go to Spain with him.

Chapter 15

Again, Clayton has a bunch of unattributed dialogue about food. I guess it was important enough for her to mention what everyone is eating but not important enough to tell us who is eating what.

Caroline and friends are eating breakfast and is pleased to find that her friends didn't mind being yelled at until they had sex with the person Caroline wanted them to have sex with. They exchange gossip and the friends do messy spit takes when she tells them about Spain. She then gives them all the details from chapter 14.

“Text between Simon and Caroline”

It's a flirty exchange involving the word “spiffy” which is a word I occasionally use and now never want to use ever again. Thanks for that.

She talks to her boss about time off for Spain. They chat about Simon with her boss showing a little non-motherly concern.

Caroline notes someone outside Simon's door, when she goes to spy the woman knocks on Caroline's door.

“We appraised each other instantly, in the way that women do.”

I don't really appraise other women, but then I guess I've just never cared enough to. Or maybe it's because I'm not competitive, so the relative hotness of another lady doesn't register outside of “wow, she's pretty.” Either way, I don't much care for the generalization.

It turns out to be a British woman (my guess is Lizzie, the last lady friend we have yet to meet) and there is some hostility as she leaves a package for Simon in Caroline's care. The woman calls Caroline lovely and giggles on her way down the hall. This makes Caroline realize that I was right and it was Lizzie at her door. She asks herself a bunch of unanswerable questions about Simon and ends with an out of place reference to South Park, because cool?

“Text between Simon and Caroline”

Actual food porn flirting. I'm not sure I will be able to look at my blender the same ever again.

Caroline is waiting up for Simon to return from a shoot in LA. She calls him while getting dressed for bed. They chat about Lizzie's visit and Simon says

“'...for the first time in a very long time, I am...well...I am... you see...”

If he says he's pregnant I will lose it.

“'Without...female companionship.'”

I don't know if I'm disappointed or just not surprised. Why not both?

Now that Simon is without companionship, when he knocks on Caroline's door, she invites him in.

“An hour later, we sat together at the kitchen table, a decimated loaf in front of us.”

My mental image of Simon eating the bread is Abu from the beginning of Aladdin loudly smacking his lips together to show that he won't share.

They talk about his break up with the girls. Caroline asking Simon if he wants her real opinion

“'I mean truth truth, back-and-forth truth. No witty comebacks, no snappy banter...'”

Caroline says she is glad that he is single. Simon says he wants to try monogamy.

A serviceable sexy scene in the kitchen ensues and fades to black before we find out how far it goes.

And because we could leave off the chapter on a sweet and steamy note like that we have one more joke for the cheap seats in the back. In the airplane to Spain no less.

“'That kid keeps banging my seat,' he grumbled through clenched teeth.”

I wish I knew more onomatopoeia because that deserves a sitcom sound effect.

Grey Chapter 4: Immortan Christian

Last time in Grey...Christian and Ana had their first non-date in which he was a douche bag customer who thought everything was about his dick.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

“No!”

So you do know the word, you just choose to ignore it.

“My scream bounces off the bedroom walls and wakes me from my nightmare.”

Was it the one where your steak is under seasoned and the waiter is taking to long to replace it? Cause that seems like something you would bitch about.

Nah, he had a PTSD nightmare about his mother. In an attempt to calm himself he thinks about what he needs to get done and he is pissed because he has to play golf.

“I should cancel the golf; the thought of playing and losing darkens my already bleak mood.”

That's right, because he is exactly the kind of person who would throw a bitch fit and not play when he thinks he is going to lose. Nothing petulant about that at all.

He hates on himself for not kissing Ana when she obviously wanted to be.

“If my shrink was back from his vacation in England I could call him. His psychobabble shit would stop me feeling this lousy.”

1. James, that's not how that works. Therapy isn't just a psychologist talking at you and making you feel better.
2. Again, if Christian thinks so lowly of the mental health field then why the hell is he seeing a therapist?

There is a pagebreak and then the chapter resumes with Christian listening to a radio program about the auction of Jane Austen's unfinished manuscript for The Watsons, which is an actual thing that happened by the way. This reminds Christian that Ana likes books and he decided to give her his first edition of Tess of the d'Urbervilles.

“Hardy had a dark, twisted soul.

Like me.”

Thomas Hardy's books were not bleak because he had a dark twisted soul, they were bleak because he was trying to prove a fucking point. Hardy hated the social restrictions that Victorian society placed on people and showcased how those restrictions ruined people's lives. And the fact that he even points out that Tess is not the most romantic of novels fucking blows my mind. Just chapters ago, he was talking about how Angel was an impossible romantic standard, but now he admits that it's BS. Make up your mind.

Anyway... Christian remembers Ana's comment about him being the

“ultimate consumer”

and he thinks

“Yes. I like to posses things...”

Who does this remind me of?

Wait, it will come to me

It's on the tip of my tongue

Nope, can't remember. Oh well.

There is a page break and when the chapter resumes and we find out that Christian is a big fan of reading.

“Fiction was my sanctuary when I was a teenager.”

I'm sure it was, and I'm sure all you read was Nietzsche and Dostoevsky you pretentious prick.

“I nod and head into Grey House, the books tucked under my arm. The young receptionist greets me with a flirtatious wave.

Every day...Like a cheesy tune on repeat.”

Story time! I am female and I work with a lot of guys, like you do, and this has happened more than once. A girl will ask a question or ask for help and is nice and polite and all that good stuff. Then she leaves and the male coworker will inevitably turn to me and say something to the effect of “she was totally into me.” Now, I don't doubt that flirtation is a thing that has happened, but as someone who has seen the situation from all sides and been in the shoes of every person involved, I can pretty safely say “no, she is not into you. She was probably just being nice or friendly.” But, alas, no coworker ever believes me. Just like how I'm sure that Christian wouldn't believe me because everyone wants his dick all the time. There is no such thing as nice, polite, non-heterosexual women when his penis is near. Nope. None at all.

Anyway...

Christian exchanges pleasantries with a security guard which I guess is meant to humanize him, but I have a hard time believing that Christian would even notice someone like a security guard. He tells one secretary that he wants espresso and is glad that another is absent because, you guessed it, she wants him.

Secretary: Would you like milk, sir?

Christian (in his mind): Good girl.

You condescending ponce. Oh, but Hex he meant that in a Domly sort of way. Fuck that noise. This is not play time. This is not sexy times. This is him patronizing a female underling because she said something that pleased him. I don't care that he didn't say it out loud. He wouldn't have thought it about a male employee. It wouldn't have even occurred to him, and the fact that he thinks she should be so proud that she can please him makes me want to choke him.

Anyway...

He asks the guy who did the background check to see when Ana's finals are while he looks for a suitable quote to send with the book. After another pagebreak (she is getting as bad as Alice Clayton at this point) we resume with him talking about his smuggling business. He is pissed because the State Department might prevent him from working with Sudan. Go figure.

“I roll my eyes. Fucking red tape.”

It's not just red tape when there is an embargo in place. Red tape is more like the shit you have to go through to get women's health care in America.

“'If we have to grease some palms – or get Senator Blandino to intervene – let me know.”

Is this some alternate universe were Dean Blandino, the vice president of officiating for the NFL, is a senator for some random state? And if that is the case, is James suggesting that NFL refs can be bought? I don't know if you want to open that can of worms James.

Christian gets pissed because his secretary interrupts his meeting to say that his personal stalker has the info. He finds out that Ana's exams end the next day. We get another pagebreak and Christian gets his lunch.

“Tuna salad. Okay. She hasn't fucked this up for once.”

Just shut up Christian. He is referring the secretary that is always staring at him longingly and I hate to be mean, but if she is constantly fucking up his order than he should just fire her. He doesn't like the way she preforms her job and he doesn't like that she is apparently in love with him. There is no reason for him to keep her employed. Let the woman go.

“I've chosen a quote. A warning.”

The quote he has chosen is one that follows Tess being raped. If this is to be a warning, am I to understand that Christian is saying that he will rape her? Spoiler! He does. No one treats it like it's rape, but that's what it is. Furthermore, if he is so sure that

“I made the correct choice, walking away from her.”

Then why the bloody hell is he sending her a present? You know what would keep the woman away and at a safe distance like you supposedly want? Leaving her alone. Otherwise, all you are saying is "Here, allow me to show you a mixed signal."

Instead, he has secretary number 1 (the one that doesn't love him) mail the books to Ana and asks her to find a replacement set for himself. First editions of course. And that's it for chapter four. Not going to lie, this book gets harder and harder to read. I don't know if I'll ever be able to finish it, but for you gentle reader, I shall try.

Wallbanger Chapter 14: The Return Home

Heads up gentle reader, my keyboard is dying so there may be more typos than usual. I will try to catch them all, but I'm not exactly Ash Ketchum .

Last time in Wallbanger...Caroline and Simon made out in a hot tub. Simon decided to be a decent person and not have sex with the inebriated Caroline and risk their friendship. Caroline was not happy with this, but was happy with the sweater he got her that she can't stop herself from sniffing.

Chapter 14

“Inside a black range rover on the way back to San Francisco...”

I didn't add the ellipses. Why do I have the feeling I'm going to hate where this is going?

“Caroline: Okay, I can do this...”

Oh no.

“Simon: She's smiling at me...I can smile back at her, right?”

So, instead of writing the whole book in third person so we can be privy to everyone's thoughts and feelings, Clayton chose to write this in (mostly) first person with random shifts to other narrative styles when the plot needs it. Is this my punishment for complaining about Boy Window's POV shifts? Is this Rony (the god of Irony) laughing at me? Cause that's what it feels like.

To sum up

Caroline: Stupid Simon rejecting my wet, mostly naked, breasts when he was hard.

Simon: Why must I be so noble? Things aren't working out with my other ladies. Thinking about last night is getting me hard again. I'm a pervert for getting erect at the thought of wet, most naked, breasts.

Caroline: Simon said he doesn't want to have sex with me when I wasted because it could potentially ruin our relationship and yet he is checking out my ass. Mixed signals!

Simon: Caroline is sniffing a lot, I wonder if she has a cold.

Caroline: Let's think about why I pounced Simon? ...or not.

Simon: Caroline smells good. Why do some “girls” smell like flowers or fruit?

Caroline: I will never admit I like Simon even to myself. And I can not comprehend someone not wanting to have sex.

Simon: Caroline is practically perfect in every way and I may or may not want a serious relationship.

Caroline: I can't imagine Simon turning me down out of chivalry even though he said “Obviously I'm attracted to you. How could I not be? You're amazing. But you were drunk, I was drunk, and as great as it would have been it would have – ah, it would have changed things” because that is too simple.

Simon: I like Caroline.

Caroline: I refuse to admit I may like Simon.

Then we get a page break but before I put the picture up I wanted to let you know that I just condensed 6 pages worth of “introspection”. I did cut out Mimi and Ryan's inner monologue, because it wasn't important. And I cut out the six or so times one of the guys says they were hard. You're welcome!

Simon drops off Ryan and Mimi at Mimi's place and heads to his and Caroline's apartment. Caroline thinks some more about her tryst with Simon.

“The thing is, though, I did think his head was in it, at least until he thought about it too much.”

It took you how many pages to figure that out? You sure are a quick one Caroline.

They decide to try and act like nothing happened and go their separate ways.

Fast-forward a week and Caroline is at work. Her boss expresses concern and asks her to lunch.

At lunch, Caroline and Jillian talk about Tahoe and then stop themselves from trying to figure out the complicated workings of Simon because them men folk, amirite?

Caroline reads her fortune cookie

“Be aware of the walls you build and what could be on the other side”

“Confucius, you kill me.”

Some how I doubt that Kongzi wrote or said anything like that.

“Text from James to Caroline”

Yay...my favorite...

James and Caroline make plans for their date. Again we are told Caroline hates pho (which just proves she is evil) and that their professional relationship will end in a week.

Caroline considers talking to Simon but chooses not to because she hears him answering a phone call from one of his lady friends.

There are more page breaks in this chapter than there are jokes in this let's read. I'm both sad and impressed.

Caroline is all dressed up for James. Okay, it's really for herself, and she even admits she is using him. The man in question knocks and she talks about how familiar it all is. Naturally, Simon interrupts.

“He had a fake smile plastered across his face, and his voice was colder than I'd ever heard it before.”

So far, Simon is the only character I don't completely hate, so please let him not take a turn for the douchie. Pretty please.

Her date was fine, but Caroline's heart wasn't in it. When James walks her to her door, she over hears Simon talking to a lady and decides to invite James in. They almost go at it but then James offhandedly

says

“'I'm so glad I needed a decorator.'”

and that does it for Caroline. She could put herself through sex if she wasn't interested, but she would not put up with him demeaning her career. Eh, to each their own I guess.

James leaves loudly, Caroline is mad at herself and throws a shoe. It hits Simon.

“Holding the shoe like some kind of late-night Prince Charming to my slutty O-less Cinderella...”

I just don't get you Caroline, and I don't think I ever will.

Caroline gets even more mad, lashing out at Simon for coming over to check on her when he heard yelling.

“'Why do all men seem to think they need to rescue a woman? Are we not capable of rescuing our damn selves?'”

Where is this coming from? What rescuing? If I heard someone I was close to having a fight I would want to see if they were okay. Simon didn't come in with a weapon ready to fight. He calmly entered her room and asked if she was okay. And why is this the one progressive thing she has said when she claims to be a liberate woman? And why is it at the least appropriate time?

Caroline screeches like a barn owl about the significance of her career and how she will never eat Vietnamese food for someone ever again. Simon makes attempts to agree with her but Caroline will have none of it. She shouts some more about how she doesn't need rescuing before finally calming down and admitting that James is not a bad guy but not the guy for her.

Also, I just want to mention, Caroline says twice in so many pages that

“'I know you think James is some kind of psycho'”

but Simon has never called him that. When they met the first time, Simon just expressed a dislike. The only time the word psycho appears in the text is the two times Caroline uses it in this chapter.

Anyway...

Caroline cries. Simon comforts. Caroline gets catty and asks about Nadia. Simon says they met for drinks to end their relationship.

“Why did Heart have to be so in to this?”

I don't know, ask Ma-Ti.

Simon explains that his non-committal relationships aren't working for him anymore and he asks her to join him in Spain.

“He was going Spain on me?”

I'm trying to imagine what “going Spain” would look like and I've got to say it is slapstick in my head.

Caroline walks Simon to the door. Simon still wants to talk but Caroline wants to sleep. She says she has two things she wants to tell him.

“'First, you hurt my feelings in Tahoe'”

Yeah, how dare he not want to have casual sex with someone he has a close relationship with. He's an asshole for showing restraint and respecting her enough to not take advantage of the situation.

When Simon tries to interrupt she says

“'Shut it, Simon. I don't want a rehash.'”

Which I find funny because half of this chapter and the last was rehash.

Caroline tells Simon to never hurt her feelings again, and the second thing she wanted to tell him was

“'I'm coming with you to Spain.'”

The chapter is over and with that news I am predicting classic rom-com airport chase scene shenanigans. We'll see...

Wallbanger Chapter 13: Cauldron of Chlorinated Chemistry

I know it's been a couple (7) months since I posted here last but life happened and after being gone from this for so long I found that I really missed doing it. I may not be posting as frequently as before, but I am going to try to put stuff out again. So without further ado, let's resume.

Last time in Wallbanger...lots of drinking in hot tubs, signs of opulence, and Caroline yells at everyone like a howler monkey. Also, Simon and Caroline kissed.

Chapter 13

“The sky opened up...”

Because this is a romance novel and floral language is par for the course, I half expected this to be metaphorical. It's not. But Caroline is too busy lusting after Simon to go inside the house.

“'Mmm, Caroline, what are you up to?'”

Simon, she is straddling you in a hot tub, what do you think she is about?

“...his hands strong on my waist as his fingers dug into my skin.”

Ouch, ask if she's into that first, bro.

“I could barely see him through the haze of steam from the hot tub and the lust now brewing in this little cauldron of chlorinated chemistry.”

Atrocious alliteration Batman! That is an unsexy image.

“As I settled on his lap again...”

You never left it. I reread the start of the chapter to this point a few times to make sure I didn't miss anything, and I didn't. She didn't move.

“His grin was hard, and so was he.”

I know what she is trying to say, but does any one else find that oddly phrased? A hard grin is usually an unfeeling, unyielding grin. It's not inviting or friendly, and given that sexy times are about to happen, you would think that Simon's grin would be sexy and inviting. Therefore, I am led to believe that Clayton phrased this this way for the pun. And it's not even a good pun.

They proceed to have make outs. It's described as primal and sensual in a way that reminds me of the time when Buffy and Spike brought down an abandoned building, but less erotic.

“...our tongues and teeth and lips smacking and cracking...”

Ow, that sounds like a little kid smashing two dolls' faces together to simulate kissing.

“...my legs scrambling as I panted like a whore in church.”

Is this a commonly used phrase that I'm too uncool or uncultured to get it?

“The idea that a kiss, just a kiss, had turned me into this giant lusting bag of CarolineNeedThat was undeniable...”

I don't think it has “turned” Caroline into anything. She has always been lusty, all that's changed is now she can exercise that lust.

“'Come into my Tahoe, Simon'”

“'You feel uncommonly good'”

Now she is busting out her high society compliments? As he is mounting her in the hot tub, that is when she decides to dust off the Edwardian praise. Are she going to pause to tell him how she has long thought him the handsomest of men?

Nope, actually, Simon breaks things off saying that he can't. Caroline is...not happy

Simon: No, Caroline, not you. Not like –

Caroline: Well, don't I feel like a fucking idiot?

Caroline tries to laugh it off and walk away while Simon tries to explain. Caroline slips and falls and when Simon tries to help her up she reflects on how unsexy her bikini is. She starts to cry because she thinks he doesn't want her, and this all makes somewhat sense, but at the same time we all know he was trying to be a good person. I'm pretty sure what he was trying to explain is that he doesn't want to bone her while she is drunk.

So drunk in fact that she has a conversation with her reflection about how Simon will fuck anyone but her. In any other book, I would assume that this is supposed to be a sign that the narrator is unreliable, but some how I don't think that's the case. Caroline collapses on her bed and the phone rings.

The BFF's are appropriately coupled and Caroline is hating their overt happiness. We find out that she talked to James before she fell asleep. He made her laugh and asked her out and Caroline was desperate enough for the attention that she agreed.

Caroline gets pissy when Mimi asks about her night and storms off. The girls go to talk to her about it and Caroline gets all defensive asking what did they think would happen

“This isn't some romance novel.”

If only this were a romance novel, then maybe I would like it more.

Caroline yells at her friends for thinking that she and Simon would get together then Simon comes in to talk to her about the night before. They leave the house to talk and when Caroline keeps interrupting Simon's explanations he says

“'You have to shut up, okay? You keep interrupting me, and watch how fast you get tossed in that very lake'”

Nothing like violence to get you swooning.

Simon explains that he likes their friendship and wouldn't want to see it ruined by his amazing dick. He admits that he is completely attracted to her but he couldn't allow himself to bone her. Things seem to normalize and Simon says the ominous line

“'Always good when what you need and what you want are the same things'”

They are all packing up their cars to leave Tahoe and Caroline get Mimi to ride with her and Simon so she doesn't have to go alone. Simon gives her a sweater he got her from Ireland and the chapter ends with her sniffing it.

It's good to be back.

Wallbanger Chapter 12: Hot Tub Time

Miss me? Sorry for the absence gentle reader, but a few very “important” things happened last week. First, there was comic con, and while I intended to work on my let's reads during panel lines, it was a bit too cumbersome to do so. Second, Go Set A Watchman by Harper Lee came out and for those interested in my feelings on that, a review will be posted to agonybooth.com within the next few days. Third, Armada by Ernest Cline came out (I should be getting a review of that out as well). Fourth, The School for Good and Evil 3 comes out tomorrow so I had to finish book 2 before Armada and Watchman came out (no review for that one unless asked). So yeah, I “had” to get through those three books and two others within the last ten days which set me back on my let's read. I know you need my snarky commentary in your life, so without further ado, to the let's read!

Last time in Wallbanger...Caroline and Simon went on a road trip together to meet their friends in Tahoe and they were cute when they were just being buds.

Chapter 12

Neil and Ryan are having a hot tub no-homo moment while Simon and Caroline are mouthing words at each other, and I'm amazed at the accuracy of their lip reading. Caroline narrates how Simon is the super sexiest man ever.

“Brain was getting a bit fuzzy. Heart was beginning to sing Etta James songs.”

I know she probably means “At Last” but I'm thinking “I'd Rather Go Blind” which always makes me want to cry in a beer.

They banter a bit and Caroline mentally recaps what happened between chapters. Nothing too interesting, just a lot of long stares, but the phrase

“...we were smack dab in the middle of a sexual soup...”

is delightfully grotesque. Who would think of something like that? It's so disturbing there is nothing I can do but laugh.

Caroline observes the BFF's interaction and how casual it is.

“...[Sophia] and Neil talked back and forth about the 49ers' starting lineup or defensive line or something football-ish and, frankly, boring.”

Yeah, football is boring, but listening to you make sex jokes a pubescent teen would enjoy is the height of entertainment. No, wait the real fun is listening to Caroline talk about Simon's piercing gaze across the hot tub.

They try to figure out what they are doing the next day. Ryan suggests hiking, but Sophia declines because she may hurt her hands and she needs them to play cello.

“Once she dodged hand jobs all winter. Investment banker Bob was not a happy camper.”

I don't think I have ever heard or seen someone pissed because their partner wouldn't given them a hand job. But I guess different strokes for different folks.

Mimi also backs out of hiking but Caroline is game. Caroline gets Ryan and Mimi talking, and Simon gets Sophia and Neil talking. Simon is apparently super flexible because he lifts his foot above the water to give Caroline a foot high five. Maybe he was leaning back and floating a little but with 5 other people in the water with him, I find that hard to believe.

“...a fireplace with a hearth almost ten feet wide...”

To give you an idea of how big ten feet is, that is about two feet taller than the standard height for a room. Therefore, I am must ask WHAT THE FUCK!? Who needs a fireplace with a hearth ten feet wide? I get it, all the characters in this are made of money and white privilege (even though Mimi is described as Filipino), but this is ridiculous. Why so opulent Sophia's grandparents? Are you trying to compensate for something?

Mimi gets Caroline and Simon talking about windsurfing. Caroline wants to learn and Simon is willing to teach. They then talk about sleeping arrangements.

Simon: Well, how many rooms we talking about?

Sophia: There are four bedrooms, so take your pick.

Only four? I'm sure that the house with a ten foot fireplace would have a dozen rooms each with its own maid. But that wouldn't allow for wacky shenanigans now would it?

Caroline and Simon suggest that couples pair off and they will take the remaining rooms, then they leave before anyone can hurt them for the suggestion. Caroline hopes that it works out because she is fairly certain that her BFF's are plotting to murder her if it doesn't.

Caroline and Simon banter about hiking and their rooms sharing a wall.

The guys + Caroline are hiking and Caroline is thinking about how her friends will react when they realize they want to sleep with the other beau. Caroline and Simon are the first to reach the top of the hill and they say how everything is beautiful before Simon steps close to Caroline and tension builds. Personally, I'm waiting for a convenient interruption.

“Simon leaned toward me, just barely, but almost as if he were going to...

'Parker!' thundered from below, and we both sprang back.”

“Now that the voodoo wasn't so concentrated, I could see things clearly again, and I repeated the word harem over and over again in my head.”

Why does she keep using Simon's lady friends as an excuse to not bone him? Did she ask all of her previous one-night stands if they were currently boning anyone else?

Ryan is there to tell them that Neil is calling it quits. Simon is bummed because he almost got make-outs.

“'Besides, if we don't hurry, we can't tease Neil about getting beat up the mountain by a girl,' I grinned, and he laughed loudly.”

Must. Resist. Feminist. Rant. Must. Not. Give. In. To. My. Hate.

How can this book try to be so progressive and yet still enforce casual misogyny? Simon has atypical relationships with woman who are only seen as trampy by Caroline, but otherwise treated with respect. Caroline is fairly sexually liberated and claims that not all women want the same things. Caroline is also shown complimenting herself in a way that is not framed as conceited or egotistical. Yet, we get shit like this where characters are completely comfortable mocking a man because a woman was a better athlete. Neil is less of a man because a “girl” was able to best him, because if he was more of a man, he would naturally be better than the grown woman who regularly exercises and performs outdoor sports (note the sarcasm). Okay, I'm done with my rant.

The chapter resumes with Caroline et al returning to the house from the hike.

“'So how was your gangbang, Caroline?' Sophia sang sweetly...”

Just so no one thinks I'm over-reacting, the dictionary definition of “gangbang” is several people raping one person successively. This is not funny. Rape is not funny. The only rape joke that I have ever found in any way amusing was Amy Schumer's Friday Night Lights Parody Sorry, Clayton I can't laugh at this.

The guys do spit takes, but Caroline calmly replies that she was such an excellent sex object that Neil had to give up early.

Caroline thinks about giving Sophia an easy out and just asking her about her feelings about Neil but then Sophia (still angry at Caroline for putting her in multiple awkward situations with Neil) makes a comment about how unflattering Caroline's shorts are.

“Nope. Not going to happen. No easy out.”

Why is Caroline evil? Instead of understanding the difficult situation her long time friend is in and how that may cause her to say and do things against her better judgment, Caroline jumps straight to hostility. How does she have any friends at all?

Sophia asks who is watching Clive. Caroline explains that Sandford and Anthony from earlier are watching Clive and makes a few gay stereotype comments, but are we really surprised? Then some more gay jokes when Mimi comes in.

“'Is this a private session, or can a non-lesbian get into this bed?'”

In another world, Sophia is bisexual, pansexual, or gay, and all these little comments about her being closeted tear her up inside.

Things take a turn for the exploitative when the guys walk by the open door with the ladies all on one bed. Not much happens until Ryan winks at Mimi and Sophia gets uncomfortable because then Caroline says

“I was really going to have fun with these two tonight.”

and then of course we get a

They are drinking and eating and everyone is flirting with the person they like. Simon asks

“'How long before they kiss?'”

My bet is within the next two chapters. Caroline says she doesn't know but she hopes soon. This is, of course, a subtle hint that Caroline is hoping she and Simon will kiss soon but all the subtly is taken out when Caroline narrates

“...I was no longer talking about our friends. And knowing full well he knew full well I was no longer talking about our friends.”

Because I wasn't sure I got it, thanks.

Caroline chants harem in her head, and The BFF's declare it's hot tub time. Caroline is decidedly drunk-idy-drunk-drunk. Simon tries to be responsible, but backs off when he is more or less called a buzzkill.

It's hot tub time and they are playing truth or dare because we haven't had an attack of plot convenience in a while. Caroline chooses truth, Mimi asks where she wants to go that she hasn't. Simon says that is a lame truth, but they go with it anyway. Caroline says Spain and everyone is all surprised even though she said she wanted to go there in the chapter with the non-date. As it turns out Simon is going to Spain and everyone pressures Caroline into going with Simon, but she gets snappy and every let's it drop. It's one of the few times I am okay with bitchy Caroline.

But bitchy Caroline wouldn't be bitchy Caroline if she didn't dare Mimi to kiss Neil knowing that no one will enjoy this. They do and Caroline is actually pissed because they kiss without incident. Again, she is evil. But we haven't hammered that idea home until Caroline loses her shit and starts yelling at Neil for kissing Mimi and airing everyone's dirty laundry and sex life. Simon has to forcibly restrain Caroline from screaming like a crazy woman, and everyone carries on.

And you know what? It fucking works. Everyone pairs off with the person they want and Caroline gets away with throwing verbal shit at everyone. Consequences? What consequences? They only consequence she sees is making out with Simon. They both ask

“'Why did you kiss me?'”

referring to the party that changed everything. And they both reply.

“'Because I had to'”

And then make outs happen, but more importantly, the chapter is over. Thank you blessed Minerva.

Wallbanger Chapter 11: Road Trip

Last time in Wallbanger...some non-dates, bad baking form, and a scary movie. They also fell asleep cuddling because scary movies are scary.

Chapter 11

Caroline wakes up and is having a discussion with herself over cuddling with Simon.

“But I shouldn't be nooking with Simon. Brain knew better. Nerves were in agreement.”

Eyes were getting tired of Caroline's excessive compartmentalization but Brain knew better.

Caroline thinks about how Simon's parents are dead.

“I was close with my parents. They still lived in the same house where I'd grown up, in a small town in southern California.”

So close that this is the first time they were mentioned. She says she likes her independence and that's why we haven't heard anything about them until now, but it feels like an excuse. She pities Simon but is impressed by his ability to not let their deaths rule his life, which I have to admit makes me happy. I'm tired of Bruce Wayne style love interests.

Caroline snuggles some more and feels the warning bells of love, another thing for the bingo card. Caroline rationalizes why they can't be together and falls asleep to Simon whispering her name.

Caroline wakes up and she is a kitty in bed. As in, she takes up all the space

“My toes and Lower Caroline curled.”

Ew. No, that doesn't work like that. If any part of your genitalia curls, please consult a medical professional. Immediately.

Simon says they need to make ground rules for next time, Caroline says there won't be a next time.

“He smiled that smile, and I sighed.”

That sigh?

Caroline briefly fantasizes about sex with Simon

“...but I wisely got control of my inner whore.”

I will admit that I hated the “inner goddess” aspect of Ana's personality in 50 Shades, but this isn't any better. Caroline is wildly inconsistent when it comes to sex positivity. She is fine if she has a series one night stands but is disgusted by Simon's casual relationships. She says she isn't looking for love, only a good orgasm, but says she needs to control her “inner whore.” So which is it Caroline? Can women enjoy sex without being whores or not?

They make breakfast in a choreographed silence that is sweet but confuses me. What if Simon doesn't like granola with milk? What if Caroline didn't want banana? Too bad, they put it all together and chatted about work. Simon tells Caroline he is doing a local vacation piece and then meeting everyone in Tahoe and they agree to drive together.

“Text between Mimi and Sophia”

They get mad because Caroline is working with her ex and talk about singalongs.

“Text between Neil and Mimi”

Neil is surprised that Sophia knows how to bowl.

“Text between Neil and Simon”

Simon tells Neil that he is driving Caroline and asks about Sophia.

“Text between Mimi and Caroline”

I guess if nothing else this is efficient if a little boring.

Mimi scolds Caroline for not telling her about James.

“Text between Caroline and Simon”

Innuendo and ocean cliffs.

“Text between Caroline and Sophia”

Sophia scolds Caroline because she is working with James.

“Text between Simon and Caroline”

Baking innuendo and bad driving.

“'I'm not listening to this.'”

I will listen to whatever you have to play or say just don't go back to texting.

Caroline says how Simon is quickly becoming one of her favorite people and I would like this a lot more if I didn't know that they will get together. It would be nice to think that they could just be friends because some of their best scenes together are when they are just being playful and friendly.

Caroline objectifies him pretty intensely. It's forgettable, just know he is swoon worthy.

Caroline considers how feasible it would be to have sexy times while Simon drove, considering the terrain of northern California and depending were on the I-80 they are, this could end very badly. Instead, she reaches into the back seat to get cranberry-orange bread. As she does this, her bum is in the air and Simon says

“'That is one sweet ass, my friend.' He sighed, leaning his head on it as though it were a pillow.”

Who does that? It's weird and kind of gross. Caroline threats to take away his bread privileges if he doesn't let up. She hands him the loaf and he eats it like Abu from Aladdin. She calls him weird, he points out that she is still interested and gives her a rakish smile.

“My panties actually disintegrated.”

I would argue her use of the word “actually” but I use a similar phrase to describe many swoon worthy people so I will let it slide. And with a Han Solo

“I know”

we get a

They arrive and as they exit the car they talk cocktails. They both thought to make Harvey Wallbangers and jokes are made. Caroline says

“'Please, you would make up a drink and call it Pink Nightie just to have me in your mouth – and don't even try to lie'”

Simon is all

Then everything gets all tense and serious before Simon breaks it and says they should join their friends. They find them with their love interests (and not their partners) on the back porch. Caroline says that making the relationship swap may be easier than she thought but then Simon says

“'You think its gonna be that easy?”

Simon was the one who thought it would be easy in the first place? Did they switch opinions and no one thought to tell the audience? Or was this a continuity issue.

And then the chapter ends with some obvious symbolism about how what they are all looking for is right in front of them.